Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can't tell him, Phoebe. I can't. I can't. I can't.
Phoebe: Rachel, no it's okay-
Rachel: Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna wait a couple of years, and then the baby will tell him.
Phoebe: Why? So he can get mad at the baby?
Rachel: Hey, that is the baby's problem.

Monica: Oh, my God, you are gonna love me so much. I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing. So tonight you're gonna have a bachelor party.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Yeah, I got this number from a guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?

Chandler: Honey, that's crazy, I don't want you to get me a stripper.
Joey: Will you let the lady talk?

Monica: Who else do you wanna invite?
Chandler: No, no, no. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.
Ross: Actually, sorry, I can't even make it. I'm seeing Mona again tonight.
Chandler: I understand. I mean, who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?
Joey: [on the phone] I'm sorry. I gotta cancel tonight, baby.

Dr. Green: This is unacceptable, Rachel. And I wanna know why! Is it because that punk, Ross, won't marry you? That's it. Is that it?
Rachel: Yes. Yes. He says I'm damaged goods.

Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her? I ought to kill you!
Ross: You know, this is actually not a great time for me.

Dr. Green: So, come on. Explain yourself, Geller. First you get my Rachel pregnant.
Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?
Ross: Who did?
Dr. Green: You did!
Ross: Yes, I did. Yes, but it was just a one-night thing. It meant nothing.
Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That's what my daughter means to you, nothing?
Ross: No, no. No, sir. She means a lot to me. I care- I love Rachel.
Mona: What?
Ross: But not that way. I mean, I'm not in love with her. I love her like a friend.
Dr. Green: Oh, really? That's how you treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
Ross: Hey, I offered to marry her.
Mona: What?
Ross: But I didn't want to.
Dr. Green: Well, why not? So you could spend your time with this tramp?
Mona: Tramp?
Ross: I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.

Stripper: You mind if I smoke in here?
Chandler: Actually, I'd rather- Yeah, go ahead. We're gonna have to burn that room down, anyway.

Joey: All right, maybe you should just ask her to leave.
Chandler: Why me?
Joey: Hey, it's your bachelor party.
Chandler: Which is why you should do it.
Joey: I don't want to. You do it.
Chandler: You do it.
Joey: You do it.
Chandler: All right. Rock, paper, scissors for who has to tell the whore to leave. ... What?
Joey: I miss this.
Chandler: I don't think we've actually done this before.

Ross: So your dad dropped by. He's a pleasant man.
Rachel: Oh, no.
Phoebe: I better go. Just over here. I don't want to miss the fight.
Rachel: Ross, I am so sorry. Okay, I promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow, in person. Or via e-mail.
Ross: I don't care about your dad. I care about Mona. She was there and now she is totally freaked out.
Rachel: Oh, okay. I'll fix that too. What's her e-mail address?