Ross: But everything's going to be fine. I mean, my mom is going to be with her. She's great with kids.
Rachel: She is?
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: What about Monica?
Ross: Hey, you only hear Monica's side of that. Okay, that little fatso was a terror!

Rachel: Honey, this is for the best. This way, I'm not distracted, worrying about Emma, how she's doing at home, and I'm gonna be completely here with you. Oh, she spit up. She spit up.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Judy? She spit- Judy, look alive, Judy!

Ross: No, no. Really, you should go. Go out. Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up your heels. Paint the town red.
Rachel: You need to learn some new slang.

Joey: Waiter? All right, this is gonna go fast, so try to keep up. Risotto with shaved truffles and the rib steak with the golden chanterelles and the Bordelaise sauce unless any of that stuff I just said means ''snails.''
Waiter: It does not.

Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, I would make the reservation for five because one of us has to stay home with Emma. Which one of us should go to dinner?
Phoebe: Rachel!
Ross: Actually, I was thinking maybe both of us could go.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah.
Ross: Thanks. I'll put a lot of extra thought into your gift.

Chandler: All right, let's get started by taking a look at last quarter's figures. Uh, Claudia, aren't you supposed to blow smoke up the boss's ass?

Chandler: You're not allowed to smoke in this office though, right?
Claudia: Yes. In Oklahoma, it's legal to smoke in offices with 15 people or less. Would you like one?
Chandler: All right. I don't smoke any more. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it's fine. So you all smoke, then? You know, it's almost rude if I'm not smoking.
Ken: That's not true. If you don't wanna smoke--
Chandler: Ken, please!
Chandler: No, I can't smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.
Ken: I'm sorry. But isn't your wife back in New York?
Chandler: I've always like you, Ken.

Phoebe: Hey. Oh. Wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh, my God. Don't people know you're not allowed to smoke in public spaces?
Chandler: Actually, in Oklahoma, smoking is legal in all common areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.
Phoebe: Oh, you smoked.
Chandler: No. I just happen to know a lot of trivia about smoking in different states. For example in Hawaii, cigarettes are called lei-lana-lukus.

Phoebe: Oh, Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.
Chandler: Do you think Monica is going to be able to smell it?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? That woman has the nose of a bloodhound. And the breasts of a Greek goddess.

Ross: That was my mom. She's stuck in terrible traffic.
Rachel: Okay, well, that is now the third sign that I should not leave Emma.
Ross: What are the other two?
Rachel: Well, the first one is, I don't want to. And the second one, I'm not going.