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‘The One with the Rumor’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Rumor

809. The One with the Rumor

Aired November 22, 2001

When Monica invites Will (Brad Pitt), a high school friend, to Thanksgiving dinner, he reveals a long-standing grudge against Rachel.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Anyway, it just doesn't seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people. Okay, it's a lot of work.
Joey: But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving. I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like Fourth of July with no apple pie. Or Friday with no two pizzas.
Monica: Fine, if it means that much to you. But there's gonna be a ton left over.
Joey: No, there won't. I promise I will finish that turkey.
Monica: All right. You're telling me you can eat almost an entire turkey in one sitting?
Joey: That's right. Because I'm a Tribbiani. This is what we do. I mean, we may not be great thinkers or world leaders. We don't read a lot or run very fast, but damn it, we can eat!

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Quote from Ross

Rachel: Will, I just want to say, I'm real sorry for whatever I did to you in high school.
Will: Oh, it wasn't just me. We had a club.
Rachel: You had a club?
Will: That's right. The "I Hate Rachel Green Club".
Rachel: Oh, my God. So you all just joined together to hate me? Who else was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross.
Ross: No need to point. She knows who Ross is.

Quote from Joey

Joey: That's it? Even if nobody helps me, I can eat that, no problem. At least give me a challenge.
Monica: This is Chandler's chicken. This is the turkey.
Joey: Oh. How big is that?
Monica: About 19 pounds.
Joey: It's like me when I was born.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Oh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook, actually.
Phoebe: Wow.
Ross: She didn't photograph well.
Chandler: Well, she probably wasn't familiar with the process, having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings.

Quote from Joey

Joey: You are my Everest.
Monica: Joey, you don't have to finish that.
Joey: Oh, yes, I do. Otherwise, what's next? Today I'm just a guy who can't finish a turkey, but tomorrow I'm the guy who eats half a Power Bar, wrap up the rest and puts it in the fridge? No. I just gotta change my pants. What was I thinking? Jeans have no give.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Look, I'm not calling anybody. It was like a million years ago.
Rachel: I don't care how long ago it was. You told people that I was half and half. You know what, I just want to point out I never did anything to hurt you in high school.
Monica: That's not totally true.
Rachel: What?
Ross: What?
Monica: Well, you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altmann, our 50-year-old librarian.
Ross: How did you know that?!
Monica: It's true?
Ross: No.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I'm sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?
Ross: Hey, she didn't look 50.
Chandler: Did she look 16?

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: So how did this happen? Did she lure you to an early-bird dinner?
Ross: I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed some help with her word jumble. And one thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender. May she rest in peace.
Monica: Didn't she walk with a cane?
Ross: Only when it was damp!

Quote from Ross

Monica: And Ross, if it weren't for Rachel's rumor, no one in high school would have even known who you were. She put you on the map.
Ross: As a romancer of the elderly.
Monica: Hey, Mrs. Altmann was the kind of woman you could tell she used to be pretty.
Ross: The eyes did still sparkle.

Quote from Joey

Joey: All right, where's that turkey?
Phoebe: Joey, those are my maternity pants.
Joey: No, no. These are my Thanksgiving pants!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Well, that's it. I'm done. Whew. Here come the meat sweats.
Monica: Well, Joey, we're all very proud of you.
Chandler: Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the president any moment now.
Phoebe: Is there anything we can do for you?
Joey: No. Just nobody press on my stomach.
Rachel: You can keep those pants, by the way.
Joey: Ooh, what you got there? What is that, pie?
Monica: Yeah. You want some?
Joey: Yeah, just cut me a little sliver. Little bigger. Little bigger. What are you afraid you're going to run out? Cut me a real piece!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hey. Look, I brought you my old maternity clothes.
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, that's so sweet. Oh, those are so cute.
Phoebe: Yeah, and look. See how they expand as the baby grows? And then after the baby's born they're great for shoplifting melons.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Anyway, Will's here on business and he didn't have a place to go so I invited him here.
Rachel: That's nice.
Monica: Oh, by the way, he's lost a bunch of weight. I mean, he looks good. Okay, I mean really gorgeous.
[Joey clears his throat]
Monica: I still love Chandler.
Joey: Wouldn't hurt you to say it once in a while.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Could you fold these napkins?
Phoebe: Yeah, sure.
Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams.
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: No, no, no, sweetie. No, not like that. We're not at a barn dance. You want to fold them like swans. Like I showed you at Christmas time, remember?
Phoebe: Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: So how's the game?
Chandler: I have no idea.
Phoebe: What?
Chandler: Yeah, I'm pretending to watch the game so I don't have to help out with stuff.
Phoebe: I don't believe you. That is brilliant! And Monica has no idea?
Chandler: No. Every once in a while, I just yell and scream stuff at the TV. 'Ey! What? 'Ey!
Monica: Your team winning, hon?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, Anderson just scored again. [to Phoebe] There is no Anderson.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hey, Mon? I don't think I can help you after all. I didn't realize this game was on.
Monica: Oh, I didn't know you like football.
Phoebe: Well, normally, I don't. But, you know, Green Bay is playing.
Monica: You like Green Bay?
Phoebe: Well, it's only like my favorite bay.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: You want to meet some people? This is my husband, Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.
Chandler: Oh, hey. I'd shake your hand but I'm really into the game. Plus, I think it'd be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: You know, it's been a while since we screamed something. Maybe we should.
Phoebe: Oh, okay.
Chandler: Oh, come on!
Phoebe: No! Damn you, ref! You burn in hell!

Quote from Joey

Monica: What are you doing? You've got to save room. You've got almost an entire turkey to eat.
Joey: Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm up my stomach first. Eating chips is like stretching.
Monica: Okay.
Joey: Don't worry. Tribbianis never get full.
Will: I actually know what you're talking about. And I'm here to tell you something, my friend. You can eat and eat and eat, but nothing will ever fill that void.
Joey: Who the hell is this guy?

Quote from Ross

Ross: I don't think I've seen you since Lance Davis's graduation party.
Will: That was such a fun night.
Ross: Yeah. It would've been good if we had gotten in, but still fun.
Will: God, we were lame back them. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were?
Ross: Yeah.
Will: So what do you do now?
Ross: So how long are you in town?

Quote from Monica

Rachel: Wow, he's really got that sexy smoldering thing going on. Oh, my God. Look at the way he's just staring at me. I think he's trying to mouth something to me, but I can't make it out.
Will: [mouths] I hate you!
Monica: Okay, dinner's ready!

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: Solid effort. Solid effort.
Monica: Oh, so who won?
Phoebe: Green Bay.
Chandler: Detroit.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Well, the Lions technically won. But it was a moral victory for the Green Bay ... Mermen.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Hi! Will, right?
Will: Right.
Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel Green.
Will: Oh, I remember you.
Rachel: Really? Aren't you sweet? I gotta tell you, though, I'm having the hardest time placing you. Oh, oh, hang on! I think I remember you. Did we fool around at Lance Davis's graduation party?
Will: You are unbelievable.
Rachel: Thank you.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Who would like some yams? Will?
Will: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Rachel: What? Oh, you know what, can we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table? The smell is just yuck.
Will: Typical.
Rachel: I'm sorry. What?
Will: I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green. Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in little Rachel-land.
Joey: Seriously, who is this guy?

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Um, sorry, do you have a problem with me?
Will: I don't know. Do I? Do I?
Phoebe: I think you do.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Apparently, you were a little mean to him in high school.
Will: A little mean? You made my life miserable.
Rachel: I- I had no idea. I'm sorry.
Will: Well, you should be. Screw it. Bring on the yams.
Monica: Aw, Will, but you worked so hard.
Will: Yams!
Monica: Okay.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: So you were in an "I Hate Rachel" club?
Will: Yes, he was. [Will goes to high five Ross]
Ross: No, no.
Rachel: So who else was in this club?
Ross: Uh, actually, there was also that exchange student from Thailand. But I don't think he knew what it was.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: So, Ross, we went out for two years and you never told me you were in an "I Hate Rachel Club"?
Will: You went out with her? We had a pact.
Ross: That was in high school. It's not like it was binding forever.
Will: Then why did it have the word "eternity" in it?

Quote from Ross

Ross: Look, Rach, I'm sorry, okay? I was a stupid kid, okay? The only reason I joined-
Will: Cofounded.
Ross: Cofounded. Cofounded he club, was that I was insanely in love with you. Obviously I didn't handle it very well. But if you think about it, the "I Hate Rachel Club" was really the "I Love Rachel Club."
Will: Uh, except that it was really the "I Hate Rachel Club."

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: So what, you guys would just get together and say mean things about me?
Will: Well, we did a little more than that.
Ross: No, no. No, no. No, no.
Phoebe: Why? What else did you do?
Will: We started a rumor.
Rachel: What rumor?
Phoebe: Oh, come on, Will. Just take off your shirt and tell us.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Ross?
Ross: It was no big deal. We said that- The rumor was that you had both male and female reproductive parts.
Will: Ha!
Rachel: What?
Will: That's right. We said your parents flipped a coin and decided to raise you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Monica: You started that?
Rachel: What? You heard that?
Monica: Everyone at our school heard it.
Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it. You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year. "Dear Rach, you're such a great person." Not girl, "person."
Ross: Rach, I think you're reading a little too much into it.
Rachel: "Dear, Rach. You're a great person. Sorry about your teeny weenie."

Quote from Monica

Ross: What do you want me to do? You want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn't true?
Rachel: Yes.
Will: Could you also tell them I'm skinny now.
Monica: Oh! Me too!

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: I can't believe you told people about this. Everybody knew? You know what? I'm back in the club.
Will: Yeah!
Phoebe: I wanna join!
Rachel: What? Phoebe?
Phoebe: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I never got to be in a club. I didn't go to high school. But three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: I mean, we are having a baby together.
Will: Hold on. You got her pregnant?
Ross: Yeah.
Will: Are you getting married?
Ross: No.
Will: So you knocked her up but you're not gonna marry her. Dude. [Will puts his hand out for a high-five] Anybody?
Phoebe: Okay. [Phoebe hugs Will] It's exactly how I imagined it would be.


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