Ray: So if Dad doesn't pay this ticket, is there gonna be a court date? 'Cause I would take off of work for that.

Robert: I might just give him a warning.
Ray: Oh, wussy-wus-wus. Come on, you got a chance to get even with this guy!
Robert: I don't know.
Ray: What do you mean you don't know? Remember what he's done to us? Remember "Guess that smell"? Yeah? The killing of the Tooth Fairy? Liver week?
Robert: Liver week was my fault. Would have been one night if I just could have swallowed it.

Ray: Dad, what are you-- What are you doing? You didn't look, you didn't signal.
Frank: There was plenty of room!
Ray: This is the kind of stuff that's going to be on the test.
Frank: Ah, they're not going to have that beginner's crap on there.
Ray: Yes, they are. You gotta look in the mirror.
Frank: Yeah, yeah.
Ray: And both hands on the wheel. Both hands. Sit up straight.
Frank: Ah, come on!
Ray: Yes, and you have to signal. Every time.
Frank: There's only one signal you need. Let me find it. Here it is!
Ray: Dad! That's a lady, Dad! Oh great! She's giving it back. Good. That's good. Two fingers before breakfast.

Frank: I don't need you telling me how to drive. I taught you.
Ray: Yeah, well, great. I'll use your method. After everything I tell you, I'll just add the word "stupid."
Frank: Fine, then I'll burst into tears. "Don't yell at me! How can I drive when you're yelling at me!"
Ray: I'm trying to help you. Okay? Do you want to pass this test or not?
Frank: Don't worry about me. This whole family's a bunch of pansies. I've been driving for 50 years!
Ray: Yeah, maybe that's enough.
Frank: What's that suppose to mean?
Ray: Nothing.
Frank: Let me tell you something. When I started, you needed skill to drive a car. No automatic transmission. No power steering. No cup holder. Yes, sir, you needed a little muscle, Nancy.

Debra: So this doesn't worry you?
Ray: Well look, the thing with my father is he always drove fast and took chances, you know? But he had the moves to back it up. Now...
Debra: He's getting older, Ray.
Ray: Yeah. But he passed the test. And I gotta tell you, I was a little proud of him, you know? 'Cause maybe that means that he's not really that old.
Debra: I know it's hard, you know? Especially when they live right across the street and you see him every day.
Sometimes two, three times a day. And you don't notice they're getting older.
Ray: Yeah. I guess all that time he spends with his head in our fridge keeps him fresh.
Debra: Yeah. You know, sometimes I don't see my parents for three months. And then when I do, it's, whoa, suddenly they're older.

Debra: So listen, what about the driving?
Ray: Well, I think we gotta be adults here, you know? And every morning let the air outta his tires.
Debra: No, you're right. We have to be the grown-ups. 'Cause that's what happens. And we're just gonna have to tell him. Can't drive the kids anymore. And he shouldn't be driving at night when the weather's bad. Or anywhere there's people.
Ray: Yeah. While we're at it, why don't we tell him how much TV he can watch? And how much candy he's allowed. And make him tie his retainer to his belt loop with fishing line so he doesn't lose it! He did that to me.
Debra: Well, maybe you'll do better with them than they did with you.
Ray: This driving thing is just the beginning, isn't it?
Debra: Yup.
Ray: Okay, all right! We're the parents now. I tell you one thing. You're giving them the sex talk.

Ray: Hey, Robert? Dad look like he's getting old to you?
Robert: Is this a rest home discussion? 'Cause I've got some brochures in my room.
Ray: I mean, what is he now? He's like 66?
Robert: Raymond, the man is gonna live for many, many more years. And you'll feel much better once you make your peace with it.

Frank: Debra, Penny's is having a sale on athletic socks. Anybody need socks?
Debra: I think we're good.
Frank: I'm pretty low. We should swing by. And I need to get to the post office before it closes.
Debra: Okay, okay. Whoa, whoa! [car brakes]
Frank: Hey, that moron cut you off!
Debra: All right. It's all right, Frank.
Frank: Hey, hey, wait a- No, you can't be a doormat! Excuse me, honey. Grandpa has something for that man.
Debra: No, Frank! No.
Frank: This is for you, you stupid stinking hump!

Ray: Everybody's asleep.
Debra: Good.
Ray: Wanna play Candyland?
Debra: What? The kid's game?
Ray: Not if you're naked.
Debra: Ray, come on! This is gonna be worse if I leave it.
Ray: You're suppose to leave it. That's the Let-it-sit rule. Right? I love that rule.
Debra: Yeah, I never should have taught you that. [Ray kisses Debra] Woo! Never should've taught you that either.

Robert: I can't look the other way anymore. You drive like a maniac.
Debra: Frank, how did you hit Robert's patrol car?
Robert: My partner comes to pick me up and Dad backs out of the driveway without looking.
Frank: The car shouldn't have been there!
Robert: On the street?
Frank: So call it a hit and run. Say you never saw the guy!
Robert: I can't lie on the police report.
Frank: Why not?
Robert: Because I have a moral obligation as a police officer and I almost got caught for lying for you the last time!