Tim: Well, let me ask you a question. Have you ever wished that you'd married somebody as smart as you?
Jill: You think I'm smarter than you?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Well, that just shows how smart you are.
Tim: You didn't answer the question.
Jill: Do I ever wish that I married somebody else? Why would I wanna marry anybody else? You're funny, you're sexy, creative, you take chances, and you're definitely not afraid to be wrong. I'm perfectly happy being married to a man who thinks that PBS is something that women get once a month.
Tim: What I said was, "Once a month is enough for PBS." And way too much for the other thing.

Tim: Why don't you go to a trade school?
Jill: Trade school?
Tim: Six months, you can be a turret lathe operator.
Jill: I don't want to be a turret lathe operator. I don't even know what that is.
Tim: That's why you go to the school. How about a certified arc welder?
Jill: Are you insane?
Tim: Diesel bus repair.
Jill: Tim, I was really excited about this idea. I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you about it, and all you can do is throw out idiotic suggestions. Why don't you just tell me to go to clown college?
Tim: They'd never take you. You're not funny enough and your feet are too small.

Jill: Tim, I was talking to you.
Tim: Hold on a second. Maybe one of the kids got in an accident.
Jill: I thought that they were all home.
Tim: Hold on a minute. Well, most of the accidents take place in the home. [on the phone] Hey. Hey, Deke? What are you doing? Ah. Hold on a second. [to Jill] Thank God the kids are OK.

Brad: What's this?
Jill: Oh. That's a college catalogue with watermelon seeds all over it. I'm checking out colleges.
Brad: Well, aren't I a little young?
Jill: It's for me.
Brad: Well, then, aren't you way old? [off Jill's look] I'm never gonna get my allowance back, am l?
Jill: It's not looking good.

Al: The advantage to using stilts when drywalling is they do give you height, plus mobility.
Tim: Now, rememebr, each of these panels weighs 60lbs, so it's always a good idea to have a good helper.
Al: Or, if you're in a bind... Tim. [snorts]
Al: Now, if you don't happen to have a drywall lift, like this here, you can hold up your panels with T-braces, called "deadmen." Tim, show them what a dead man looks like. [Tim points to Al]
Tim: Well, this is all well and good if you have a traditional ten-foot ceiling, but let's say I want to do a remodel on the Sistine Chapel.
Al: Well, I don't think you'd be their first choice as contractor.

Tim: Hey, folks. Don't you weep, don't you bawl. Today we're working drywall. Right, all?
Al: You have to forgive Tim. His sense of humor's a little off the drywall.
Tim: We're gonna show you how to tape your joints to your wallboards.
Al: That's right. Taping technique is critical. An inferior job can result in unsightly lumps and bulges.
Tim: Kind of makes you wonder who taped up Al.

Tim: Stick with me here, OK? Guys, raise this up to the Sistine Chapel level. Now, let's say you want to smooth out those chubby cherubs with some wallboard but the stilts only go up to 48 inches. That's why I use these. Heidi? My pneumatic drywall stilts.
Al: Pneumatic drywall stilts?
Tim: Is there an echo in the building?
Al: Well, just how high can they go?
Tim: The sky's the limit. Want to go up, press this lever up. Third floor, lingerie. Ding ding ding.
Al: Why, I'm very impressed, Tim.
Tim: Watch this. I want to reverse the process, and go down to the bargain basement where you picked up that shirt, press here.
[Tim is raised up, send his head crashing through the panel]

Tim: Jill. Don't expect me to help you with your homework.
Jill: What?
Tim: When you go back to study psychology.
Jill: Wait. You're OK with that?
Tim: If your dream is to work with nuts, you should go back to the world of macadamia.

Al: Well, there are many mechanical tools used in drywalling. I like to use the Binford 6100 wet-tape banjo.
Tim: With the wet-tape banjo, you can apply your tape and mixture in one swipe, and do a rendition of "Oh, Susanna." [sings] Oh, Susanna, oh, don't you cry for me
Al: As you can see...
Tim: For I came from Alabama with a banjo on my knee
Al: I've loaded my banjo with quality premix compound, available at any hardware store. [Tim continues "playing" his banjo]
Tim: You don't have to buy it premixed. You can mix it yourself if you want. It's three parts calcium carbonate, two parts mica, a little Galliano, a little vodka, you got a Harvey Dry Wallbanger.
Al: Well, as I'm sure Tim realizes, if you are going to mix your own compound, you have to be exactly sure of its consistency.
Tim: I'll put my banjo up against anybody's.
Al: Would that be a challenge, Tim?
Tim: [slaps Al with a glove] Get ready to duel, fool.

Tim: [answers the phone] Deke! Oh, hi, Ashley. No. Brad's not here. He's out buying you a big gift. [hangs up]
Brad: Dad, why'd you tell her that?
Tim: Because I'm waiting for an emergency call for a hood ornament. I want to keep the lines clear.
Brad: Oh, so now I have to buy Ashley a present.
Tim: No. Now you have to buy Ashley a big present.