Niles: It was Maris.
Frasier: Maris?!
Niles: I haven't spoken to her for months. She says she needs to see me.
Frasier: About what?
Niles: I don't know. She was hysterical. I haven't heard her this panicked since her strength gave out halfway through a revolving door.

Frasier: So, Niles, what did you tell her?
Niles: Well, I told her to leave him. And if he causes trouble, get a restraining order. She's very upset by the whole thing. Poor thing completely lost her appetite, barely touched her snail.

Niles: I was just telling Daphne that I had lunch with you at the dog track.
Martin: Right.
Niles: After the ear doctor.
Martin: Right. And how about that flat tire on the freeway? Niles helped me change it.
Daphne: All right, now I know you're lying.

Frasier: My, that's certainly an ambitious first day.
Frasier: Yes, well, I really want to pack in all I can. That's why I took the day off from my radio show.
Niles: Well, happy sailing through the choppy waters of the dysfunctional and the disturbed.
Daphne: [returning] Optional eyebrow wax? What is that supposed to mean?!
Frasier: [to Niles] Same to you, skipper.

Peggy: Dr. Crane? I'm Peggy. I hope I'm not late.
Frasier: Not at all, won't you come in? I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Please, be seated. First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
Peggy: You know I'm just the temp?
Frasier: Ah. Well, I see my first patient is here, if you could just see her in. Thank you.

[As Niles tries to walk straight into Frasier's office]
Peggy: Sir. Sir!
Frasier: That's all right, Peggy.
Niles: Goodness. Done with your ten o'clock already?
Frasier: That was my eleven.

Roz: Wow, Frasier, you're really stuffing your pie-hole.
Frasier: Look, I've had a very tough day. I'm entitled to a little comfort food before my evening appointment. [stomach growls]
Roz: That was pretty.
Martin: Let me give you a tip, son. Tough nights on the force, I used to eat like that. Trouble was, I'd be sitting in the squad car all night, pants digging in, stomach making unholy noises. There's only one thing that helps, loosen your belt and pop the top button.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad, for schooling me in the ancient ways.

Frasier: It's important that you feel free to express yourself to me. Please, go on.
Jane: All right. It became, like, this running joke between me and my sister. She called me "Milady" and I called her "Milady". Aand my mother started doing it, and now my aunt has a cat named "Milady".
Frasier: This isn't going to work, is it?
Jane: No, I don't think so.
Frasier: Okay.

Niles: And that's why I got you this present.
Daphne: Belle de Jour Day Spa?
Niles: Yes, it's for this afternoon. I think you need a little pampering.
Daphne: [overjoyed] Oh, Niles. I'm so lucky to have a husband who's so tolerant of my...
Niles: Mood swings?
Daphne: [bitterly] I would have come up with it, I'm not stupid!

Peggy: If you're done, Dr. C, your next patient is here.
Frasier: Already?
Alex: Yeah, that's me. I find it's best to be no later than a half hour early. Saves a lot of anxiety.
Frasier: First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
Alex: No, this won't work. [exiting] Thanks. Bye.