Jill: Remember I told you about that big meeting I had with my boss today? You know, I was expecting a raise and a promotion? She laid me off!
Tim: What?
Jill: Yeah. I got two weeks' severance pay and a farewell cake. Like a cake is gonna make me feel better.
Brad: Well, did you bring the cake home?
Tim: Did it have nuts on it?
Jill: For your information, it was a triple chocolate fudge. And I was so depressed that I polished the rest of it off in the car on the way home. Now, I need a little sensitivity and a... ThighMaster.

Tim: Well, you came to the house of sensitivity. Right, guys?
Brad: Is this gonna affect my allowance?
Jill: It will now.

Jill: I stayed up half the night trying to figure out what I should do now, what I should do, what I should do. You know, the magazine business here is so tough and I just don't know if I really want to do that anymore, so you know what I've been thinking? It's really a stupid idea. Well, it may not be that stupid. I mean, people my age have done it, not that much, but it's not that it's impossible. I mean, there's a lot to be said for it and a lot to be said against it. What do you think?
Marie: Well, I'm 50-50 on it myself. What are you talking about?
Jill: Oh... When I was in school, I really liked psychology. I thought that I might make a good therapist.
Marie: Hm. As someone who's been in therapy forever, I think you'd be great. And I blame my mother.
Jill: I'm thinking about getting my master's, then I could be a family counselor.
Marie: You would be a natural working with families.
Jill: Well, after surviving this one, I should get a Purple Heart.

Tim: You sound like you're in a better mood.
Jill: Oh, yeah, I had a great day.
Tim: What'd you do? Sit in bed all day, stuff your face, talk to your girlfriends on the phone?
Jill: Is that what you think my idea of a great day is?
Tim: Sorry. That's my idea of a great day.

Jill: Wait till you hear what I'm thinking about doing. I want to go back to college.
Tim: Are you gonna stay here or at the dorm?
Jill: I'm thinking about getting my master's in psychology. I'd have to take some undergrad courses, but what do you think?
Tim: Are you serious?
Jill: Yeah, I'm serious.
Tim: Jill, a master's degree will take forever.
Jill: It's OK. I like school.
Tim: Do you remember school? Homework, detention, being suspended, sitting in the corner.
Jill: Tim, they don't do that in college.
Tim: Oh, yeah?

Tim: How's Mom?
Randy: Well, not too bad. She finally stopped saying, "Boys, whatever you do, don't turn out to be like your father."
Tim: OK. Well, this'll put her right over the top.
Randy: Do flowers always work?
Tim: Yep. Every time I get in trouble, I just call Lou the florist.
Randy: Well, she gets mad at you so often, you must be on some kind of "frequent flower" program.
Tim: I'm not only a member, I'm the club president.

Tim: Bet you can't guess what I've got.
Jill: Seven roses, sixteen daisies, two tulips and a couple of sprigs of baby's-breath.
Tim: Right on the money.
Marie: That's amazing!
Jill: No, it's not that unusual. This is the 29th time I've gotten that exact same bouquet of flowers. Lou the florist calls it his "Tim Taylor Foot-in-the-Mouth" special.
Tim: Don't knock it. Because of this bouquet, Lou has been able to send his son to a fabulous trade school. He's a turret lathe operator now.
Marie: Well, at least you get flowers. Joe gives me a string of sausage and a side of bacon.
Tim: See how lucky you are? Joe screws up, a pig dies.

Tim: Hey, Wilson. Want some flowers?
Wilson: Why, Tim, what a neighborly gesture.
Tim: It'll cost you 35 bucks.
Wilson: Well, you know, if I'm not mistaken, Tim, that looks like the $27.95 "Tim Taylor Foot-in-Your-Mouth" special.
Tim: Yeah. I tried to use them to say I'm sorry to Jill. She didn't want them. She wants to go back to school and was mad 'cause she doesn't think I'm being very supportive.
Wilson: Well, do you feel that you are?
Tim: I guess that depends on your definition of "supportive." I told her it was a stupid idea and she probably couldn't even get into clown college.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I don't think that's anyone's definition of supportive.

Tim: Going back to school, it's really a big deal to her. I couldn't wait to get out of college. And to be honest, the college couldn't wait to get me out of there.
Wilson: Wasn't it college where you met Jill?
Tim: Yeah. It wasn't easy. I was kind of a motorhead and she hung out with all the intellectuals. You know the type. Spend their days thinking about the meaning of life when they could be figuring out how to drink a keg of beer without using their hands. I'm not looking forward to her getting back in a group of eggheads again. People who are always trying to prove how smart they are by talking over your head.
Wilson: So, Tim, you're worried about Jill returning to the world of academia.
Tim: It was a lot of work to get her interested in me in the first place in college, you know. Maybe she goes back and hangs out with all those intellectual types, maybe she- maybe she won't find me that interesting again.
Wilson: Tim, just because Jill grows doesn't mean that she'll grow apart from you.
Tim: No, no, no. Heck. What am I talking about? Why would she trade me in for a new model when she got a V8 like me sitting in the garage at home?
Wilson: You are a classic.

Tim: I never told you this, but when we were at school, I always thought you were out of my league.
Jill: I was.
Tim: And I guess I was worried that you'd find a new group of... brainiacs to hang out with. Well, maybe you'll come home to me, I'll be kinda boring.
Jill: [laughs] One thing about coming home to you, Tim, it's never boring.