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‘Everybody Hates the Laundromat’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Laundromat

108. Everybody Hates the Laundromat

Aired November 10, 2005

When Rochelle drags Julius out of bed to go buy a new TV, Chris must spend the day with Drew and Tonya at the laundromat.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only person who loved sleep more than me was my father. And right now, he's dreaming his favorite dream.
[dream sequence:]
Bank Teller: I've been working here a long time, now, and I've never seen anybody pay bills like you. What do you got, two jobs or something?
Julius: Just one.
Bank Teller: Can I help you with something else?
Julius: Can I have my three cents change?

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Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Oh, no, no, no, I am tired of Risky. Everything we get from him breaks down.
[flashback to Rochelle taking a foil-wrapped brick out of the oven:]
Julius: What are you doing?
Rochelle: I'm ironing.
Julius: I got you an iron from Risky.
Rochelle: It broke.
Julius: Damn, Risky.
[flashback to Rochelle holding a piece of bread above a lighter:]
Julius: What are you doing?
Rochelle: I'm making toast.
Julius: I got you a toaster from Risky.
Rochelle: It broke!
Julius: Damn, Risky.
[flashback to thirteen years ago, Rochelle and Julius standing on an apartment's fire escape:]
Julius: Are you sure?
Rochelle: Like I told you for the hundredth time, I'm pregnant. I thought you used a condom.
Julius: I did. Damn Risky.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Let's just say my mother didn't have the best history with credit.
[flashback to Rochelle going to the counter with a dozen boxes of shoes:]
Rochelle: Put it on the card.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She bought shoes, she bought clothes, she'd buy money, if they let her.
[flashback to Rochelle dumping a heap of clothes on the sales counter:]
Rochelle: Put it on the card.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There was nothing my mother wouldn't put on a credit card.
[flashback to Rochelle at the bank:]
Rochelle: Put this on my card.
Bank Teller: Lady, you can't pay your credit card bill with your credit card.
Rochelle: What about this one?

Quote from Julius

Salesman: All you got to do is sign on the dotted line and we're all set.
Julius: I'm reading the small print.
Salesman: Don't have to read that, it don't mean nothing.
Julius: Then why'd they put it on here?
Salesman: It's just technicalities.
Julius: 17%? That's kind of high, ain't it?
Salesman: It's not unusual.
Julius: Brooklyn Bridge ain't unusual, but it's still high.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You should've seen him at tax time.

Quote from Drew

Drew: I told you not to put the coloreds in with the whites.
Chris: Mama's gonna kill me.
Drew: Hold on, think I could fix this. Excuse me, Miss.
Beautiful Woman: Yes?
Drew: My brother put the coloreds in with the whites and now everything's pink. Could you help us get the clothes back white again or my mother's gonna kill him?
Beautiful Woman: Aw, I'll be happy to.
Drew: Thank you.
Chris: How'd you do that?
Drew: I don't know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When Drew turned 18, that woman looked him up. Not to be her boyfriend, she just loved doing his laundry.

Quote from Julius

Salesman: Can I help you?
Julius: Yeah, we're here for the $199 19-inch, color TV.
Salesman: I'm sorry, we sold out of those. Sale's been on since Monday.
Julius: Thank you. Okay, let's go.
Salesman: Hold on. I'm sure we can find something you might like.
Rochelle: See?
Julius: You probably can, but if it's not a TV for $199, you don't need to show it to me.
Rochelle: No, no, no, wait, baby. Now, let's just look around for a little while.
Julius: You got some "looking around" money?

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: We came here for the $199 TV, not a credit card.
Salesman: Yeah, but you could use one, right? We'll give you a $500 limit, no payments for six months. We'll get you out of here with a TV.
Rochelle: Wait, wait, baby. Let's think about this for a moment. If the kids keep watching that TV, they're gonna mess up their eyes, and if they can't see they might wander out into the street and get hit by a bus. Now, do you want three crippled kids or a new TV?
Salesman: Lady's got a point.
Rochelle: See?

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: See, baby, we could get a lot of stuff we need. I mean, it's on credit. What are you worried about?
Julius: It's on credit. That's what I'm worried about.
Rochelle: I'm gonna go look at the couch again.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Did I miss anything?
Greg: Not this time. You got to watch it. You were, like, this close to getting caught.
Chris: Well, at least it's Friday. I'll get a chance to sleep in tomorrow.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Man, there was nothing better than being in a bed on a Saturday morning, dreaming my favorite dream: me sleeping in on a Saturday morning.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Julius. Julius. [slaps him] Julius!
Julius: Yo, I'm up, I'm up, I'm up. Where are my keys?
Rochelle: No, no, baby! You don't have to go to work. Today is Saturday.
Julius: You woke me up at 6:45 on a Saturday morning? Are you crazy?
Rochelle: No, baby, look, look, wait. I was looking through the paper and they're having TVs on sale in Queens. Look, $199 for a color 19-inch?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] 19-inch TV? Hey! Now guys have those in their headrests, but back then, it was a big deal.
Julius: Rochelle, I can get this same TV for half that. All I got to do is wait for my man Risky to get one.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That means he has to wait for his man Risky to steal one.

Quote from Drew

Kill Moves: You into martial arts?
Drew: Yeah. Why?
Kill Moves: Want to learn some kill moves?
Drew: Yeah
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only thing Drew loved more than candy was learning how to break a neck.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Wake me up when that machine stops.
Tonya: I ain't waking you up.
Chris: Tonya, I'm not playing with you. Now, wake me up when that machine stops!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya's so difficult, the only reason she's a girl is 'cause my father wanted a boy.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Okay, let me tell you the rules.
Rochelle: Okay.
Julius: We're going to get a TV.
Rochelle: Mm-hmm.
Julius: Not a VCR.
Rochelle: I hear you.
Julius: Not a couch.
Rochelle: I got you.
Julius: A TV.
Rochelle: No problem.
Julius: And if it doesn't cost $199, we're going home.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, right.
Rochelle: Well, can I at least look around?
Julius: Last time you went someplace "looking around," I ended up buying a house.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Little dude from across the street. Yo, why don't you let me hold a quarter?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Aren't you done yet, baby? I want to show you something.
Julius: I'm reading the contract.
Rochelle: Oh, just hurry up and sign that thing and come on.
Julius: I want to show you this couch.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only thing that made my mother happier than having man with two jobs was getting a new couch.
[fantasy: the kids are wearing white as they watch their own individual TVs in a luxuriously decorated room. Rochelle is talking to Sheila:]
Sheila: Girl, did I tell you I was getting married?
Rochelle: Ooh, that is nice. But did I show you my new couch?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No amount of good news could compare to my mother getting a new couch.
Rochelle: It's all leather.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Rochelle, do you know how long it's gonna take me to pay off $700? Hmm?
Rochelle: Mm, but Julius...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If the most important thing to my mother was buying a couch, the most important thing to my father was paying it off.
[fantasy, a smartly-dressed Julius joins Rochelle, who is lounging on her couch eating a pastry in the luxurious room:]
Rochelle: Oh, Julius, where have you been?
Julius: I just dropped Tonya off at college. They hired Chris to replace me on my first job, and Drew to replace me on my second job. I paid off the house, the car, the light bill and the gas. We don't owe anybody a single dime. And I'm gonna take a nap and get the hell out of here before you spend some more money.

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: What?
Chris: Open the door.
Tonya: I ain't opening nothing. I'm telling mama and daddy that you said you hate me and you left me in the house by myself.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother didn't care what I said to Tonya just as long as I didn't leave her someplace by herself.
[flashback:]
Rochelle: Chris, didn't I tell you not to leave your sister here by herself?!
Chris: I didn't know she was gonna sell the house.

Quote from Julius

Salesman: I can work you out a great deal on the television, the sofa, dining room set. You get it today, I'm gonna save you some money.
Julius: If I don't get it at all, I'll save more. Let's go.
Rochelle: Now, wait a minute, Julius. You work, I work... Well, sometimes. I'm just saying, you don't have to be so ch-
Julius: You think I want to be cheap? I'd love to come in here and buy you everything in the store, but I don't have it like that, Rochelle. I don't.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father wasn't bald when he got married, but one hair fell out for every bill he got.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You know what, forget it, baby.
Julius: Huh?
Rochelle: If I buy this stuff, that means you'll have to work even harder, which means you'll be home even less. And when you do get home, I' be mad, you'll get tired of it, we'll end up in a divorce, and I'll end up with some old-ass furniture and no man. And if you think you leaving me for a White woman, you got another thing coming.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know you think she's doing this out of love, but watch this.
Rochelle: [sighs] What?
Julius: Hold on a minute. [to the salesman] How much for this one?
Rochelle: [kisses Julius] Can we get that one? It's just more state-of-the-art. It has the buttons and the knobs that...
Julius: I love you. We're getting that one right there.
Rochelle: Okay.
Julius: On sale.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though my mother was gonna kill me about Tonya, at least she had clean clothes to bury me in.

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