Joey: Guys, is everything okay? It's me, Jo-
Chandler: Aaaa- Adoption!
Laura: What's going on?
Chandler: Oh, it's just like I said, that crazy Bert, roaming the halls.
Joey: Guys?
Monica: Keep on roaming, Bert. We don't want any crazy today.
Joey: What's going on?
Chandler: We'll talk to you later, Bert. Everything's fine.
Joey: Everything doesn't sound fine.
Laura: Is he all right out there by himself?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. He has a caretaker. His older brother Ernie.
Laura: Bert and Ernie?
Chandler: You can't make this stuff up.

Laura: I must say this seems like a lovely environment to raise a child in.
Monica: Oh, by the way, you are more than welcome to look under any of the furniture because, believe me, you won't find any porn or cigarettes under there.

Monica: So that was the baby's room. What room should we see next?
Chandler: Any room that isn't behind this couch. [laughing]
Monica: Some people don't get him, but I think he's really funny.

Chandler: You have to get out of here. You slept with our social worker and you never called her back. And she is still pissed, so she can't see you.
Joey: Okay, okay.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I forgot my bat.
Laura: Oh, my God.
Chandler: And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you. And we don't wanna buy your bat.
Laura: What are you doing here?
Joey: Bert. Bert. Bert. Bert.

Monica: Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, my God, really? I can't wait to tell Chandler. Okay. Goodbye.
Chandler: Wrong number?

Monica: That was Laura. She gave us a great report and we're officially on the waiting list.
Chandler: That's great.
Monica: Now we just wait for a call and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. [phone rings]
Chandler: Hello? Have you seen Joey's bat?

Rachel: Ross. Oh, my God, are you okay?
Ross: Son of a bitch! [to kids in the park] Oh, relax. I didn't say the F-word.

Ross: I just think you're an adult, okay? And you should get over your silly fears.
Rachel: All right, fine. I'll do it.
Ross: Good.
Rachel: lf you hold a spider.
Ross: Where?! Where?!

Mike: You never told me about that guy and your sweet 16. I'm sorry about that.
Phoebe: Oh, it ended okay. One of my friends shot him.

Phoebe: You know, I had nothing growing up. ... Just like the kids I took the money from.
Mike: No. No, no. I see where this is going. Don't make me go back there.
Phoebe: Look, I can't have a wedding with this money now. It's tainted.
Mike: Fine, we'll give the money back.
Phoebe: And if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time, my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really long time.