Phoebe: Ooh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone?
Rachel: Yeah, sure, Pheebs. That's what it's there for. Emergencies and pretend agents.

Janice: So how come you wanted to eat in tonight?
Chandler: Because I wanted to give you this.
Janice: Aren't you a puppy. Contact paper. You never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper?
Chandler: Wait, there's more. See, the contact paper is to go in your brand new drawer. See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.
Janice: Oh. You didn't have to do this.
Chandler: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because you're my girlfriend and that's what girlfriends should get.
Janice: Well, I gotta buy a vowel because, oh, my God! Who would've thought that someday Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer?
Chandler: Well, not me. But that's what's happened.

Rachel: Here you go, honey. This will help.
Chandler: So I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship's going too fast and we have to slow down.
Monica: That is never good.
Chandler: Then I got all ... needy and clingy.
Rachel: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it?
Chandler: She said she'd call me.
[Monica and Rachel groan]
Chandler: Oh, God.
Monica: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
Chandler: This ice cream tastes like crap, by the way.
Rachel: Yeah, well, it's that low-cal-nondairy-soyamilk junk. We save the real stuff for the truly terminal cases.
Monica: You know, when you start getting screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low fat.
Rachel: Yeah, you do.

Phoebe: I'm sorry. I quit.
Joey: No, no, you can't quit. You're the best agent I ever had. Look, Pheebs, rejection is part of being an actor. You can't take it personal.
Phoebe: Not personal? Okay, they said they'd never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.
Joey: They actually said that?
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, God, there's that face again. See? I can't do this job.
Joey: No, see, this is why you have to do this job. Agents always lie. Estelle just says stuff like, "They went another way." But this? I can use this. [in a bad Italian accent] I can work on a new accent.

Chandler: I'm just, you know, picking up some things for a party.
Janice: Barley? What kind of party serves barley?
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.
Janice: Where is this party?
Chandler: Here in Chelsea.
Janice: Whose party is it?
Chandler: A woman's.
Janice: What woman?
Chandler: Chelsea.

Phoebe: Okay, we got some more good rejections. Lots of stuff to work on.
Joey: Okay. Shoot.
Phoebe: Okay. Oh, the zoo commercial.
Joey: I didn't get it?
Phoebe: They said that you "weren't believable as a human being." So you can work on that.

Joey: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you just make all that stuff up to get out of being my agent?
Phoebe: Oh, he caught me. I am so busted.
Joey: [in a bad Italian accent] That's what I suspected.

Monica: See? Now, this is why I keep notepads everywhere.
Phoebe: Yep. And that's why we don't invite you to play.

Phoebe: I need a pen. Pen! [Phoebe writes on the back of Chandler's neck]
Chandler: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!
Monica: Oh, now you want a pad.

Joey: Go for it, man. Jump off the high dive. Stare down the barrel of the gun. Pee into the wind.
Chandler: Joe, I assure you, if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm gonna be pretty much peeing every which way.