Roz: Well, we're getting there.
Frasier: Except for the lead. I haven't found anyone remotely qualified to play a wily old Scotland Yard inspector. You know, you might be right, Roz, I might have to bite the bullet and take on the part myself.
[A well-dressed, grey-haired, mustachioed British man, smoking a pipe, stops Frasier in the corridor]
Ian: Excuse me, Dr. Crane, is it too ate to read for role of the inspector?
Frasier: I'm afraid the part has already been cast.

Frasier: Bulldog, where's Maxine?
Bulldog: Oh, she's home with food poisoning. It's nothing serious. I think she just wrestled in some bad Jell-O.

Gil: Frasier, one of Nigel's lines seems to be missing.
Frasier: Why, yes, I had to cut the play by twenty minutes.
Gil: Oh, yes, yes. But that line so neatly defined Nigel's character.
Frasier: Saying "Gesundheit" after the butler sneezes?
Gil: It shows he's a caring person.
Frasier: It's cut, Gil. Learn to let go.
Gil: Oh very well. As long as I still have that delicious speech about my boyhood in Surrey.
Frasier: Yes, that's still in.
Gil: "Romping with my school chums in the fens and spinneys..."
Frasier: Yes, yes, that one. Thank you.

Roz: This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wing.
Frasier: Do you see anything suspicious, Wing?
Bulldog: [in an outrageous "Chinese" accent] Oh, me no lookee. Me go beddy-bye, chop-chop.
Roz: Stop! Chinese embassy on line one. You can't say that.

Gil: I'm Nigel Fairservice, inspector. I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tragedy occurred.
Frasier: Did anyone see you?
Gil: Several people. Hans, the German butler.
Mel: [German accent] Ja, I saw him.
Frasier: Stop! [to Mel:] That's wonderful, Mel. But he sounds to me just a bit more Austrian than German.
Mel: I've done that accent both on Broadway and the London stage.
Frasier: Yes, well perhaps they have different standards than I have.

Gil: I'm Nigel Fairservice, Inspector. I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tragedy occurred.
Frasier: Did anyone see you?
Gil: Several people. Hans, the German butler.
Niles: [Frasier cues him, he speaks in a German accent:] Ja, I saw the gentleman.
Gil: O'Toole, the gardener.
Niles: [Frasier cues him, he speaks in an Irish accent:] Aye, 'twas himself and no mistake.
Gil: As well as Prudence McAllister.
Niles: [Frasier cues him, he speaks like a dowager:] Yes, I was taking a breath of air.

Frasier: I tried to shake Nigel's alibi, but each witness was adamant. O'Toole!
Niles: [Irish:] Faith, and it's true!
Frasier: Hans!
Niles: [German:] Jawohl.
Frasier: Miss McAllister!
Niles: [dowager:] Oh, mercy, yes.
Frasier: There remained one suspect, whose whereabouts had not yet been established. Peppo the dwarf, a retired circus performer. Exactly where were you when the murders occurred, Peppo?
[Frasier walks over to Niles, takes a balloon off a tank and gives it to him. Niles draws in air from the balloon]
Frasier: Peppo, where were you?
Niles: [high voice:] I was at the movies.

Frasier: When the lights came back up, a smoking gun lay on the table. The maid lay dead, unable to name her killer and Nigel Fairservice lay mortally wounded.
Gil: I'm dying!
Frasier: Poor man was gone.
Gil: Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey, romping with my school chums in the fens and spinneys...
Frasier: Just then the lights went out again. [gun sound] Nigel Fairservice was shot again.
Gil: Only grazed me. When the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lambent...
Frasier: [gun sound] The final bullet... blew his head clean off his shoulders. All right people, let's try to keep calm although it's hard when the killer is among us.
Gil: Hi-ho, I'm Nigel's brother, Cedric. I haven't seen him since our boyhood when we romped-
Frasier: [gun sound] And so died the last surviving member of the Fairservice family.

Frasier: Well then, that pretty much wrapped things up. Hans was a mass murderer, to the surprise of everyone. Case was closed. And with a grateful shudder, I swore I never would return to Nightmare Inn!
[Organ music plays to close the show, but the producer indicates there's time left and signals for Frasier to stretch it out]
Frasier: Well, we still have nine minutes remaining. Perhaps we could have a little post-play discussion?
[All the actors turn away from Frasier]

Frasier: I have no intention of performing in it myself. The only re-writing I've done is simply cutting to get it down to thirty minutes.
Martin: "Frasier Crane's Nightmare Inn."
Frasier: It's just a working title.