Gil: I'll take it. After all, Nigel does have that divine speech in the second act about his boyhood in Surrey. "Romping with his school chums in the fens and spinneys, when the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lambent flame." Actually, I had rather a long peek at the script.

Frasier: By this time, I was more baffled than ever. So I played a hunch. Hans, may I see your fingernails?
Niles: [German:] Why?
Frasier: They seem a bit ragged for a butler!
Niles: [German:] All right, all right. I'm not what I appear. None of us is. I'm not a butler, I'm not even... [turns page]
German? [normal accent:] Sit down, inspector, you are about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you. When we've finished, you will know the full dark secret of "Nightmare Inn"!
Roz: [garbled] Are you sure we should, Hans?
[Frasier starts to direct Niles, distracting him]
Niles: Be quiet, mother. Mother and I moved here when I was a small boy after the... tragic death of my father...I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a serpent coiled within a damp... cave... [drops script]
Okay, that's it! Never mind all that, I'm just going to take this gun off the table. Sorry about that, O'Toole, I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle. [two shots] Or yours, Kragen and Peppo. Could the McAllister sisters stand back-to-back, I'm short on bullets. [shot] Thank you! What was your name again, dear?
Roz: [garbled] Miss Thorndyke.
Niles: Thank you. [shot] Ah, and also Mr. Wing. [shot, followed by Noel shaking the bell] And of course, one final bullet for myself so the mystery will die with me. [shot] Ha!

Frasier: In all my years at the Yard, I doubt I'd ever seen a fouler night than that on which I was called out to investigate a double murder at the old inn on the moors. The door was answered by Miss Carlotta Thorndyke. Her face was unfamiliar and when she opened her lips I caught a hint of some exotic accent.
Roz: [with a painful, numb mouth] Inspector-- Ow. Thank God you've come.
Frasier: This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndyke.
Roz: [with a painful, numb mouth] I can't believe any of my guests could be a multiple murderer.
Frasier: That's easy for you to say.

Frasier: Now, I've only got a moment. I've taken on a very exciting project.
Niles: Oh really?
Frasier: Yes, you know, this is KACL's fiftieth anniversary. I did a little research and found out they used to specialize in live radio dramas. So, I'm putting one on. Dad, surely you must remember those?
Martin: Oh, sure.
Frasier: Yes, people of dad's generation would sit around at night, listening to the radio absolutely mesmerized.
Martin: We were a simple people.

Frasier: Please introduce me to your guests.
Roz: This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wang.
Bulldog: [laughs]
Frasier: Stop the watch. What's your problem?
Bulldog: Wang? You've gotta give me another name, I'll crack up every time I hear that.
Frasier: All right, all right. How about Wing? All right, that's a great old Chinese name. Everybody change Wang to Wing in your scripts.
Daphne: Sound of people changing Wangs to Wings.

Frasier: Nightmare Inn, Act Two. I was baffled. They all had alibis. Suddenly, Miss Thorndike pointed, her eyes wide with alarm.
Roz: There's someone outside the window.
Frasier: Why yes, Miss Thorndike, it appears to be... [calliope music plays] ... the ice-cream truck! But never mind that, suddenly the storm put the lights out. And we were left with darkness. Then a scream.
Maxine: [screams] Look out! He's got a nug!
Frasier: A gun! A gun is what he's got.

Frasier: Anyway, I've spoken to the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes, to re-create the very first mystery KACL ever aired. "Nightmare Inn."
Martin: Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everyone's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.
Frasier: Exactly, and I'm going to direct.
Niles: So, we can stop wondering.

Martin: What, don't you think your brother knows how to direct?
Niles: No, the trouble is he doesn't know how to stop directing. During our prep school production of "Richard III" he drove the entire cast crazy with his constant critiquing. I seem to recall a delay on the opening night while our Richard chased Frasier around the dressing room, beating him with his hump.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, that was simply a little backstage horseplay to relieve tension.
Niles: You have an Orson Welles complex. By the end of this week, you'll not only be directing, you'll have re-written the script and be playing the lead.

Gil: Oh, Frasier, I've had a quick peek at your script and I think I'd be perfect as "Bull" Kragen, the brutish gamekeeper.
Frasier: You know, Gil, I think that's just a bit too on the nose. But you know who you could play? Mr. Nigel Fairservice, drummed out of the Royal Air Force under mysterious circumstances.
Roz: With him playing it, they might not seem so mysterious.

Frasier: Well, OK, but you've got to agree to play a part too. We still need someone for the sinister silk merchant.
Bulldog: Okay, it's a deal. Maxine is going to be so excited. I gotta remember to pick her up one of those cute French maid outfits on my way home from work.
Frasier: It's radio, Bulldog. She doesn't have to appear in costume.
Bulldog: Maybe here she doesn't.