Phoebe: Ooh. Rachel's gonna have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realize how good they have it together.
Joey: Ah, yes, the plan. Ho, ho, ho.
Phoebe: It's not Santa's plan. No, it's- [laughs manically]
Joey: [laughs maniacally] Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
Phoebe: No, I think we killed it.

Chandler: Don't cry, it's just a bit. I'm your uncle Chandler. Funny is all I have!

Monica: Unless maybe we do it here. I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age?
Chandler: Well, she's aware when we leave a room. She may notice if we start canoodling in it.
Monica: Canoodling?
Chandler: Well, I can't say hump or screw in front of the B-A-B-Y.

Monica: I guess you're right.
Chandler: You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed-and-breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window.
Monica: Well, what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer?

Joey: Hello? Emma? Hey. Hi. How are you? How are you? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why is the bedroom door closed? You can't have S-E-X when you're taking care of a B-A-B-l-E.

Waiter #2: What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? You can't do that.
Waiter: Just get out of here, okay?
Ross: I'm sorry, what's going on?
Waiter: Okay, the waiters have a little pool going. We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home.
Ross: What?! You're making money off my misery?
Waiter: Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am.
Ross: This is unbelievable. I have never been so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way.

Monica: Hey, did you stop by here?
Rachel: No.
Monica: Oh, my God. Then- Thank God! Emma, there you are!
Rachel: What? What do you mean, "there you are"? Where was she?
Monica: We were playing peekaboo. She loves it when I'm dramatic.

Joey: It's unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm going to have to tell Rachel about this.
Chandler: No, no.
Monica: Please don't. She will kill us.
Joey: Hey, I gotta. Unless-
Monica: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your first-born child Joey.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Hey, I may never have kids and somebody's gotta carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.
Joey: ... Oh, ha, ha. You almost had me.

Phoebe: Now wait a minute. So they're gonna name their first child Joey? How do I get them to name the next one after me?
Joey: It's easy. You just walk in on them having sex.
Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me, like, three Phoebes.

Joey: Can you believe they're still not here?
Ross: I know. A double blind date and we both get stood up. What are the chances?
Joey: I know, I'm so bummed. Could we have our free crab cakes now?
Waiter: What?
Joey: We've been stood up. And we want our free crab cakes.
Waiter: Guys, give it a rest. Nobody's betting on you tonight. Although we do have a pool going to see how long it takes that guy to cry.
Steve: I have such fat hands!