Bulldog: 4 for 17 on Sunday, he calls himself a quarterback? I've passed kidney stones with more accuracy.

Bulldog: Well, look who's just crawled into the doghouse, it's Dr. Frasier Crane! And you know what we always do when we get a house call from the doctor.
Tape: [An Italian accent] Droppa your pants and bend over, I take-a your temperature.
Frasier: Hello, Bulldog.
Bulldog: So, doc? Who's your pick for the Giants-Saints game this weekend?
Frasier: The Giants.
Bulldog: You're kidding!
Frasier: The Saints?
Bulldog: You're kidding!
Frasier: Somebody has to win.
Bulldog: Yeah. They would if the Giants and Saints were playing this weekend! [plays a tape of donkey noises]
Frasier: Yes, that was very funny indeed. I wished you'd played it on my show. It deserves to be heard by a much larger audience. Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

Niles: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, oh, Bulldog, have you met my brother Niles? Niles, this is Bulldog Briscoe.
Niles: Oh, oh, oh. Just the man I want to talk to. As a sports expert I'm sure you can tell me why none of the local media carry the Ivy League squash standings.
Bulldog: [laughing] Whoa! Another one just like you. Some gypsy put a curse on your family? Well, I gotta run.
See you later, Miles.
Niles: It's, it's Niles.
Bulldog: Like it matters.

Frasier: Well, I understand congratulations are in order for you as well, Bulldog. What is this now?Four nominations? Three wins?
Bulldog: Yeah. I've been a symbol of broadcasting excellence in Seattle since 1991.
[Bulldog sniffs the air before barking at a woman outside]

Frasier: Now Roz, listen, you look terrific. You've done a wonderful little job with your problem there. It's practically disappeared.
Bulldog: Whoa, Roz. Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Roz: Nice going, Frasier, now she's never gonna give in.
Frasier: Steady, Roz. She may have been able to intimidate people in other situations, but here at KACL she'll find that we are not a bunch of spineless twits!
Bulldog: [whispering] Hey! Is she gone?

Frasier: What's going on?
Bulldog: Oh, this is great. I told Gil the new station owner is a Greek tycoon.
Frasier: He fell for that?
Bulldog: Hook, line, and souvlaki!
[in the booth:]
Gil: You can keep your overripe Camembert and malodorous Stilton, they can't compare with the salty insouciance of Greece's glorious Feta. It's not just for shepherds any more! This is Gil Chesterton saying Bon Appetite, or as we say in Athens, kali orexi!
[Frasier, Roz and a laughing Bulldog enter the booth:]
Frasier: Oh, Gil, you've been had. The new station owner isn't Greek, he's from Texas.
Bulldog: You are so easy!

[A man stands in front of the two-way mirror]
Bulldog: Hey, hey. This is great, I live for a moment like this.
[The man sticks his finger in his mouth]
Bulldog: That's right, that's right, go for it. Right there. Right there.
Frasier: Bulldog—
Bulldog: As long as you're in there you might as well go after the Huevos Rancheros you had for breakfast.
Frasier: Oh, stop it!
Bulldog: Hey, ten bucks says he eats what he finds.
Frasier: Oh, that's disgusting!
Bulldog: Come on, come on, come on, come on— Bingo! Do I know these people or what?!

Frasier: Thanks again for dinner the other night with Maris. You two seem very happy.
Niles: Oh yes, it's love. Like the Arctic Puffin, we've mated for life. Honestly, I can't imagine even looking at another woman.
[As Niles gets up to grab a napkin from another table, Daphne comes to Frasier's table to ask for sugar]
Daphne: Excuse me, sir, have you finished with that sugar?
Frasier: Oh, yes.
[Niles returns to their table without seeing Daphne, but he takes a minute to sniff the air.]

Sharon: I know you too. You're that guy that says golf is not a sport.
Bulldog: Well, it's not.
Sharon: Really?
Bulldog: Yeah. No cheerleaders, no blood and the only cups involved are in the ground.