Chris: You smoke?
Drew: Ma, the surgeon general says you can't-
Rochelle: I know what he says. It's written on the side of the box.
Tonya: Then how come you still smoke?
Drew: Yeah. If there was a sign on the side of our dinner that says it will cause cancer and birth defects, you would slap the salad out of us if you found us eating it.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] But sometimes the best deals are right under your nose.
Michael: This car is you, nephew! Let me take another picture. Yeah, you are hot! That's it right there, nephew, that's it. This is it.
Chris: I don't know. I think I want to look around a little bit more.
Michael: What for? That's a good car. Radio works, no dents, you got a spare in the back, and it only costs $300. Plus, you can't even see the hole in the backseat where the girl shot at me over a chicken sandwich. There's a lot of people pay a lot more money for a car like that.
Chris: Then why haven't you sold it already?
Michael: Classified ads are expensive. If you hadn't called me, I would've kept it for myself.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And trade it to somebody for a sandwich.

Julius: Lakemuffin? I wonder if he's related to Seabiscuit.

Rochelle: Tonya? Do you have a pen?
Tonya: For what?
Rochelle: For me not to smack the smart out of you. Now, find a pen and give it to Drew.

Michael: Hey, man, you got that pen?
Drew: Uh, Mom's bringing one.
Tonya: Here, Drew, here's a pen.
Drew: Oh. Here you go, Uncle Michael.
Michael: Sweet! [Julius walks in] Big Man!
Julius: Hey, Michael. Here's that pen, Drew. [Drew hands it to Uncle Michael]
Michael: This house is full of pens!

Police Officer: Was there money in the tires?
Chris: No.
Police Officer: A baby?
Chris: A baby in the tires?
Police Officer: You'd be surprised. Was this baby Black or White?
Chris: There was no baby in the tires.
Police Officer: Well, tell me, sir, exactly what was in the tires?
Chris: Air.
Police Officer: White air?
Chris: White air?!
Police Officer: You'd be surprised. All right, fill this out, and we'll see what we can do.
Chris: Well, should I move it so I don't get a ticket?
Police Officer: Don't bother. [slaps a ticket on the windshield] Too late.

Tonya: If Chris gets a car, can I have a football helmet?
Julius: For what?
Tonya: Because I don't want to be on the street unprotected.

Drew: I think you should get a Suzuki Samurai.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's because he thought the car came with a sword.
Drew: But if you don't get a Samurai, you should get a Audi 5000. That way, when you leave a place, you're, like, "Yo, I'm Audi 5000", and then you'd be in one. That'd be cool.

Rochelle: Chris is not getting a car.
Chris: Come on, Ma, I saved up $300, I got my license, what else do I need?
Rochelle: My permission.
Julius: $300? That's a lot of dollars.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] 300 to be exact.
Julius: If he's old enough to save up that kind of money, he's old enough to spend it on what he wants.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's a good thing I was too young for strip clubs.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] And while Drew acted like he wasn't hiding anything, Tonya was acting like my mom.
Tonya: I don't need this! My man has two jobs! Hmm.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Someday she's gonna make somebody a great ex-wife.
Tonya: Cigarettes? "Surgeon General's Warning: "Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy." Hmm. Good thing they got these filters.