Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good Lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Frasier: So, Niles, what did you tell her?
Niles: Well, I told her to leave him. And if he causes trouble, get a restraining order. She's very upset by the whole thing. Poor thing completely lost her appetite, barely touched her snail.

Niles: I was just telling Daphne that I had lunch with you at the dog track.
Martin: Right.
Niles: After the ear doctor.
Martin: Right. And how about that flat tire on the freeway? Niles helped me change it.
Daphne: All right, now I know you're lying.

Frasier: My, that's certainly an ambitious first day.
Frasier: Yes, well, I really want to pack in all I can. That's why I took the day off from my radio show.
Niles: Well, happy sailing through the choppy waters of the dysfunctional and the disturbed.
Daphne: [returning] Optional eyebrow wax? What is that supposed to mean?!
Frasier: [to Niles] Same to you, skipper.