Jill: Delores, we're really gonna miss you.
Al: Yes, we are.
Delores: I've ignored my asthma for years. It just keeps getting worse and worse.
[When she sees Harry smoking a cigar, Delores grabs it and puts it out in a beer bottle]
Harry: Oh, I forgot. Cigar smoke bothers you. [pulls out another cigar]
Delores: You light that, Harry, you're sleeping alone tonight. [Harry lights the cigar]

Jill: We have talked about this already. There's no way that you can buy a business.
Tim: We don't know that. I don't even know what I paid for the place. Harry, what did I pay for the place?
Harry: Eighty thousand dollars.
Jill: Eighty thousand dollars?
Delores: The nail salon talked you down to 70.
Harry: Oh, yeah.

Delores: Look, why don't you guys talk it over while I feed Harry something fatty and salty?

Marty: I don't know how Harry does it. I mean, it's impossible to move merchandise at these prices.
Benny: I have a theory.
Marty: Let me guess. Harry had a better selection of donuts.
Benny: Yes. But that's not my point.
Tim: What is your point, Benny?
Benny: Well, people had a long-standing relationship with Harry, so they were willing to pay more. Once Harry left, people didn't have to feel guilty about switching to Tool Mart.
Tim: I never thought I'd say this. Benny's right.
Benny: I know I'm right. I bought a faucet at Tool Mart this morning. Saved myself a bundle.

Tim: We did that to prove a point.
Al: That in the wrong hands, even water is flammable.
Heidi: That's right. And we'll be right back after these important commercial messages. [theme music plays]
Tim: Hi, I'm Tim Taylor. You probably know me from Tool Time. What you probably don't know is I'm now the proud new owner of Harry's Hardware.
Al: [clears throat] Tim, aren't you forgetting something?
Tim: Yes. And Al is my silent partner. Show them how that works.

Al: Well, in the past, Harry's Hardware has been known for its personal service.
Heidi: That's true. Every time I shop there, people drop whatever they're doing to help me. Even the ones that don't work there.

Al: Now that service is going to get even better.
Tim: That's right. We're proud to introduce Harry's new Video Tool Library. So, come on down to the store and borrow a video for any project you might be working on, absolutely free!
Tim: Did you say free?
Al: I said free!
Tim: And that's not all. If you have any questions about any one of the videos, you can call us at our 24-hour tool line.
Al: That's right. Tim and I bought these cell phones for the express purpose of being there for you!
Tim: Al and I are standing by 24 hours a day to attend to all the questions of our hardware store customers. Call us anytime, 24 hours a day, night or day, day or night! [phone rings]
Al: [answers phone] Harry's on call! No problem too small! No, Mother. This won't conflict with square-dancing night.
Tim: Harry's Hardware!

Tim: [answers phone] Okay, Harry's hot line. No problem too small. Oh, a blocked toilet. Yeah, yeah, that's very, very hard. Don't put drain cleaner in there. No! That's not a good idea. Ew. Well, you're gonna need a snake or a crowbar to bust that sucker up. [Jill sighs and rolls over] Huh? Yeah. What the heck you been eating, sir? Yeah. [hangs up] Okay, where were we?
Jill: Nowhere.
Tim: What do you mean "nowhere"?
Jill: Well, first of all, that phone call was really disgusting.
Tim: Worse for him.

Jill: Well, the business is just ruining your whole life. You haven't slept in weeks.
Tim: Well, it's working though. I've been getting a lot of new customers in the store.
Jill: Yeah. But, honey, at what cost? The more customers you get, the harder you have to work. It's affecting your whole life, you know? Your family, your work, your health, my sex life.
Tim: You're not thinking of calling Eddie, are you?
Jill: No. It's his turn to call me.

Marty: Hey, Tim. Business was great today.
Tim: That's good. Pack your things up. I'm gonna sell to the nail salon.
Marty: What are you talking about? You mean I don't have a job anymore?
Tim: Depends how good you are with an emery board.