TV Quotes

Charles: Hello, all.
Chandler: Hi Dad.
Monica: Hi, Mr. Bing.
Charles: Nora.
Nora: Charles.
Monica: It's so great to see you both here.
Charles: Yes. Although we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Nora: Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?
Chandler: Oh, my God.

Rachel: Well, we gotta go.
Ross: Where are you guys going?
Monica: We gotta pick up the wedding dress and then we're going to have lunch with Mom.
Ross: Joey, you're having lunch with my Mom?
Joey: No, I just heard "lunch", but yeah, I can go.

Ross: No, it's not that. Now, what I'm going to say to you, I'm not saying as your friend. Okay, I'm saying it as Monica's older brother.
Chandler: But you're still my friend?
Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler: During this time, are you still my best man?
Ross: No.
Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?
Ross: Okay. You guys are getting married tomorrow, and I couldn't be more thrilled for both of you. But as Monica's older brother, I have to tell you this: If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down and kick your ass.
[Chandler laughs]
Ross: What? I'm serious.
[Chandler laughs]
Ross: Hey, dude. Stop it. I'm not kidding here.
Chandler: Okay, I hear what you're saying and thanks for the warning.
Ross: No problem.
Chandler: So are we friends again?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay. You won't believe what Monica's older brother just said to me!

Ross: Wow, Monica. Just so you know, I had my older-brother talk with Chandler.
Monica: What is that?
Ross: Well, I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass.
[Monica, Phoebe and Rachel laugh]
Ross: What? What is the matter with everybody? I am serious. I would kick his ass!
Phoebe: [laughing] Ross, please, my makeup!

Ross: Mom? Dad? What are you guys doing here?
Jack Geller: Well, you guys talk about this place so much. We thought we'd see what the fuss is all about.
Judy Geller: I certainly see why the girls like coming here.
Ross: Why?
Gunther: The sexy blond behind the counter.
Ross: Gunther?
Jack Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.
Ross: What? Your list?
Judy Geller: Yes, the list of people we're allowed to sleep-
Ross: No, no. I know what the list is.

Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time we'll be here in the coffeehouse as six single people?
Phoebe: Why? What's happening to the coffeehouse? Oh. Okay.

Chandler: Yep. From now on, it's going to be the four of you guys and me and the missus. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
Monica: Old?
Chandler: The young, hot ball and chain.
Monica: Much better.

Ross: Actually, I'm kind of glad they're leaving because I need to talk to you about something.
Chandler: What's up?
Ross: Well, this may be a little awkward.
Chandler: Listen, if you need to borrow money, it's kind of a bad time. I'm buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.

Rachel: What are you doing, Mon?
Monica: I'm making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. That way I can be prepared.
Phoebe: What are they?
Monica: Well, so far I have: My bridesmaids' dresses won't get picked up, My veil gets lost, or I'm missing my something blue.
Rachel: Hey, those are all the things I'm responsible for.
Monica: I had to go with the odds, Rach.

Joey: Hey, you guys. Remember that audition I had a while ago and I didn't get the part?
Rachel: The commercial?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: That play?
Joey: No.
Monica: That other play?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: The movie?
Joey: Yes.
Rachel: The one about the pilot and his dog who flies planes?
Joey: No. But man, that one hurt.

Joey: I'm off to fight the Nazis.
Rachel: Wait, Joey. We fought the Nazis in WWII, not WWI.
Joey: Whoa. Okay. Well ,who was in WWI?
Rachel: Ahem.
Phoebe: Go ahead.
Rachel: You're gonna be late. Go, go!

Monica: Who did we fight in WWI?
Rachel: Mexico?
Phoebe: Yes. Very good.

Nora: Chandler.
Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing ... something.
Nora: Oh, honey, this is so exciting. I thought we'd screwed you up so bad this day would never come.

Monica: Mrs. Bing? These are my parents, Judy and Jack Geller.
Judy Geller: It's lovely to meet you.
Jack Geller: So, are you his mother or father?
Judy Geller: Jack!
Jack Geller: What? I've never seen one before.
Monica: Dad, there's Ross. Why don't you go talk to him?
Jack Geller: I didn't even have a chance to act as though I'm okay with it.

Monica: Rach, Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Monica: Hey, could you do me a favor and talk to Chandler's dad and try to keep him away from Chandler's mom.
Rachel: Yeah. but I don't know what he looks like.
Monica: He is the man in the black dress.
Rachel: Man in the black dress.
Rachel: Hi. I'm Rachel, a friend of Monica and Chandler's.
Amanda: I'm Amanda.
Rachel: Oh, I get it. "A man, duh!"

Ross: Could I have your attention please? I'm Ross Geller.
Jack Geller: Dr. Ross Geller.
Ross: Dad, please. As I was saying, I'm Dr. Ross Geller. And I'm the best man. And this marriage is doubly special for me because not only is the groom my best friend but the bride is my little sister. And she's the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you'd all please join me in raising a glass to the couple we're here to celebrate. To the Bings.

Ross: Nice shades.
Joey: Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes then at least I won't get spit in my eyes.
Ross: And, if I remember correctly, Ray-Ban was the official sponsor of WWI.
Joey: Great!

Ross: I think Chandler's gone.
Rachel: What?
Ross: He left that. "Tell Monica I'm sorry." Oh, my God.
Phoebe: What's up? [reading] "Tell Monica I'm sorry." Tell her yourself.

Rachel: Maybe it's not what we think. Maybe it's "Tell Monica I'm sorry I drank the last of the milk."
Phoebe: Or maybe he was writing to tell her that he's changed his name, you know. "Tell Monica, I'm Sorry."
Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left.
Phoebe: Don't be so negative. Good God, isn't it possible that "Sorry" is sitting in there right now?

Ross: I'm just gonna have to go find him and bring him back. Okay, you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?
Phoebe: Okay. But, if you don't find him and bring him back I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!

Ross: Gunther, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: No, I haven't seen him.
Ross: Damn.
Gunther: He's getting married tomorrow, right?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Don't worry. Everything's fine. We'll see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Gunther: I wasn't invited.
Ross: Well, then we'll see you the day after tomorrow.

Ross: Dad, I can't. I'm sorry. If you see Chandler, could you just tell him I'm looking for him.
Jack Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I'm looking for her.

Rachel: Ross says there's still no word from Chandler.
Phoebe: Oh, man.
Rachel: But he did say they found the grandmother wandering down Fifth Avenue.

Monica: I'm getting married today. I think I just cracked a rib, but I don't care because today is my wedding day. My day is finally here.
Phoebe: You know, she might not even notice he's gone.

Phoebe: Oh, my God.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it's positive. Monica's pregnant. So I guess she won't be totally alone.

Monica: Hey, can we just take a minute and talk about the man that I'm gonna marry tomorrow? I mean, how lucky am I?
Rachel: That's a good question.
Monica: I just hope that some day you guys find someone like Chandler!
Phoebe: I hope we find someone exactly like Chandler, and soon.