Gertrude: Oh, you're here to see Marty?
Cora: Actually, I think not.
Gertrude: Look, no. This isn't what it looks like. I'm here to apologize. But since he's not talking to me, I guess I can say me piece to you. Now, first of all, don't be scared. I'm not a secret agent and I don't have a license to kill. Back when I said all that to you, I wasn't really in me right mind, anyway. I mean, I'd just separated from me husband and well, maybe I hoped Marty would be some kind of knight in shining armor. But we were never a couple, though.
Cora: It was a pretty rotten thing you did.
Gertrude: Yes, I know, dear. Just awful. But in me defense, I've done much worse. And besides, between you and the girl at the bookstore, I liked you better.

Gertrude: Can I help you?
Daphne: Mum, what are you doing here?
Gertrude: Just following orders. Working myself ill, so I can contribute to Her Highness's household coffers.
Niles: I'm sure Daphne only meant to suggest that perhaps you might help out a little bit more at home.
Gertrude: "Contribute" is the word she shouted down from her high horse. But I'll be glad to "help out" with the wages I earn serving strangers with my arthritic hands. Now, how may I provide you with excellent service?
Niles: Well, uh, what would you recommend?
Gertrude: Not having children.

Gertrude: If you're not going to order, I'll have to ask you to leave this establishment.
Martin: Gert! You working here?
Gertrude: At Daphne's insistence. The blood is pooling in my feet, but at least I'm contributing to the palace's upkeep. Say, maybe I could sell some of that blood, and give my daughter her cut. Is that a good idea, Daphne? Should I sell my blood for you?
Daphne: No, Mum, you can keep your blood.
Gertrude: Did you hear that everyone? My daughter's letting me keep my blood!

Gertrude: Here ya go. I couldn't remember if you wanted it black or not, so I brought it both ways.
Frasier: Well, that's very thoughtful of you. Thank you. [Hands back the unwanted cup]
Gertrude: No, you might as well keep it. You're paying for both.

Gertrude: Niles, be a dear and get me a pillow for my head. And I wouldn't get too settled in. You'll need to take me home soon so I can take my medicine.
Niles: I thought I suggested you bring that with you.
Gertrude: Daphne, dear, aren't you lucky to be dating a man who's always right?

Gertrude: An empty can? I would have thought, with all your fancy dingle-dangles, you'd have something nicer for your guests who smoke.
Frasier: Well, customarily, my guests who smoke do so on the balcony.
Gertrude: This is lovely, thank you.

Gertrude: Where have you been?
Courier: I'm sorry, I had a hard time finding this place. I checked the directory for "Crane," but it had "Old Bat" next to this apartment number.
Gertrude: [to herself] A little obvious, but not bad.
Gertrude: I want you to deliver this "Baby-I-Have-To-Tinkle" doll to Jason White, Floyd Middle School. This is the address. I mean, he should be in gym class about now.
Courier: I don't think I'm allowed to just walk into his school, ma'am.
Gertrude: No, it's okay. I'm his grandmother. And you have to say this.
Courier: "Your mommy said, bring this to you at school to lift your spirits. See? Your dolly has accidents, too." You really want me to say that?
Gertrude: Yes, and very loudly. The poor thing's hard-of-hearing.

Niles: Where did this come from?
Gertrude: Oh, you must have crossed someone.
Daphne: Mother...
Donald: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. We were just coming down the hall, and we saw you open your door. This is our trash can.
Daphne: What was it doing there?
Beverly: Jason, get back here. [to Niles] It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.
Niles: You're embarrassed? Meet our daughter.
Gertrude: [waving cheerfully] Hello!

Martin: Yeah, nice to see you again, Mrs. Moon. Martin Crane.
Gertrude: Oh, of course. You're the one who's kind enough to keep my daughter employed.
Martin: It's not kindness. She does a great job.
Gertrude: Well, she does what she can with what God gave her.

Frasier: What is your brother doing here?
Daphne: My dad couldn't make it, so Mum brought him instead.
Niles: Why? Why didn't your dad come?
Daphne: I don't know. I'm disappointed, but I'm not surprised. Dad doesn't like to travel.
Niles: Why not?
Gertrude: You know, that flight made my feet swell up like a couple of Christmas hams. Oh, Simon, give them a rub.
Simon: I rubbed them halfway across the Atlantic.