Daphne: What's this?
Frasier: I'm devising the ultimate prank to get my revenge on Bulldog.
Niles: Ah, well just beware the dangers of juvenile one-upsmanship. Only last night, Mrs. Moon challenged a trick-or-treater, and he responded by pelting our door with eggs.
Gertrude: Yeah, but I got the little monster back, by putting a big, greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob!
Niles: You said you'd put an end to it.
Gertrude: Hence the Vaseline.
Daphne: Mum, he's a child.
Gertrude: Well, it's time he learned you don't mess with Gertrude Moon without incurring my wrath. Now, excuse me, I require cocoa.

[Entering the apartment with the pedals and crank of a bicycle]
Gertrude: Oh, let's see the little sod get to school without these. Oh, this should settle it.

Donald: Jason, have you been fighting with this woman?
Jason: Well, she broke my bike and made me have to see a counselor at school.
Gertrude: I think I left something in the kitchen.
Daphne: Stay!
Gertrude: I am an adult. I can do anything I want. [stamps her foot]

Niles: While you're living under our roof, you'll follow our rules.
Daphne: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. What if someone got hurt?
Jason: Good.
Beverly: Jason! You are one step away from losing your broadband connection. Now apologize and shake hands.
Gertrude: [putting her arms on her hips] Pish.
Niles: What if I told you you couldn't smoke your pipes in your room anymore?
Gertrude: [mumbling] I'm sorry.

Jason: I wish I was all grown-up, and I wouldn't have to follow their stupid rules.
Gertrude: Oh, nothing changes, trust me.
Jason: You know, my mom hates bugs. She screams like a girl.
Gertrude: So does my son-in-law!
Jason: I know where we can find some crickets.
Gertrude: No! Now, we should do as we're told, and start cleaning up.
Jason: Okay.
Gertrude: That way they won't be expecting it.

Daphne: I don't think that's it, Mum. I just think he's scared and I understand that. But how long are we going to go on like this?
Gertrude: Until you stop babying him.
Daphne: I'm not babying him. I'm just giving him the time he needs.
Gertrude: Oh, piffle. What he needs is a swift kick in the bum. Look, you've got to seduce him. Use your feminine wiles. That's how your brother Billy landed Kevin.
Daphne: Well, sharing a cell helped.

Daphne: Thanks for the advice, Mum.
Gertrude: My pleasure, love. Oh, and since you and Niles will be in the guest room, I'll sleep in your room tonight. No sense in letting that king-sized bed go to waste.
Daphne: This time, use a coaster when you take your teeth out.

Gertrude: [screaming] I'm sorry. I thought you were on the wrong side of the road. I will never get used to the crazy way you drive over here.
Daphne: Mum, you have to stop doing that.

Daphne: [on the car phone to Niles] I thought I'd never reach you. We were booted from the park and are coming home. It seems someone put out a cigarette on a stuffed moose.
Gertrude: I didn't know it was stuffed. I was defending myself.

Daphne: Where's the video? I thought you were going to rent "Castaway".
Gertrude: If I wanted to watch someone talk to a volleyball for two hours, I would have stayed in Manchester with your Aunt Evelyn.