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‘The One with the Jam’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Jam

303. The One with the Jam

Aired October 3, 1996

Monica tries to move on from her break-up with Richard by making jams. Meanwhile, Ross and Rachel give Chandler relationship advice, and Phoebe meets her twin sister's stalker.

Quote from Ross

[Immediately after Rachel leaves the apartment:]
Ross: Okay, the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
Chandler: I thought you were [cutesy] "cuddly sleepers."
Ross: No, not cuddly. Not me. Just her. I'm like you. I need the room. Okay, come here. Okay. You're in bed. I'll use the cushion. Okay. You're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now, you wait for her to drift off and then you hug her, and roll her over to her side of the bed. And then you roll away. Hug for her. Roll for you.

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Quote from Joey

Joey: Remember when you were a kid, your mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
Rachel: You're so pretty.

Quote from Joey

Monica: All right, how's this? Twenty-seven, ltalian-American guy. He's an actor. Born in Queens. Wow, big family. Seven sisters and he's the only boy. [Everyone looks at Joey] Oh, my God! Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule."
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!

Quote from Joey

Joey: You're really doing it?
Monica: Oh, yeah. I picked a guy. 37135.
Joey: He sounds nice.
Monica: I'd say so. He's got brown hair and green eyes.
Joey: No kidding. Huh.
Monica: What?
Joey: I figured you'd have picked a blond.
Monica: Really? Why?
Joey: I always pictured you with a tall, smart, blond guy with a name like ... Hoyt.
Monica: Hoyt?
Joey: It's a name. I saw you in this great house with a big pool.
Monica: Is he a swimmer?
Joey: Well, he's got the body for it.
Monica: I like that.
[Joey laughing]
Monica: What?
Joey: You guys have one of those sign that says: "We don't swim in your toilet. Don't pee in our pool."
Monica: We do not have one of those signs.
Joey: Sure you do. It was a gift from me.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I called the sperm bank today. They haven't sold a single unit of Tribbiani. Nobody wants my product. I don't get it. [Joey gets jam all over his face as he licks the jar] Maybe if they met me in person.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Hey, look at me. I' m making jam. I've been at it since 4 a.m.
Ross: Where'd you get fruit at 4 a.m.?
Monica: Down at the docks. Bet you didn't know you can get it wholesale.
Rachel: I didn't know there were docks.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: So, did you tell the doctor you did it jumping on your bed?
Joey: No. I had a whole story worked out, but then Chandler sold me out.
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry, Joe, I just didn't think the doctor would buy that it "fell out of the socket."

Quote from Monica

Monica: I'm going into business. I'm sick of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan. A plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam!

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Wait a minute. Look! It's an empty apartment. We're all alone in an empty apartment.
Rachel: Honey, I have to be at work in 10 minutes. [Ross starts kissing Rachel] All right. It's not like I'm employee of the year or anything.

Quote from Ross

Chandler: Do I look fat?
Both: No.
Chandler: Okay. I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean I was calling her a cow.
Rachel: Okay, walk us through it, honey. Walk us through it.
Chandler: Okay. Janice said, "Hi. Do I look fat today?" And I looked at her-
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her? You never look. You just answer. It's like a reflex.
"Do I look fat?" "No."
"Is she prettier than I am?" "No."
"Does size matter?"
Rachel: "No."
Ross: And it works both ways.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Okay. For instance, let's say Janice is coming back from a trip. She gives you two options. Option number one, she'll take a cab home from the airport, or option number two, you can meet her at baggage claim. What do you do?
Chandler: That's easy. Baggage claim.
Ross: Uh, wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three. You meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry currant.
Joey: Aww. [licking jam off his finger] Oh!
Chandler: Joe, I got to ask. [Weighing one hand] The girl from the xerox place, buck naked, or [other hand] a big tub of jam?
Joey: Put your hands together!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Joey, take your time with that. It's my last batch.
Joey: No more jam?
Rachel: What happened to your jam plan?
Monica: Well, I figured out I'd need to charge $17 a jar just to break even. So I've got a new plan now. Babies.
Chandler: Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.

Quote from Ross

Monica: The great thing about the jam plan was I was taking control of my life. So I asked my self, "What is the most important thing to me?" And that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Ross: Aren't you forgetting something? What is- What is that guy's name? Dad.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: It took me 28 years to find a man I wanted to spend my life with. If I have to wait another 28 years, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby. And that's just stupid.
Chandler: That's what's stupid?
Monica: I don't need an actual man. Just a few of his best swimmers. And there are places you can go to get that ... stuff.
Rachel: Down to the docks again?

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6' 2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Gina Davis.
Chandler: You mean there's more than one of us?

Quote from Joey

Monica: Joey, this is you.
Joey: Let me see. Oh, right.
Rachel: When did you go to a sperm bank?
Joey: Right after I did that sex study at NYU. Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
Chandler: That's how you bought it?
Joey: No. That's what I was wearing when I donated.

Quote from Janice

Rachel: What happened?
Janice: Crazy Chandler spun me off the bed.
Rachel: Wow. Spinning. Sounds like fun.
Janice: I wish. No, you know, he was just trying Ross's "hug and roll" thing.
Rachel: Ross's what?
Janice: You know, where he hugs you and then he rolls you away, and - Oh, my God.

Quote from Monica

Joey: Where you going?
Monica: To the bank.
Joey: Sperm or regular?
Monica: Sperm.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Wow. This guy's an astronaut? That would have been cool ... for like a day.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Chan, can I talk to you for a second?
Chandler: Sure. What's up?
Ross: Just one additional relationship thought. Something you're already probably familiar with. Women talk. [Ross hits Chandler on the head with a magazine]


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