Ray: All right, let's say Robert's not here. He's giving CPR to a kitten, okay? Then then you want me.
Marie: Is your father available?
Ray: What?
Marie: Say what you will about him, but when it comes to something like this, he can be very impressive. I mean, he's a fighter. He's got that inner rage. Actually, he's just looking for an excuse to use it.
Ray: And you like that? You're the one always complaining that he isn't sensitive enough.
Marie: But you just don't want sensitive. Sensitive doesn't scare off a burglar, or a peeping Tom.
Ray: That's a big problem around here, is it?

Marie: Don't listen to him. Don't listen to him. You're a sweet boy and that's what you do.
Ray: I'm not sweet!
Marie: All right, don't get upset. What I meant to say is that you're sweet, but you're also manly. You're a strapping, virile man.
Frank: Said his mommy.
Marie: I'm not only his mommy, Frank. I'm also a woman.
Ray: Oh God.

Ray: And then the beautiful princess said, "Oh, brave and handsome knight, thank you for taking that painful wooden spike out of my hand. I will marry you! I'm lucky to marry you!" And the townspeople rejoiced. Except for the giant, evil cowardly brother. Who was banished from the kingdom forever. And had to live 1.38 miles away.
Kids: Yay, yay, yay, yay.
Debra: My hero.

Robert: Raymond's mad at me because I showed Debra the Heimlich maneuver.
Gianni: Is that a euphemism?
Ray: You don't come into my house and try to show me up in front of my wife.
Robert: He let her almost choke to death.
Gianni: Well, that's not right.
Ray: She was coughing on a piece of fruit! Only thanks to this "boy scout," she thinks I'm useless now.
Robert: I'd rather be a boy scout than a girl scout.
Ray: What are you saying?
Robert: I'm saying I'll take a box of thin mints, sweetie.

Ray: Going to eat all of that?
Debra: I asked you if you wanted one.
Ray: All right, fine. I was just thinking that right now I could go for some orange or some sex. [Debra hands Ray some orange] Thank you. [Debra chokes] You all right? What's the matter? What wrong pipe or something? [Debra coughs up the orange segment] There you go.

Debra: Ray, why didn't you do something?!
Ray: What? What do you want me to do?
Debra: You just sat there and turned up the TV!
Ray: There was a lot of noise.
Debra: Oh! Is that how you react in an emergency?!
Ray: It wasn't an emergency. The thing came out. There. Want me to pick it up so you don't slip on it?
Debra: I was choking!
Ray: You were coughing. I mean, coughing's not choking.

Ray: All right, I'm sorry! I guess I should have done more.
Debra: More than nothing, Ray?
Ray: Oh, come on. You're okay, now. You don't got to be mad at me, right? "Mukluk"?
Debra: You know, is it too much to ask for you to save my life once in a while? I mean, I think it's the least you could do around here.

Ray: Hey, come on. You know you can always count on me.
Debra: Oh, I can? When?
Ray: When it counts. When the chips are down everybody knows that. I'm the "chips-are-down" guy.
Debra: Mmmm. Oh, really? Ahem well, where was the "chips-are-down" guy when the squirrel got in the house other day? I believe he was in the closet screaming, "Get it out! Get it out! It's after me!"
Ray: It was after me! I'd been eating nuts!
Debra: I mean, face it. You're useless in an emergency.
Ray: This wasn't an emergency! You coughed, you went, "pwah!" Right? That's not choking.

Debra: Okay, and if I had been choking, what would you have done?
Ray: If you had really been choking, I'm sure I would have known what to do.
Debra: Oh, it would come to you, just like that?
Ray: Yeah, yeah. Like the grandma who suddenly can lift the truck off the grandson.
Debra: Okay, Grandma, what would you do?
Ray: I would have done the maneuver thing.
Debra: Yeah. How do you do the maneuver thing?
Ray: You get around behind them and you... Listen, my specialty happens to be mouth-to-mouth.

Robert: You were choking?
Ray: No.
Debra: Yeah, and he just sat there.
Robert: Well he's never been good in an emergency.
Debra: Unless you can't hear a TV during your emergency, then he's your man.
Ray: Hey, the chips weren't down!