Robert: Don't worry Deb, you're family. I'm watching out for you.
Debra: Thanks, Robert.
Ray: Oh, please.
Robert: You know a person can perform the Heimlich maneuver on themselves if they have to?
Debra: Yeah? You better show me how.
Robert: I hear you. Okay, you're going to use the chair...
Debra: Yes.
Ray: I hear you too. Hey, Robert. There's another maneuver you can perform on yourself.

Ray: Hey, Ma.
Marie: Hello, Raymond. Want something to eat?
Ray: No, I'm not hungry.
Marie: You'll have a sandwich.
Ray: Let me get that for you, here. [groans as he opens jar of celery] There you go.
Marie: Thank you. Actually, I had just closed it.

Marie: What's wrong, Raymond? What did she do?
Ray: Nothing. She's mad at me. She was eating an orange and she started coughing and but not big coughing, you know? And I guess I should have done something or something.
Marie: Is that what she said?
Ray: No. She said she was choking and I should have saved her life.
Marie: Well, you know, Raymond, I have always found Debra to be very demanding.

Ray: You know, so I didn't know the exact right thing to do at that particular moment. I'm still... you know, right?
Marie: What, dear?
Ray: Well like, in an emergency situation. You'd still want me around, right?
Marie: What kind of emergency?
Ray: I don't know. I save you from something. A flood, a fire.
Marie: Are there other people around?
Ray: Oh, come on, Ma!
Marie: It's just that when it comes to acting under pressure, you're not exactly... But Robert happens to be very capable.

Marie: And you always do things like that. I remember you getting into fights all the time.
Frank: Getting picked on, you mean. A wedgie is not a fight.
Marie: Look, you remember that boy who was bothering you and you walloped him?
Ray: Oh, yeah. That's right. Robert's friend Albert Gomez.
Frank: How old was this bruiser? 10?!
Ray: For your information, Dad, I was 10, okay? He was 12 and a half.
Frank: Oo-oo-ooh.
Ray: He called me "Big Nose Barone," and I said, "Stop." He said, "Okay, B.N.B." I knew what that meant. Yeah. So I punched him in the stomach and he went down like a sack of doorknobs. Yeah, it wasn't "Big Nose Barone" anymore. It was "Superpunch."

Marie: [to Ray] And you don't have a big nose, dear. It's perfect for your face.
Frank: It's perfect for two faces.
Marie: Oh, stop it!
Ray: All right, Dad! Knock it off!
Frank: Easy there, "Superpunch."

Robert: Dad had me paged at work.
Ray: Did he tell you that he cheated? He was using his whole body. Not to mention his breath.
Gianni: Your dad's a real man. He does what it takes to get the job done.
Ray: I get the job done.
Robert: Oh, we're getting some conflicting reports. Apparently you're weaker than a feeble old geezer and you almost lost your bride to an orange.

Gianni: Come on, Ray! Our bodies are covered with hair for a reason.
Andy: To nauseate your fellow diners? Because we're supposed to be men.
Gianni: And Ray, as your friend, I can honestly say, unless you can provide for and protect your woman, you should get out of the way and give me a shot.

Robert: Look, come on, Debra would never go for you.
Gianni: Oh, and who would she go for, you?
Robert: I don't even think that's a question.
Ray: All right, would you both shut up?
Robert: I'm serious. My legs are taller than you.
Gianni: Oh yeah? You're a real man? Check this out. I shaved an hour ago.
Andy: Again with the hair. What else you got?
Robert: All right, who would Debra pick first, me or Gianni?
Ray: Whoa!
Andy: Hey, I'm not necessarily out of this.
Robert: If Raymond goes, I'm the brother. I get her. It's in the Bible.

Andy: Okay, all right, look! Will everybody just leave Raymond alone? He's obviously sensitive. And at the end of the day, that's what the ladies like.
Gianni: Andy, at the end the day, you have to blow up your lady.
Andy: I do fine with the women. They find me cuddly and cute. And when the poke me in the belly, I go... [girlish chuckle] [girlish chuckle as Gianni pokes him] What'd you think? That I wasn't going to back it up?