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‘The One with Joey's Dirty Day’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Joey's Dirty Day

414. The One with Joey's Dirty Day

Aired February 5, 1998

With Chandler's best friend Joey away on a fishing trip, the girls try to help him over his break-up from Kathy. Meanwhile, Rachel turns to Ross to entertain her boss's niece when a chance to spend the evening with Joshua opens up, and a maloderous Joey returns from his fishing trip in desperate need of a shower, which he finds in Charlton Heston's dressing room.

Quote from Joey

Joey: No, wait. You don't understand. I'm an actor. Joey Tribbiani. I'm doing a scene with you today. And I stink!
Charlton Heston: You're in this picture?
Joey: Yeah, I'm one of the cops who won't work with you because you're a loose cannon. Anyway, look, I'm really sorry. But I stink.
Charlton Heston: Joey, right?
Joey: Yeah.
Charlton Heston: Every actor, one time or another- Every actor thinks he stinks. Even Laurence Olivier sometimes thought he stank. Bob Redford won't even watch himself.
Joey: No, no, no. You don't understand.
Charlton Heston: Listen to me.
Joey: Oh, yeah.
Charlton Heston: I don't know one actor worth his salt who, one time in his career, didn't say, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there. First take, I stunk the place up.
But the important thing, and you must remember, no matter how badly you think you stink you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?
Joey: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'm very sorry.
Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants.
Joey: Yeah.

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Quote from Ross

Rachel: Emily. I'm Rachel Green.
Emily: Thank goodness.
Rachel: There's been a teeny, teeny change of plans. It turns out I'm not free tonight, so-
Emily: Really? Well, that's just lovely. Isn't it? I must've missed your call, even though I didn't leave the flat all day.
Rachel: Well, l-
Emily: No, no, no. That's not rude. It's perfectly in keeping with the trip where I've been run down by one of your wiener carts and been strip-searched at the airport. Apparently, to you people I look like someone who's a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.
Monica: I think you look great.
Emily: Good night. It was very nice to meet you.
Rachel: I'll get her.
Ross: Please, hurry.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Don't you just love the way they talk? "Ooh, oh."

Quote from Rachel

Monica: How did it go last night?
Rachel: Well, I didn't see Joshua. But I did punch a girl in the face.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Rachel: Well, the whole night was horrible. It was pouring down with rain. And when I got there there was no Rachel Green on the list. But there was a Rachel Greep.
Phoebe: Wow. So did you get to meet her?
Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep. But then this other girl overheard us. And she was all, "I'm Rachel Greep! I'm Rachel Greep!" And he let her right in.
Monica: So you hit her in the face?
Rachel: No, she was already in. But then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: All I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua so he could go ahead and start falling in love with me.
Phoebe: Aww, Pheebs.
Rachel: Honey, that's your name.
Phoebe: That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's just what we called each other.

Quote from Joey

Charlton Heston: Hello. Who's in there?
Joey: How you doing?
Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you?
Joey: I guess you wouldn't believe me if I said I was Kirk Douglas, huh?
Charlton Heston: Put some pants on, kid, so I can kick your butt.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: They're in Vermont? How did this happen?
Chandler: Ow!
Rachel: How'd he end up in Vermont with that awful witch?
Chandler: Maybe she doesn't hit him all the time.

Quote from Chandler

[Chandler's fantasy]
Guy from the strip club: Hi, I'm Joshua. I'm here to pick up Rachel.
Rachel: No, no, no. That's not Joshua.
Chandler: What do you want from me? I never met the guy.

Quote from Joey

Joey: You know what's going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my Dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff, I can say, "I'm doing a movie with Charlton Heston, Dad. What are you doing with your life?"

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you. Well, except you.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Come on, man. Just take the sweats off, okay? Take them off and we'll have some fun.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Did you catch any fish?
Joey: Oh, my God. You guys have no idea.
Monica: Wow. You stink!
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus, I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Oh, she's looking down the hall. [gasps] She looked right at me. Oh, wait. You can't see people through that hole, can you? Helloo.
Emily: Hello?
Monica: Ahh!

Quote from Rachel

Phoebe: What's he saying?
Monica: He's with Emily at a bed and breakfast in Vermont.
Phoebe: What? Oh, my God!
Rachel: Wait, who the hell is Emily? No!

Quote from Monica

Monica: He had to go. There was a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? You can't just go back a phase.
Chandler: Yes, you can. You're thinking about time. You can't go back in time.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Come on, let us be guys. Maybe we want to be guys.
Chandler: No, you don't. You'd be all hairy and wouldn't live as long.

Quote from Joey

Joey: It's Heston.
Stage Manager: What?
Joey: The man reeks. Smells like he went on a three-day fishing trip and then ate some licorice.

Quote from Joey

Stage Manager: There's no way he smells. He's the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.
Joey: Really? A shower? And, uh, which room might that be?
Stage Manager: The one with "Heston" on it.
Joey: Interesting.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: No. No, that. You have to put that out because I'm pregnant.
Guy: Well, maybe you and your baby ought to go to another strip club.
Phoebe: Huh-huh. It's not my baby. Huh-huh.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: You know what? I'm just going to go home and call Kathy.
Phoebe: Well, if you think it'll help.
Chandler: No. That was a test. In a few hours, I'm going to get really drunk and I'll want to call Kathy and you guys are going to have to stop me. Then after that I'll be so drunk, I'm going to want to call Janice.
Phoebe: You should. How is she?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I can't believe it. He still hasn't called.
Phoebe: Who, Josh?
Rachel: It's Joshua.
Monica: What? He doesn't like "Josh"?
Rachel: No, I don't.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.

Quote from Ross

Emily: Ross, come quickly. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Ross: I gotta go. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!


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