Luke: What are those?
Lorelai: They're my notes for the talk.
Luke: You put thought into this?
Lorelai: Yeah, don't you have notes?
Luke: I run a diner, what are my notes? I open the door, people come in, they order food, I cook the food, I serve the food, they eat the food. Then there's a terrific action sequence where I refill coffee and water. And oh, my big finale is a description of the whole end of the evening mopping up ceremony.
Lorelai: Hey, you're sure you don't mind me going first?
Luke: Are you kidding? There's a good chance you'll yack so much they won't even get to me.

Lane: It's weird. Like straw. I feel like I should be singing "If I Only Had a Brain".

Lane: I can't do this.
Rory: Can't do what?
Lane: Dye my hair.
Rory: It's kinda too late.
Lane: This is gonna kill her.
Rory: It won't kill her, it'll just shock her.
Lane: But the shock will kill her and then she'll kill me, we're talking bloodbath here.

Lorelai: What was with those kids? So curious, so full of questions. Shouldn't their brains be completely fried on TV and video games by now?

Jess: Hey, the girls that I like don't give a damn about me! And unlike some other people I know, I'm not gonna sit around hoping that they change their minds and suddenly notice me.
Luke: What's that supposed to mean?
Jess: You fixed any neighbor's porches lately? Or you go on a picnic or you get rooked into giving a ridiculous speech at a high school?
Luke: Shut up.
Jess: At least I've got a little self-esteem.
Luke: Shut up.
Jess: I'm not playing Golden Retriever, hoping one day she'll turn around and fall in my arms. If she doesn't wanna be with me, then fine.
Luke: You have no idea what you're talking about.
Jess: Whatever. I gotta go, Shane's waiting.
Luke: Oh, you mean what's-her-name?
Jess: Yeah, I'll bring you a new leash when I get back.

Lorelai: Why do we need a plan?
Rory: A plan so that Lane doesn't have to quit her band.
Lorelai: Lane can't quit the band! She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono.
Rory: I told her that.
Lorelai: All right, let's go eat... see if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie.
Rory: Sounds good.
Lorelai: Let's go to Al's Pancake World for a change. He's doing a salute to Jamaica again.
Rory: Okay, as long as Al doesn't play the kettle drums all night.
Lorelai: We'll hide his mallets when he's not looking.

Rory: So, come on, tell me how the talk went.
Lorelai: Oh, it was great. It was one minute on my success in the business world, and that went very well. And it was ten minutes on the possibility that if I had had sex with a different man at a different time in my life, you wouldn't have been born.
Rory: What?
Lorelai: Ugh, I kind of got off on a tangent.
Rory: A big one. How did that happen?
Lorelai: I'll tell you about it at Al's. Just don't expect to be invited to any more swim parties at Kathy Fincher's house.
Rory: Well, don't wait 'til Al's. Tell me now.
Lorelai: Oh, I just love my little fluke.

Lorelai: [on the phone] Plus, I promised the PTA, so my fragile reputation is on the line.
Luke: I think you'll live.
Lorelai: Oh, Luke.
Luke: No!
Lorelai: [as Louis Armstrong] Hello, Dolly!
Luke: Stop that.
Lorelai: This is Louis, Dolly!
Luke: I'll just hang up.
Lorelai: I'll be coming ‘round the diner singing songs.
Luke: Have you been diagnosed?
Lorelai: [normal voice] See you tomorrow at four.

Lorelai: So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
Rory: The other side of...
Lorelai: The other side.
Rory: With republicans?
Lorelai: No. Lately I've been having these dark premonitions.
Rory: Oh, about what?
Luke: [serves burgers] Dead cow, dead cow.
Lorelai: That's weird.
Rory: He's always weird.

Lorelai: No, I mean, my premonitions have been about death, about my death.
Rory: I don't wanna hear this.
Lorelai: And the thing is, they're all silly.
Rory: What do you mean, silly?
Lorelai: In one, I slip on a banana peel and fall into a giant vat of whipped cream.
Rory: Silly and fattening.
Lorelai: In another, a turtle eats me.
Rory: A turtle, how?
Lorelai: Very slowly. There's lots of chewing.
Rory: And in your premonition, you didn't run away from what is perhaps the slowest land animal on the earth?
Lorelai: His first bite injects me with immobilizing poison.
Rory: Well, you left that part out.