Lorelai: Okay, and I love your food, you know that. But I have to tell you that that bite I just had over there is one of the worst things I've ever tasted, and I've tasted some very bad things.
Sookie: What?
Lorelai: Are you sure you didn't just accidentally drop something in the food tonight, like, I don't know, strychnine or manure?
Sookie: No, I tested each dish every step of the way. I mean, the base, the stock, the sauce, the seasonings.
Lorelai: Are you sick? 'Cause sometimes the flu or a cold or even allergies can throw your tastebuds off.
Sookie: No, I'm not sick. I mean, I had a little bug last week, but nothing today.
Lorelai: Well, I think you should think about getting a checkup. Maybe it was more than a little bug.
Sookie: The food was really bad?
Lorelai: Oh, honey, it was just... well, yeah, it was really that bad.

Lorelai: So, tell me, what did Paris do now?
Rory: It's nothing, it's just Paris. There's this speech contest for the bicentennial, and I wasn't even going to enter it, but I don't know – with the whole "It's my last chance to crush you before graduation" comment, I want to enter, I want to win, and I wanna dance around her saying "I win, I win, I win!"
Lorelai: Wow, you're getting more and more like me everyday.
Rory: But I know, it was petty and stupid and I should probably just ignore her.
Lorelai: Yes, that is what you should do.
Rory: Okay, that is what I will do.

Paris: Huh. That just looks like more than four thousand words, but I'm sure you counted them.
Girl: I did.
Paris: Good. Hey Shelly, good luck. Although I'm sure you're going to be great. After all, there's hardly anything on stage for you to trip over this time, right? [sings] I've got my beans at Grandma's house, my magic beans at Grandma's house.
Brad: Stop it.
Paris: I'll take my beans, my magic beans, who's got the beans, we need some beans, I love the beans.
Brad: You can't rattle me.
Paris: Into the woods at Grandma's house.
Brad: Look, I'm proud of my part, okay? The New York Times called me winningly naïve.
Paris: Into the woods, into the woods, into the woods.

Rory: Leave Brad alone, and stop terrorizing everyone in this hallway.
Paris: Terrorizing? What are you talking about, terrorizing? I'm simply talking to my fellow classmates.
Rory: You're trying to scare them into doing badly so you'll win easier.
Paris: I am not.
Rory: Oh, really? And that magical bean recital back there?
Paris: Hey, I was trying to give the kid some human contact. He's been talking to nothing but a cow for a year and a half.
Brad: There was a person inside that cow, I've told you that!

Rory: It's amazing how you manage to hide those bolts on the side of your neck. What is that, just really good cover up?
Paris: Rory, lower your voice. People are trying to concentrate.
Rory: Wow.
Paris: Wow, what?
Rory: Your speech must really suck.
Paris: Excuse me?
Rory: I mean, if you're going to all this trouble to psych out everyone else, then you must know you have a loser there.
Paris: Mind games. Not your forte, cupcake. Stick to talking to losers off the train tracks, will you?
Rory: You're horrible.
Paris: And I'm going to win.

Lorelai: How have you been?
Max Medina: I've been good.
Lorelai: Good.
Max Medina: I've been in California.
Lorelai: Well, cowabunga dude.
Max Medina: Yes, that's my official California name.
Lorelai: So, California, huh?
Max Medina: Stanford, actually. I was teaching a class there.
Lorelai: Good. It's about time that dump got some decent teachers.
Max Medina: Yes, they're really trying to turn the place around.

Max Medina: And Rory's good?
Lorelai: Oh, yeah, she's the Encyclopedia Britannica definition of good.
Max Medina: Grades?
Lorelai: Perfect.
Max Medina: Same boyfriend?
Lorelai: Different boyfriend.
Max Medina: Really? You hate him.
Lorelai: No, I don't.
Max Medina: You really hate him.
Lorelai: I smile, I say hi, I let him eat the good cookies.
Max Medina: [chuckles] You wanna have him killed.
Lorelai: Only if I get a really good price.

Lorelai: Have I got something to tell you.
Rory: What?
Lorelai: Or maybe you have something to tell me.
Rory: Don't do that, I have nothing.
Lorelai: Or are you minimizing what you know? Maybe you should maximize it.
Rory: I'm confused.
Lorelai: Maximize it.
Rory: I'm maximum confused.

Richard: That was not my call, and for a second there, I thought a fourth friend of your mother's had had a stroke.
Lorelai: Oh, no.
Richard: But then I realized that it was one of the original stroke ladies' husband's calling to inform me of her stroke, which we already knew about, so here we are.
Lorelai: Thank God.

Sookie: Rough day. We didn't get home until eight.
Lorelai: Eight? Your appointment was at six.
Sookie: Jackson won't drive home faster than seven miles an hour. He doesn't wanna jiggle Baby.
Lorelai: Oh, my God.
Sookie: We spent ten minutes on one speed bump. I could've walked home faster. And he's got this wild look in his eye like he's some kind of death rocker or something, and he keeps making lots of calls, and he punched the calculator so much he broke it.