‘The One with the Jam’
Season 3, Episode 3 - Aired October 3, 1996
Monica tries to move on from her break-up with Richard by making jams. Meanwhile, Ross and Rachel give Chandler relationship advice, and Phoebe meets her twin sister's stalker.
Quote from Rachel
Monica: It took me 28 years to find a man I wanted to spend my life with. If I have to wait another 28 years, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby. And that's just stupid.
Chandler: That's what's stupid?
Monica: I don't need an actual man. Just a few of his best swimmers. And there are places you can go to get that ... stuff.
Rachel: Down to the docks again?
Quote from Chandler
Monica: Sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6' 2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Gina Davis.
Chandler: You mean there's more than one of us?
Quote from Joey
Monica: Joey, this is you.
Joey: Let me see. Oh, right.
Rachel: When did you go to a sperm bank?
Joey: Right after I did that sex study at NYU. Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
Chandler: That's how you bought it?
Joey: No. That's what I was wearing when I donated.
Quote from Monica
Joey: Where you going?
Monica: To the bank.
Joey: Sperm or regular?
Monica: Sperm.
Quote from Joey
Joey: Wow. This guy's an astronaut? That would have been cool ... for like a day.
Quote from Ross
Ross: Chan, can I talk to you for a second?
Chandler: Sure. What's up?
Ross: Just one additional relationship thought. Something you're already probably familiar with. Women talk. [Ross hits Chandler on the head with a magazine]
Quote from Rachel
Monica: Hey, look at me. I' m making jam. I've been at it since 4 a.m.
Ross: Where'd you get fruit at 4 a.m.?
Monica: Down at the docks. Bet you didn't know you can get it wholesale.
Rachel: I didn't know there were docks.
Quote from Rachel
Ross: Wait a minute. Look! It's an empty apartment. We're all alone in an empty apartment.
Rachel: Honey, I have to be at work in 10 minutes. [Ross starts kissing Rachel] All right. It's not like I'm employee of the year or anything.
Quote from Ross
Ross: Okay. For instance, let's say Janice is coming back from a trip. She gives you two options. Option number one, she'll take a cab home from the airport, or option number two, you can meet her at baggage claim. What do you do?
Chandler: That's easy. Baggage claim.
Ross: Uh, wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three. You meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.
Quote from Janice
Rachel: What happened?
Janice: Crazy Chandler spun me off the bed.
Rachel: Wow. Spinning. Sounds like fun.
Janice: I wish. No, you know, he was just trying Ross's "hug and roll" thing.
Rachel: Ross's what?
Janice: You know, where he hugs you and then he rolls you away, and - Oh, my God.