Ray: Did you say that you like Amy more than Debra?
Marie: I am not... saying that.
Ray: What?
Marie: I am not saying that I like Amy more than Debra.
Ray: I know. I know you're not saying it now. But did you say it, ever? [Marie is silent] What if I told you that we have a tape of you saying it, Ma?
Marie: Give me the tape.
Ray: There is no tape.
Marie: Then you don't have any proof at all.

Debra: Thank you, Marie, but the boys can do it themselves.
Marie: Boys should play. I hardly ever used to make Raymond tidy up.
Debra: I know, Marie, and thank you for that.
Robert: For Raymond, it was, "Don't worry, go play." What I got was, "Robbie, dust the ceiling!"

Debra: Hey, how did it go with Gerard today?
Ray: Yeah, thanks for mentioning things to my mom, pepper squat.
Debra: What?
Ray: I can't get any work done. He's allergic to the pen. And he keeps asking me stupid questions.
Debra: You gotta just give the guy a chance, you know?
Ray: You try spending a day in the basement with him, you know? He's always got something negative to say about everything, even when I compliment him. Then he keeps complaining in that nasal whiny voice. "Oh no, I spilled whiteout." [Debra laughs] What?
Debra: You could be twins.

Debra: That's why I want to go to counseling. I don't think it's that you're just lazy. I think there's a deeper reason behind this, and if we could just figure it out, you and I could be happier.
Ray: Come on, you know me. There's not much deepness. I just... I like to be taken care of.
Debra: You gotta understand, Ray, that that's not a wife. That's a mother.
Ray: Well, maybe that's what I want!
Frank: Holy crap!

Marie: Why would you lie to me, Raymond?
Ray: Because of you. You. You care so much about who's a good girl and who's not. You started this whole competition between Debra and Amy.
Amy: [enters] Here we go. What competition?
Debra: Don't worry. You win.
Frank: [to Robert] And if I'm following this right you lose.

Marie: We didn't want to disturb you during dinner. But your motion-sensor light is not working properly.
Debra: It seems to be working just fine.
Marie: Now, yes, but something must be wrong with it because it didn't go on when Raymond came home.
Debra: No, Ray's not home yet. Did you get us that light so you would know when Ray gets home?
Marie: Also for your protection.
Debra: You know, instead of you looking for that light, we could just send white smoke up the chimney.
Marie: [chuckles] No, I wouldn't want to bother you. No, the light system works fine.

Marie: There was no hotel. Which means that wasn't the trick you were playing on us. So then what was it?
Ray: There was- No, nothing.
Marie: The washing machine? Having Frank fix something that wasn't broken?
Ray: Yes, that's it! Ha ha! Gotcha!
Frank: Why, you lousy big-nosed bastard!