Jill: Okay, we got the graham crackers for the window shutters, and the licorice for the gutters. I just need those Red Hots for the doorknobs. Where are they? They used to be right here.
Brad: [to Mark] Here. Hide the box.
Jill: What are you doing?
Brad: Taking candy from his younger cousins. He should be ashamed of himself.
Jill: Nice try, Cinnamon Breath. You should be ashamed of yourself for selling out your brother.
Brad: And yet, oddly, I feel great.

Gracie: Aunt Jill, what do you like most about Christmas?
Jill: Well, I like the whole spirit of the holiday. Peace on Earth, goodwill towards men.
Tim: Borland's Santa's toast.
Jill: What is that?
Tim: What does it look like? It's a wise man with a harpoon gun.
Jill: 'Tis the season to be packing.

Jill: Where have you guys been?
Mark: Dad sent us over to Al's to check out his roof decorations.
Brad: See, I am so proud to spy for you for Christmas, the holiest holiday of the year.
Tim: Cut the crap. What did it look like?
Mark: It's awesome.
Brad: His nativity scene's more convincing than the original.
Tim: All right, here's the plan. Take Bobby Ram Dass, put him on the roof and sight him in. All right? I'm gonna get some high-powered binoculars and meet you out there.

Lucille: Oh, that was a wonderful service. What did everybody think about the sermon?
Jeff: I thought it was too short. [yawns] I could have used another half hour.
Jill: You were gone during the sermon. Where were you?
Tim: Um... I was in the sacristy, having a moment of private prayer.
Jill: Oh. [holds Tim's tie] Did you pray for a chili cheese dog?
Tim: My prayers were answered.

Lucille: It's a pity those poor girls can't have their whole family together.
Marty: Oh, Ma, please. Don't start.
Jeff: Don't use that tone with Mother.
Marty: There was no tone.
Jeff: Tone.
Marty: There was no tone! Tim, what do you think?
Tim: I think all these wrenches are metric.
Lucille: All I'm saying, Marty, is that it's a shame that you couldn't have worked something out, at least for the holidays. Right, Tim?
Tim: I wonder how big my head is in metric?
Marty: Look, Nancy's the one who's being impossible. And there's nothing I can do about that.
Jeff: And so, to compensate for your inadequacy, you lash out at the woman who gave you life. You should be ashamed. Shouldn't he, Tim?
Tim: Huh? Now, that's one sizable melon. Look at that baby, huh?

Al: If I'm gentle with this harpoon, I think I can save the buttocks.
Trudy: What kind of sick individual would do this to Santa's little helper?
[meanwhile, on Tim's roof:]
Tim: Just a scosh to the right, Balthazar.

Marty: Hey, the girls want to open presents.
Lucille: Oh, those blue packages are from me.
Jeff: Yeah. And me.
Jill: What'd you get them?
Jeff: I'll let you know in a minute.
Jill: I hope you didn't let your mom buy Carrie's present.
Jeff: No. I buy the presents for my girlfriend. Besides, I wouldn't want Mom walking into that kind of store.

Tim: You'd think a Santa that big would be easier to hit.
Marty: Al's gonna blow you out of this competition, isn't he?
Tim: Perhaps, if he wants to get all competitive about it. But for me, Christmas is more of a religious holiday, Marty.

Wilson: Noel not going so well?
Randy: No. I had this great picture of what it would be like coming home for Christmas, so far it hasn't been like that at all.
Wilson: Well, things are bound to be different with Marty and the twins living in the house.
Randy: It's not that. It's just ever since I got home, I just feel like I don't fit anymore.
Wilson: In what way?
Randy: You know, everyone's so busy doing their own thing. I mean, no one cares about what's going on with me. Every time I say something, they look at me like I'm from Mars.
Wilson: Ah, been there.
Randy: I guess it's like Thomas Wolfe wrote, You Can't Go Home Again.
Wilson: Well, that's very good, Randy, but Frank Baum wrote, "There's no place like home."
Randy: What do you think?
Wilson: Well, I think you can go home again as long as you realize you may not be coming home to the same home.

Tim: So tell me a little bit about Costa Rica.
Randy: Well, it's cool.
Tim: Come on, "It's cool." Give me more information than that. Do you still like living with that family?
Randy: Yeah. You know, it's a little weird living with a strange family, but, you know, it helps that I come from a strange family.