Ray: You know how much it meant to me to have a Mickey Mantle and what did you do? You brought home a fake.
Frank: Well, what was I supposed to do? I didn't know Mickey Mantle. And you wanted his autograph. So I went back for five games and I stood by the stadium door and Mantle never came out.
Ray: So you just got some trainer to sign it?
Frank: No, I signed it myself.
Ray: You signed it?
Frank: Yeah. I knew how much you wanted the thing so I practiced his signature over and over. Not a bad job huh? You know, if I could have gotten hold of the Mick's checkbook we'd be having this discussion on a yacht.
Ray: Why didn't you just tell me the truth?
Frank: Ah, I didn't want you to be disappointed. You're my kid. I don't blame you for being ticked off. I'm sorry I signed it. [Ray picks up the ball] What are you doing?
Ray: I want it now.
Frank: You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake, it still means something to you?
Ray: Yeah, Dad.
Frank: Then this Christmas, you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

Ray: Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Ally! [kicks Ally's bed] Ho, ho, ho.
Ally: Santa?
Ray: Hi, Ally.
Ally: You must be the real one.
Ray: Well, I know how much you believed in me and I just wanted to come by and say, thanks for the support.
Ally: You're welcome.
Ray: I have to go now. I have to fill all the stockings and eat all the cookies, and in general this is one of my busiest nights of the year.
Ally: Will you tuck me in, Santa?
Ray: Yeah, sure I'll tuck you in. Anything else that you need? A jug of water? A trip to the bathroom?
Ally: No, thank you.
Ray: Okay then. Sweet dreams. Always.
Ally: Santa.
Ray: Yeah?
Ally: See you next year.
Ray: Okay. Bye-bye. [trips] Oh, f-- Fa la la la la. [crawls out]

Ray: I can't see. I hate this side of the bed. I can't see the TV from here.
Debra: What do you mean? You picked that side.
Ray: Well, I didn't know it was gonna be my side for life. I gotta watch TV with a big foot in the middle of the screen. I'm trying to get the weather. I can only get from Wednesday over.
Debra: Do you wanna switch sides?
Ray: What? After seven years? I'II be all out of whack over there.
Debra: Maybe you'II do better with your next wife.
Ray: My next wife isn't gonna have feet. Right. I'II be able to watch the TV and I'II never have to go dancing.

Robert: There's a lot of stuff here.
Ray: Lot of ugly stuff. Who would buy this?
Debra: You bought it for me.
Ray: Oh. How come you never wear it?

Ray: My dad got me this when I was 10. Remember?
Robert: Yeah, I remember. You got Mickey Mantle, I got Art Shamsky.
Ray: Hey, you wanted Art Shamsky.
Robert: He homered his first Major League at-bat. Then after that right to the dumper.
Debra: He could still become famous.
Robert: Yeah, if he shoots someone famous.

Ally: Doesn't Santa bring all the toys?
Ray: To be honest...
Debra: Don't you dare.
Ally: What, Daddy?
Debra: Who wants cookies, huh?
Ally: Tell me about Santa, Daddy.
Ray: Well, the answer, I think, honey, comes down to the basic nature of reality. Hokey-dokey? [Ally shakes her head] No. Honey, I don't know how to tell you this but... [Debra grabs Ray's hair]
Debra: Of course Santa brings all the toys honey we're just gonna be Santa's helpers because he has so much to carry this year and he's out of shape.
Ally: Oh, that's nice.
Debra: Yeah. So why don't you just go and play with your toys from last year and I'm gonna have a nice long talk with your Daddy about the nature of his reality.

Robert: Ray, you're giving this away?
Ray: What is it? Oh, my God. Debra, what're you doing?
Debra: What? It's just an old baseball.
Ray: Just a baseball? Just a baseball? I've had this thing for 25 years. This is my autographed Mickey Mantle ball.
Robert: Oh, Debra.
Debra: Sorry. So Mickey Mantle signed it?
Ray: So? So? This is like having a Bible signed by... [chuckles, raises hand to the heavens]
Debra: Yeah, it's exactly the same.

Ray: Pretty incredible, huh?
Andy: Yeah, if Mickey really signed it.
Ray: What are you talking about?
Andy: Didn't you see that thing on 60 Minutes? All this signed stuff is, like, 70% fake. Like back then the trainers would sign all the balls.
Robert: You know I saw that. Raymond this may not be real. That's a shame.
Ray: Yeah, right. Dad got this for me himself. All right?
Andy: Maybe Morley Safer's wrong. [Robert chuckles]

Ray: Remember this?
Frank: Hey, look at that. God, I remember when I brought this home for you. What were you, like, 10? You ran all around the neighborhood showing it to the other kids, right?
Ray: Yeah. So Mickey Mantle really signed it?
Frank: Who told you that?
Ray: You! You did.
Frank: Oh.
Ray: What, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? This isn't real?
Frank: It's a real ball.

Ally: Can I have this dolly Daddy?
Ray: No, honey, we're gonna give these toys to other kids for Christmas. Okay?
Ally: But you said Santa brings all the toys.
Ray: I said Santa?
Ally: Doesn't he, Daddy?