Doc: Is your mama going to let you go down there?
Chris: I don't see why not. All I got to do is ask.
[later:]
Chris: Ma, can I go to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
Rochelle: No.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Happy New Year!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wanted to be in Times Square when the clock struck midnight, but I struck out.
Chris: Come on, ma, why not? I mean all we do is stay up till 11:59, say, "Happy New Year," blow a noisemaker, and then go to sleep. I want to do something different.
Rochelle: Like what? Get drunk, rip your shirt off in the freezing cold and have the cops arrest you and spend the first day of the new year in jail?
Chris: Who wants to do that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Lindsay Lohan!
Rochelle: Well, obviously, you do. That's what happens to people who go to Times Square.

Rochelle: Drew, Tonya, get in here! Okay, here's the list. Make sure you get everything.
Tonya: Can I stay up and watch Rocking New Year's Eve? The Jets are on.
Rochelle: The football team?
Drew: No, they're a singing group. They're just like the Jacksons, only Samoan.
Rochelle: Oh, fine, but just hurry up, and, Drew, do not forget the kitty litter.
Drew: Okay.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my father was on a bridge over troubled water.
Julius: Hey, what's going on up there?
Man: Some idiot's threatening to jump off the bridge. Why couldn't he jump off the Triborough? We're going to be out here all day.
Julius: What? Man, I'm trying to get home.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] That New Year's Eve, my father was on TV more than Dick Clark.
Drew: Hey, look, there's Dad on TV again!
Julius: [on TV] So, I climbed up the girder to where the guy was sitting and I said, "What if everybody who ever had a problem jumped off a bridge?"
Rochelle: Climbed up a girder?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] To keep from falling asleep, Tonya got herself a secret weapon. Instant coffee. For staying awake, it's the next best thing to crack.
Drew: Hey, Tonya, come watch Dad on TV.
Tonya: I am, I just got to go to the bathroom first.

Chris: Dad's on TV again?
Drew: Yeah, before he talked that guy down, he had to climb up to the top of the bridge to do it. It was so cool.
Rochelle: No, that was not cool, it was crazy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was crazy-cool!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] We're here at Chris' house where we've secretly replaced the fine coffee they usually serve with Folgers Crystals. Let's see if anyone can tell the difference. [Tonya stuffs the ground coffee in her mouth and drinks water from the tap] Maybe that wasn't Folgers!

Rochelle: Chris, did you find somebody to take you to Times Square?
Chris: Not yet. You think Dad could take me?
Rochelle: Oh, well, go climb up a bridge and maybe he'll come get you.

Rochelle: [answers phone] Hello?
Julius: Hey, honey, it's me.
Rochelle: Where are you?
Julius: I just got off an interview. It's crazy! This morning I was just coming home from work and...
Rochelle: I know what you've been doing, it's all over the news. What the hell is wrong with you?
Julius: What? I just talked a man down from--
Rochelle: No, you didn't just talk a man down. You just climbed up onto a girder to talk a man down. While you were up there saving his life, did you think about your family? I mean, what if that fool would've jumped and took you with him? Did you think about that?
Julius: I saved his life.
Rochelle: And you almost got yourself killed. Your son needed you, and you were out there on top of the George Washington Bridge.
Julius: Needed me for what?
Rochelle: You know what? I'm not even gonna deal with this. Chris, it's for you. It's Spider-Man.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If he doesn't come home soon, she's gonna be the Black Widow.