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‘The One with Ross's Grant’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Ross's Grant

1006. The One with Ross's Grant

Aired November 6, 2003

After Ross applies for a science grant, he finds out that Charlie's ex-boyfriend is in charge of reviewing the applications. Meanwhile, Rachel and Monica fight over who gets Phoebe's disturbing artistic creation, and Joey asks Chandler to get him an audition for a commercial he's working on.

Quote from Ross

Ross: So did he get on one knee? Did he have a speech prepared? Oh, did he cry? Yeah, big surprise, I like proposals.

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Quote from Monica

Phoebe: And the worst one, he wants me to get rid of Gladys.
Monica: Who's Gladys? [gasps] Oh, what a tragic loss.
Phoebe: Yeah, I really hate to give her up. Oh, I know. Oh, you should take her.
Monica: Oh, I don't know.
Phoebe: What, you don't like her?
Monica: Of course I do. What's not to like? I'd take her in a minute. But I think that you're giving up too easy. I think that you need to fight for her.
Phoebe: Really, you think?
Monica: Absolutely. You say to him, "I'm sorry, Mike, I can't live without her. She means too much to me."
Phoebe: Okay, I'll fight for her. Okay. Oh, wait. Oh, I just realized, if I do that, that means you don't get her.
Monica: Damn it, I did not think this through.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: All right, fine. You can keep it. As long as you don't mind that she's haunted.
Joey: Hey, what? What?
Rachel: Well, legend has it, Joey, that she comes alive when you're asleep. She climbs out of the frame and then drags her half-a-body across the floor just looking for legs to steal. And then with her one good hand she slowly reaches up and turns your doorknob.
Joey: Get that legless witch out of here!

Quote from Ross

Charlie: So tell me about the grant.
Ross: Well, okay, it's for $25,000. And if I get it, I'll be able to complete my field research. And there will be an article about me in the Paleontology Review. Yeah, it'll be the first time my name is in there without people raising serious questions about my work.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Well, it was really sweet, and, like, the most romantic thing ever.
Joey: Well, here's to Phoebe, who's found the greatest guy in the world. To Phoebe and ... I want to say Mike? To Phoebe and Mike.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Yeah, I'm sorry. I should have given you guys my black book when I got married. Although, it wasn't so much a book as a napkin. With Janice's phone number on it.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, can you cast me in it?
Chandler: Oh, I don't know. I really don't think you're right for the part.
Joey: What do you mean? I can do anything. I'm a chameleon. Huh? I'm old. I'm tired. Oh, I am hot. I'm cold. Come on, what can't I do?
Chandler: First of all, bravo. But I don't think you're right for this. The part's a stuffy college professor.
Joey: I can do that. Hello, I'm your professor. When I'm not busy thinking of important things, or professing I like to use- What's the product?
Chandler: Software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions.
Joey: ... I'm cold.

Quote from Ross

Charlie: No. No, we ended on great terms. I mean, if anything, I think this could help you. You know what? Why don't we all go out to dinner, and I can introduce you.
Ross: Well, if you think it'd help.
Charlie: Yeah, absolutely. I'll call him.
Ross: Okay. Now, is there anything I could do to butter him up? Anything he really likes?
Charlie: He does have a pretty serious latex fetish.
Ross: We'll see how dinner goes.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Oh, it's so hard to get rid of stuff. Did you and Chandler have to make compromises when you first moved in together?
Monica: Chandler did.

Quote from Rachel

Joey: Oh, any word on casting yet?
Chandler: Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part.
Joey: What do you mean? Rach, don't I seem like a professor you'd buy some kind of e-crap from?
Rachel: I'm sorry, this sounds like something I'm never gonna be interested in.

Quote from Ross

Charlie: Ross Geller, Benjamin Hobart.
Ross: It's an honor to meet you. I can't tell you how long I've been an admirer of your work. I mean, that Nobel Prize. Whoo! I mean, I have to tell you that you're one of the reasons I got into the field.
Benjamin Hobart: Well, likewise. Actually not likewise. I'd never heard of you until this morning. But it's nice to be nice.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Who's Gladys?
Phoebe: Oh, she's that work of art I made. You know, with the woman coming out of the frame.
Rachel: Ah. And Monica gets to keep her? In her house? I am so jealous.
Phoebe: Oh, I didn't know you wanted her too.
Rachel: Well, I mean, sure, of course. But you already gave that to Monica, so-
Monica: No. You know, I would give her up for you.
Rachel: No, I couldn't let you do that.
Monica: No, but I want to.
Rachel: But I don't want you to.
Monica: But I insist.
Rachel: But I insist harder.
Phoebe: Girls. Girls. Stop. Okay, we'll flip a coin. Heads, she's Rachel's. Tails, she's Monica's. Tails. Monica, she's yours.
Monica: No, that landed in your food.
Rachel: No, no, that's okay. You won fair and square. I'm so sad.

Quote from Ross

Benjamin Hobart: The selection committee has chosen the three of you as our finalists. The ultimate decision will be based on the answers you give to the questions I ask here. We're going to start with Dr. Li. You claim the field is too reliant on the Linnaean taxonomic system. How do you propose to correct this?
Dr. Li: Well, I believe that the answers lie in the osteological evidence. I plan to begin there.
Benjamin Hobart: Interesting.
Ross: I guess.
Benjamin Hobart: Dr. Biely, your proposal includes some fieldwork. Where might that take place?
Dr. Biely: Primarily in the Pierre Shale region of South Dakota.
Benjamin Hobart: Certainly. Very well. And Dr. Geller, when is my birthday?
Ross: What? l-
Benjamin Hobart: Care to venture a guess?
Ross: May 12?
Benjamin Hobart: That's not even kind of close.

Quote from Ross

Benjamin Hobart: Dr. Li, how many graduate students will you be needing?
Dr. Li: Half a dozen.
Benjamin Hobart: I see. And Dr. Biely?
Dr. Biely: Three for excavation, and two for analysis.
Benjamin Hobart: Certainly. Dr. Geller, which 1965 Shirelles hit was later covered by a popular British Invasion band?
Ross: What? I need six graduate students.
Benjamin Hobart: No, I'm sorry. We were looking for "Baby It's You." "Baby It's You."

Quote from Joey

Joey: Are you still here?
Chandler: Yes. And I have to say I am not just hurt, I'm insulted. When I tell somebody I did something-
Joey: Okay, hold on, let me just stop you right there, okay? First, you lied. Right? Then you lied about lying, okay? Then you lied about lying about lying, okay? So before you lie about lying about lying about lying about lying- Stop lying.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape?
Joey: You wanna know why? You wanna know why?
Rachel: Well, this is going well.
Joey: Here's how I know you didn't watch the tape. If you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments. All right, now, remember, I got paid a lot of money for this and it only aired in Japan.
Advertisement Narrator: Ichiban. Ichiban, lipstick for men.
Joey: Ichiban, lipstick for men. Saikou!
Joey: And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape.
Chandler: He really is a chameleon.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Joey, what is this thing doing here?
Joey: I got her from Monica. She sold it to me for a very reasonable price.
Rachel: Joey, we're not keeping this.
Joey: But it's an original Buffay.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Your ex-boyfriend is insane.
Charlie: Did you get the grant?
Ross: No, I didn't. And you wanna know why? Because your ex-boyfriend is still in love with you.
Charlie: What?
Ross: Yeah. He wouldn't give me the grant because I wouldn't give you up.
Charlie: Benji isn't in love with me. I mean, he broke up with me. And besides, he's a very ethical man.
Ross: Really? Is it ethical to ask someone in a grant review: "Who was the voice of Underdog?"
Charlie: I'm sure he was just joking.
Ross: If you don't believe me, let's go talk to him. I'm telling you, he didn't ask me one paleontological question.
Charlie: Seriously?
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. No, he did ask me one: "How do you spell Boscodictiasaur?"
Charlie: Well, if it's like the Lake Mbosco in Congo, then M-B-O-
Ross: Damn it.

Quote from Ross

Ross: No, no, no. Don't do that. I want you to look her in the eyes and tell her the truth.
Charlie: Benji?
Benjamin Hobart: All right, it's true. I behaved horribly, but it's only because I still love you. And I would do anything to have you back in my life.
Ross: Too little, too late, Benji.
Charlie: I can't believe this.
Benjamin Hobart: I never should've broken up with you. I think about you all the time. Do you ever still think about me?
Ross: No.
Charlie: Yes.
Ross: What?
Charlie: I don't know what to say, Benji. This is all so romantic.
Ross: Or?
Benjamin Hobart: I know I may be way out of bounds here but is there any chance you would take me back?
Charlie: Maybe.
Ross: Sweetie, this conversation is starting to make me a little uncomfortable.
Charlie: Oh, God. I am so sorry, but I mean, there's so much history between us, you know?
Benjamin Hobart: [to Ross] I'm sorry too. [to Charlie] I love you.
Charlie: I love you too.
Ross: Okay, that's it, we are seeing other people.


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