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‘The One with the Mugging’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Mugging

915. The One with the Mugging

Aired February 13, 2003

After Phoebe and Ross are almost mugged in the street, Phoebe comes clean about a dark time in her life. Meanwhile, Chandler starts an unpaid internship in the advertising industry, and Joey develops a new acting technique.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You mugged me?
Phoebe: Yeah. And I'm so, so sorry, Ross. I'm sorry. But, you know, if you think about it, it's kind of neat. I mean, well, it's just that I've always felt kind of like an outsider. You know, the rest of you have these connections that go way back and, you know, now you and I have a great one.
Ross: It's not the best!

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Quote from Ross

Ross: You know, if I didn't already have a job I think I would've been really good in advertising.
Monica: Ross, you did not come up with: "Got Milk?"
Ross: Yes, I did. I did. I should've written it down.

Quote from Ross

Lowell: All right, lady, now give me your purse.
Phoebe: No.
Ross: What do you mean "no"? I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay!

Quote from Joey

Leonard Hayes: What the hell are you still doing here?
Joey: Oh. Uh. ... I think you know.
Leonard Hayes: Bastard.
Joey: I am what you made me. You know what? I could go right now.
Leonard Hayes: Go! Go!
Joey: I can't. Oh, I want to, Long Pause ... but I can't.
Leonard Hayes: So sorry. You're not supposed to say "long pause".
Joey: Oh! Oh, I thought that was your character's name. You know? I thought you were, like, an Indian or something, you know, with the...

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: What's your news?
Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising.
Monica: Honey, that's incredible.
Phoebe: Gosh, what's the pay like? Oh, come on, people. If I don't know who makes the most how do I know who I like the most? Hi, Joey.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: So what kind of stuff do you think they'll have you do there?
Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the end they hire the people they like.
Phoebe: That's great.
Chandler: I mean, there's probably gonna be some grunt work which will probably stink. You know, a grown man getting people coffee is humiliating. [to Gunther] Humiliating and noble. Thank you.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Where's Chandler? I want to wish him good luck on his first day. And I smelled bacon.
Monica: He just left.
Joey: Who did?

Quote from Joey

Joey: He's done some amazing work.
Rachel: Oh, yeah. I loved him in those cell phone commercials.
Joey: I know. When the monkey hits him in the face with the giant rubber phone-
Monica: Hey, maybe the monkey will be at the audition.
Joey: Don't make me more nervous than I already am!

Quote from Chandler

Jordan: Can I get you a cup of coffee, sir?
Chandler: Oh, no, no. I'm an intern, just like you guys. Except for the tie, the briefcase and the fact that I can rent a car.
Jordan: Seriously, you're an intern?
Chandler: Yeah, well, I'm kind of heading in a new career direction and you gotta start at the bottom.
Jordan: Dude.
Chandler: All right, look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope. ... The comedian. USO.
Jordan: It's U.S.A., sir.

Quote from Joey

Joey: It is so amazing to meet you. I am such a big fan of your work.
Leonard Hayes: Well, I've been blessed with a lot of great roles.
Joey: Tell me about it, huh? "Unlimited nights and weekends!"
Leonard Hayes: Are you making fun of me? Because I am not a sellout. I didn't do that for money. I believe in those phones. I almost lost a cousin because of bad wireless service.
Joey: No, I wasn't making fun of you. Honestly, I think you were great in those commercials.
Leonard Hayes: Really?
Joey: Yeah.
Leonard Hayes: Well, I do bring a certain credibility to the role.
Joey: Are you kidding? When they shoot you out of that cannon-
Leonard Hayes: "Hang up that phone!" One take.
Joey: Wow.

Quote from Joey

Leonard Hayes: You don't want me to do it again?
Joey: I could do an accent.
Leonard Hayes: No.
Joey: You know, Southern. [in a Jamaican accent] "I could go right now, mon!" Huh?
Leonard Hayes: My God in heaven.

Quote from Joey

Female Producer: Leonard, can we talk to you for a moment?
Leonard Hayes: Yes? You've got to be kidding. See, he can't act. Hey, I don't care if you think he's hot. You know, if you want to sleep with him, do it on your own time. This is a play. No, listen. If you insist on this I will call my agent so fast on a cell phone that has a connection that is so clear, he's gonna think I'm next door.
Joey: Hi, thank you so much for whispering for my benefit. Look, if you just tell me what I did wrong. I'd love to work on it and come back and try it again for you. [to the female producer] And also, how you doin'?

Quote from Joey

Leonard Hayes: Well, if you want to come back at the end of the day today here are my notes. Ready?
Joey: Yeah.
Leonard Hayes: You're in your head. You're thinking way too much.
Joey: I really doubt that.
Leonard Hayes: No, no. It's that you're not connected with anything in your body. There's no urgency. The scene is a struggle. It's a race. Also, what you did was horizontal. Don't be afraid to explore the vertical. And don't learn the words. Let the words learn you.
Joey: Couldn't I just sleep with the producer?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hey, do you want to go to dinner tonight?
Ross: I can't. I've got a date with that waitress, Katie. I know we've only gone out, like, twice, but I don't know, I have a good feeling about her.
Phoebe: Oh, I hear divorce bells.

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: I'm sorry. Ross, this is my old friend, Lowell, from the streets. Lowell, Ross.
Lowell: Ross, nice to meet you.
Ross: Yeah, a real pleasure.

Quote from Monica

Monica: How'd the audition go?
Joey: Well, they want to see me again this afternoon, but, boy, Leonard Hayes did not like me.
Monica: What happened?
Joey: He said I wasn't urgent enough, you know. And that everything I did was horizontal [Joey makes a vertical gesture], and I should be more vertical [Joey makes a horizontal gesture]. Oh, and he said that I should think less.
Monica: Well, so far so good.

Quote from Joey

Monica: What are they?
Chandler: They are these prototype sneakers and I need to come up with ideas on how to sell them. Which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever wear these.
Joey: I'll give you $500 for them.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: What am I supposed to do with these?
Monica: Come on, sneakers are easy. You wear sneakers all the time.
Chandler: Well, first of all, they're not called sneakers anymore. Apparently, they're called "kicks" or "skids." And I think I heard somebody say "slorps." Here, look, they've got wheels that pop out from the bottom so you can roll around because apparently walking is too much exercise. "Kids! Kids! Roll your way to childhood obesity!"

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Would you help me try to sell these?
Monica: Okay. Have you considered using a girl with huge knockers?
Chandler: I don't think that's the kind of thing they're looking for.
Joey: Hey, that would work on me. Why do you think I buy Mrs. Butterworth's?

Quote from Ross

Ross: Anyway, I was heading towards this bakery to pick up a couple of dozen linzer tortes for someone, when out of nowhere, this thug with a pipe jumps out and says: "Give me your money, punk!"
Phoebe: Oh, my God.
Ross: I know. And the worst part was, they took my backpack which had all the original artwork I had done for my own comic book, "Science Boy".
Monica: Oh, yeah. What was his super power again?
Ross: A super-human thirst for knowledge.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Okay, I think we have a problem here.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Well, back in my mugging days, you know, I worked St. Mark's Comics.
Monica: Yeah?
Phoebe: Well, a pipe was my weapon of choice and preteen, comic-book nerds were my meat.
Monica: So?
Phoebe: Well, there was this one kid who had a sticker on his backpack that said: -
Monica: "Geology rocks!"
Phoebe: "Geology rocks!"
Monica: Oh, my God.
Phoebe: I know. I mugged Ross!

Quote from Joey

Leonard Hayes: That was very good. You did everything I asked for.
Joey: I did?
Leonard Hayes: Yes. Plus which, you've got this, I don't know, this squirmy quality that you bring to the character I couldn't have even imagined. Wow. Hey, here's what we're gonna do: Come back tomorrow for the final callbacks with the backers. Do all of this, what you got going now, but you know what? More. More.
Leonard Hayes: Can you do that?
Joey: Sure. Sure. I don't have time to say thank you because I really gotta go!
Leonard Hayes: Look at that. Still in character. I like him. I plant seeds. I can't explain it.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: How was class?
Ross: No one ever asks me that. What's wrong?
Phoebe: Nothing. I really want to know.
Ross: Oh. Well, there was actually a rather lively discussion about the Pleistocene-
Phoebe: All right, nothing is worth this.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You start with a guy putting on the shoes. He's about my age.
Jordan: Your age?
Chandler: Uh-huh. So, he's rolling down the street and he starts to lose control. You know, maybe he falls. Maybe he hurts himself. Just then, a kid comes flying by wearing the shoes.
He jumps over the old guy and laughs. And the line reads: "Not suitable for adults."
Steve: Well, Chandler, that's great.
Chandler: Thank you, sir. Or, man who's two years younger than me.

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: I just really wanted to apologize again. And also show you something I think you'll find very exciting.
Ross: Oh, my God! "Crap from the street!"

Quote from Monica

Ross: Hey. Phoebe didn't by any chance mention that-
Monica: She was the huge guy that mugged you? Yeah.
Ross: I see. You didn't happen to tell-
Monica: Everybody we know? Yeah.
Ross: Great. Thanks.


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