Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel

304. The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel

Aired October 10, 1996

Chandler gets advice from Monica and Rachel as he worries his relationship with Janice is getting serious. Meanwhile, Phoebe pretends to be Joey's agent and Ross is upset that Ben is playing with a Barbie doll.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: And there's more. We should take a trip.
Janice: We should?
Chandler: We're a couple, and that's what couples do. And I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents.
Janice: [laughs] I don't think we need to because you're tripping me out right now. Are you okay?
Chandler: No, I am. I actually am. I mean, this is amazing. My entire life, I have feared this place. And now that I'm here, it's like, what was the big deal? I mean, I could probably say, "Let's move in together," and I'd be okay.
Janice: You probably want us to move in together?
Chandler: It doesn't scare me.
Janice: Yeah, well it scares me. I mean, I'm not even divorced yet. You just invited me over here for pasta and all of a sudden you're talking about moving in together. And I wasn't even that hungry. You know what? It's getting really late, and I should just-
Chandler: Don't go. I've scared you. I've said too much. I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!

Rate

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: [high-pitched voice] Hi, this is Caitlin from Phoebe Buffay's office. Is Anne there for Phoebe? She'll know what it's about.
Joey: Hang up. Hang up right.
Phoebe: [in a Brooklyn accent] Annie? Hi. Listen, we've got a problem with Joey Tribbiani. Apparently, he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle? No, I don't know what to do with her. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment. The world does not stop.
Chandler: Is anybody else scared?
Phoebe: Well, look, all right. If Joey loses this audition, then that is it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie, you are a doll. What time can you see him?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: [high-pitched voice] Hi. I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, she's in her car, I'll have to patch you through.
Rachel: Very nice touch.
Phoebe: [high-pitched voice] Okay, go ahead. [in a Brooklyn accent] Hi, Annie? Fantastic.
You got it! Okay, will he work for scale, you ask me? Well, I don't know about that. Except that I do and he will. Great. Oh, you are such a sweetheart. I would love to have lunch with you. How about we have lunch next- Ooh, went through a tunnel.

Quote from Ross

Monica: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbie. Big deal. You used to dress up like a woman.
Ross: What?
Monica: The way you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time?
Ross: What are you talking about?
Monica: The big hat, the pearls, the little pink handbag?
Ross: Okay. You are totally making this up.
Monica: How can you not remember? You made us call you "Bea"?
Ross: Oh, God.
Susan: I've literally never been this happy.
Monica: Wasn't there a little song?
Carol: Oh, please, God, let there be a song.
Ross: There was no song. There was no song.
Monica: I am Bea, I drink tea-
Ross: That's enough.
Monica: Won't you- Won't you- Won't you-
Ross: Won't you dance around with me?

Quote from Chandler

Monica: I got it. Pretend you just woke up. That'll throw her off. Be sleepy.
Rachel: Yes. And grumpy.
Chandler: What are you-? Stop naming dwarfs!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, Janice, it's me. I wanted to apologize in advance for having chased you down the street.

Quote from Monica

Rachel: Here you go, honey. This will help.
Chandler: So I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship's going too fast and we have to slow down.
Monica: That is never good.
Chandler: Then I got all ... needy and clingy.
Rachel: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it?
Chandler: She said she'd call me.
[Monica and Rachel groan]
Chandler: Oh, God.
Monica: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
Chandler: This ice cream tastes like crap, by the way.
Rachel: Yeah, well, it's that low-cal-nondairy-soyamilk junk. We save the real stuff for the truly terminal cases.
Monica: You know, when you start getting screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low fat.
Rachel: Yeah, you do.

Quote from Chandler

Janice: Chandler.
Chandler: [in a British accent] Hello, Janice.
Janice: What are you doing here?
Chandler: Uh, just a bit of shopping. How have you been?
Janice: Are you being British?
Chandler: [in his normal voice] No. Not anymore.

Quote from Chandler

Janice: So one of two things are happening here. Either you're seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet, or else you're pretending to see somebody, which just makes you so pathetic I could start crying here in the cereal aisle. So which of these two guys do you want to be?
Chandler: [looking off in the distance] Can I be that guy?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Okay, we got some more good rejections. Lots of stuff to work on.
Joey: Okay. Shoot.
Phoebe: Okay. Oh, the zoo commercial.
Joey: I didn't get it?
Phoebe: They said that you "weren't believable as a human being." So you can work on that.

Quote from Susan

Carol: G.I. Joe? G.I. Joe?!
Ross: I don't know what to tell you guys. That's the doll he chose.
Susan: What'd you do, dip it in sugar?

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: See? Now, this is why I keep notepads everywhere.
Phoebe: Yep. And that's why we don't invite you to play.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: Estelle tried. The casting director told her I missed my chance.
Phoebe: Well, that is unfair. I'll call her. I'll tell her it was totally my fault.
Joey: You can't. The casting director doesn't talk to friends. She only talks to agents.
Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: I need a pen. Pen! [Phoebe writes on the back of Chandler's neck]
Chandler: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!
Monica: Oh, now you want a pad.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Go for it, man. Jump off the high dive. Stare down the barrel of the gun. Pee into the wind.
Chandler: Joe, I assure you, if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm gonna be pretty much peeing every which way.

Quote from Rachel

Phoebe: Ooh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone?
Rachel: Yeah, sure, Pheebs. That's what it's there for. Emergencies and pretend agents.

Quote from Chandler

Janice: So how come you wanted to eat in tonight?
Chandler: Because I wanted to give you this.
Janice: Aren't you a puppy. Contact paper. You never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper?
Chandler: Wait, there's more. See, the contact paper is to go in your brand new drawer. See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.
Janice: Oh. You didn't have to do this.
Chandler: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because you're my girlfriend and that's what girlfriends should get.
Janice: Well, I gotta buy a vowel because, oh, my God! Who would've thought that someday Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer?
Chandler: Well, not me. But that's what's happened.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: I'm sorry. I quit.
Joey: No, no, you can't quit. You're the best agent I ever had. Look, Pheebs, rejection is part of being an actor. You can't take it personal.
Phoebe: Not personal? Okay, they said they'd never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.
Joey: They actually said that?
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, God, there's that face again. See? I can't do this job.
Joey: No, see, this is why you have to do this job. Agents always lie. Estelle just says stuff like, "They went another way." But this? I can use this. [in a bad Italian accent] I can work on a new accent.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I'm just, you know, picking up some things for a party.
Janice: Barley? What kind of party serves barley?
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.
Janice: Where is this party?
Chandler: Here in Chelsea.
Janice: Whose party is it?
Chandler: A woman's.
Janice: What woman?
Chandler: Chelsea.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you just make all that stuff up to get out of being my agent?
Phoebe: Oh, he caught me. I am so busted.
Joey: [in a bad Italian accent] That's what I suspected.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: What do I do? I wanna get past this. I don't want to be afraid of commitment.
I want to go through the tunnel to the other side.
Ross: Where there's no fear of commitment.
Chandler: Do we have any- Do we have any thoughts here?
Joey: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself because, as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car. But it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know. Face your fear. You have a fear of heights? You go to the top of the building. You're afraid of bugs. Get a bug. In this case, you have a fear of commitment. So I say you go in there and you be the most committed guy there ever was.
Rachel: Amazingly, that makes sense.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: Hey, man. What's up?
Joey: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?
Chandler: I'll tell you, I do enjoy guilt but it wasn't me.
Phoebe: Yes, it was. It was him. Okay, it was me.
Joey: How was it you?
Phoebe: Well, it was all so crazy, you know? Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to seven and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See? All of it.
Joey: Yep, that's my audition.

Quote from Susan

Ross: Where's my boy? Where's my boy? Here's my boy. And here's his Barbie. What's my boy doing with a Barbie?
Carol: He picked it out at the store. He loves it.
Susan: He carries it everywhere, like a security blanket. But with ski boots and a kicky beret.

Quote from Joey

Monica: I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?
Joey: I loved that movie.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: What's the big deal. Why don't you want to see Janice?
Chandler: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took all my tomatoes.
Ross: And that's bad because you hate chicken piccata? You didn't want to share your tomatoes. Tomatoes are very important to you.
Chandler: No, it's like all of a sudden, we were this "couple." And this alarm started going off in my head. "Run for your life! Get out of the building!"

Quote from Monica

Chandler: That's why I don't want to go tonight. I'm afraid I'll say something stupid.
Monica: You mean that "guy thing" where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you?
Joey: Hey, you know about that?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: It's a critical time. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. If you want her back, you have got to start acting aloof.
Monica: She has to know you're not needy.
Rachel: So what you have to do is accidentally run into her on purpose and then act aloof.
Chandler: So I'm not gonna lose her?
Rachel: Oh, honey, you're not a total loser.
Chandler: I said, "So I'm not gonna lose her?"
Rachel: Oh.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Look, Ben. It's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: That TV movie I went in for, did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.
Phoebe: Yes, they called. You didn't get it. Okay? I mean, you didn't get it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Joey: That's okay. These things happen.
Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen. You know what? You're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh, God, I don't want to be the person who makes you look like that.
Joey: I'm okay. See?
Phoebe: Now you're sad and creepy.

Quote from Rachel

Chandler: I've actually ruined this, haven't l? It's time for the good ice cream now, right?
Rachel: Yeah, it is.


 Episode 303 Episode 305 
  Select another episode