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‘The One After 'I Do'’ Quotes

Friends: The One After 'I Do'

801. The One After 'I Do'

Aired September 27, 2001

Monica and Chandler's wedding reception threatens to be upstaged by the news that someone's pregnant. After learning that the pregnancy test didn't belong to Monica, Phoebe covers for Rachel by saying she's pregnant. Meanwhile, Joey tries to impress a Broadway director and Ross meets an attractive woman at the reception. 

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: And I didn't want to say anything because it's your day. I didn't want to steal your thunder.
Monica: Wait a minute. So you told people I was pregnant? [to photographer] Does this look like a conversation I want to remember?

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Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hey, Mon, why did you tell the guys you're not pregnant?
Monica: Because I'm not.
Phoebe: We found your test in the trash. If you're not pregnant ... it's because I am.
Chandler: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: Yes, I am with child.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: Who's the father?
Phoebe: I can't say.
Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: I can't say because he's famous.
Rachel: Oh, my God, who is it?
Monica: Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us.
Phoebe: Okay. It's James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby.
Chandler: As in Barbra Streisand's husband, James Brolin?
Phoebe: What? Well, he never said that to me.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Well, I just got off the phone with my lover, James Brolin.
Monica: Oh, really?
Phoebe: Yes. And apparently he is married to some singer. But he said he would leave her for me. So I said, "James. James Brolin, are you sure?" And James Brolin said-
Monica: Rachel's really the one who's pregnant?
Phoebe: What? ... Why bother?

Quote from Jack Geller

Monica: Just try not to move your feet at all.
Chandler: Oh.
Monica: There you go.
Jack Geller: Chandler, I'm gonna have you arrested.
Chandler: Why?
Jack Geller: You stole my moves!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Oh, wait. You know what? I can't look at it. I can't look at it. Somebody else tell me.
Phoebe: It's negative.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: It's negative.
Rachel: Oh. Well, there you go. Phew. That's great. That is really great news. You know, because the whole not being ready, the financial aspects, all that- Well, this is so just the way it was supposed to be.
Monica: Well then, great.
Rachel: God. This is so stupid. How can I be upset over something I never had? It's negative?
Phoebe: No, it's positive.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: It's not negative, it's positive.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, yeah, I lied before. Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel: Oh, that's a risky little game.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I'd like to propose a toast to Monica and Chandler, the greatest couple in the world, and my best friends. Now, when I first found out they were getting married, I was a little angry. I was like, "Why, God? Why? How could you take them away from me?!" But then I thought back over all our memories together. Some happy memories. [laughs] And there were some sad memories. [whimpers] I'm sorry. And some scared memories. Whoa! And then I realized I'll always be their friend. Their friend who can speak in many dialects, and has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. Oh, to the happy couple.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Are you ready to talk about it?
Rachel: No.
Phoebe: Now?
Rachel: No!
Phoebe: Okay, we'll talk about something else. Who's the father?
Rachel: Look, honey, I haven't told him yet, so until I do I don't think I should tell anybody else.
Phoebe: Yeah. That's fine. That's fair. Is it Tag?
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'll stop. Is it Ross? It's Ross isn't it? Oh, my God, it's Joey!
Rachel: Stop it, okay. I'm not going to tell you until I tell him.
Phoebe: Aha. At least we know it's a him.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Okay, I know I'm not supposed to know, but I do and I'm so excited for you.
Joey: What's going on?
Ross: Monica's pregnant.
Joey: My God, Is that why you guys had to get married?
Monica: Guys, I'm not pregnant.
Joey: Ah, slow swimmers?

Quote from Ross

Ross: What? What do you mean? You're not pregnant?
Monica: You didn't tell anybody I was, did you?
Ross: No. I'll be right back.

Quote from Monica

Photographer: Now, why don't we get a shot of Monica and the bloody soldier.
Monica: Oh, about that, Joey you have to change before the party.
Joey: I can't. I don't have any other clothes here.
Monica: Find some. Please. Anything that doesn't say, "I died tragically in France."

Quote from Chandler

Photographer: Monica, if you could step away. We'll get Chandler and the bridesmaids.
Phoebe: How about just the bridesmaids?
Chandler: You know, I am the groom, right? I was told it was kind of a big deal.
Phoebe: It is.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Thank you for doing that. I just can't deal with this just quite yet.
Phoebe: So instead you told me Monica was pregnant?
Rachel: You said that she was, I just didn't disagree with you.
Phoebe: Sneaky.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: By the way, James Brolin?
Phoebe: Oh, I know. I could only think of two names: Him and Ed Begley Jr. And then I remembered he's gay, so-
Rachel: Ed Begley Jr. is not gay.
Phoebe: Really?

Quote from Monica

Monica: Oh, sweet Lord.
Joey: I'm sorry, okay? I went down to the gift shop and it was either this or a bathrobe. Look, what's more important? The way I'm dressed or me being here with you on your special day?
Monica: Honey, I'm not even going to pretend I was listening.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: What size shoes do you wear?
Joey: Uh, eleven. Eleven and a half.
Chandler: Great. My shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor. Can I borrow the boots from your costume?
Joey: I don't really even know where I left them, so-
Chandler: Those aren't eleven and a half.
Joey: Okay, fine, I'm a 7! All right, I have surprisingly small feet. But the rest of me is good. I'll show you!

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Well, I talked to her and she's definitely going to have the baby. She's gonna raise it on her own.
Rachel: Well, maybe that's really brave.
Monica: Maybe. I just hope she realizes how hard it's gonna be.
Rachel: Maybe she hasn't really thought it through that much.
Monica: Well, there's a lot to think about. I mean, how is she gonna handle this financially? How's she gonna juggle work? Does she realize she's not gonna have a date again for the next, like, 18 years?
Rachel: [sobbing] I don't know.
Monica: Are you okay?
Rachel: Uh-huh. I'm just thinking about Phoebe. Poor, knocked-up Phoebe.

Quote from Rachel

Waiter: Champagne?
Rachel: Oh, yes. Thank you very much. [Rachel takes a sip, then spits it back into her glass] That's actually how the French drink it.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Who's the father?
Phoebe: Oh, no. She won't tell us.
Monica: Come on! It's my wedding. That could be my present.
Rachel: Hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick.
Phoebe: See, this is why you register.

Quote from Joey

Joey: So, did you happen to catch my toast?
Dennis: Oh, my God. That was for my benefit?
Joey: Well, I like to think there was something for everyone. Look, I know you're casting for this new show.
Dennis: Look, Joey, I don't think you're quite right for this project.
Joey: See, that's where you're wrong. Whatever it is, I can do it. And if you didn't see it up there, just try me.
Dennis: It's an all-Chinese cast. Can you be Chinese?
Joey: Well, I'm not proud of this, but-
Dennis: Oh, my God. No, no, no. Please don't.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Are you really gonna do this?
Rachel: Yeah. I'm gonna have a baby. I'm gonna have a baby. I'm gonna have a baby!
Phoebe: With who?
Rachel: No, it's still not the time.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I just didn't see the fast song coming.
Joey: Ssh. Don't try to talk. We'll get you up to your room. We'll soak your feet. You'll be okay.
Ross: Thank you.
Mona: That is so sweet! No, I mean it. There's so few genuinely nice guys out there.
Joey: Tell me about it. I feel like I'm holding down the fort all by myself.
Mona: It's Joey, right?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Wait a minute! No! I'm the nice one. I'm the one who danced with the kids all night. How small are your feet?!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Chandler. Will you see if your mom can give my resume to Dennis Phillips? Because if I could get on a Broadway show, I would've done it all: Film, television and theater. The only thing left would be radio, but that's just for ugly people.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Was it perfect? Is it too soon to see the video?
Phoebe: But, you guys, can we just take a moment? Our two best friends just got married. We are so blessed, to be able to share in this incredible joy.
Joey: That is so true. Mon, is it too late to switch from chicken to steak?

Quote from Ross

Ross: I'm so happy for you guys. And you are both so lucky. I mean, you both said the right names. And nobody was drunk. Nobody was gay. And on your first try.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Mona. What a beautiful name.
Mona: You think so? Because I always kind of hated it.
Ross: Come on. Mona Lisa? Mona Klegglachen? The famous botanist. Huh? Oh, no, she's- Well, she's dead now. But supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world.
Mona: Really?
Ross: Yeah.
Mona: Well, see, I never knew about her.
Ross: Linda Klegglachen.


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