Greg: What's wrong with you?
Chris: You had the same day as me. And I had school and work. So why are you so tired?
Greg: It's not like I do this every day.
Chris: Exactly. If you got treated like me, you wouldn't last two seconds.
Greg: Hey, man, at least you have a little help around here. Most of the time, I have to get by on my own.
Chris: Oh, yeah, with your own room, your own TV, your own allowance.
Greg: You know what, you're being really immature.
Chris: I'm being immature? Man, you're the one going to bed dressed as Superman.
Greg: No. I'm going to bed dressed as Clark Kent.

Greg: Why didn't you wake me up?
Chris: You told me you didn't want me to do anything for you, so I didn't.
Greg: That didn't mean I wanted you to let me sleep through school. I missed the quarterly history test!
Chris: Well, maybe you should've gone to bed dressed as Superman. That way you could've flown to school.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Good thing he doesn't have heat vision.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, Greg and I were having our own standoff... minus the guns and the masculinity.
Rochelle: Okay, what's going on between you two?
Greg: Ask him.
Rochelle: Chris?
Chris: I didn't do a thing.
Greg: You didn't wake me up!
Tonya: You didn't wake him up?
Drew: Man, that's wrong.
Chris: Who asked you?
Rochelle: Excuse me, I can handle this. You didn't wake him up? That's wrong.

Rochelle: Chris, what is wrong with you?
Chris: I live here, and you're treating him better than me.
Rochelle: [sighs] Okay. Baby, Greg is your guest, okay? I been doing stuff for him for one week because he's your friend. I've been doing stuff for you for 15 years because you're my son, okay? Don't ever forget that.

Chris: Aw, forget it. I'll tell Ms. Morello what happened, and maybe she'll let you take a make-up exam.
Greg: You think?
Chris: Yeah. I'll just tell her that you drank a 40 by accident.

Chris: Hey, Greg, what's up?
Greg: My father's going out of town for a week. I have to stay with my grandmother. I'm not looking forward to it.
Chris: Why not?
[flashback: Greg and his family are dressed in Lederhosen as they dance:]
Grandmother: Left, right, left knee, right, left, right...
[present:]
Greg: Anyways, I'll catch you later.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For most of my life, I'd never had a friend stay over at my house...
Chris: Hey, Greg.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...mostly because I didn't have a friend, and we already had too many people in our house.
Chris: You want to just come stay at my house?
Greg: Are you serious? That'd be totally awesome.
Chris: Yeah, all I have to do is ask my mom.

Greg: Hey, Drew, thanks for giving me your bed. But if you want me to sleep on the couch instead of you, I understand.
Drew: Oh, no way. Now I have the TV to myself at night.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg was driving me up the wall, and my dad was about to get taken for a ride. [siren wails in distance]
Julius: Where to?
Eddie: Las Vegas.
Julius: Seriously, man, where to?
Eddie: Las Vegas, Nevada.
Julius: Man, you crazy. Get out of my cab.
Eddie: Hey, no, seriously, brother, I really need to get to Las Vegas.
Julius: Look, I cannot take you to Las Vegas!
Eddie: Would you take me to Las Vegas for a thousand dollars?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] For a thousand dollars, he'd take you to South Africa during the height of apartheid.
Julius: Just let me call my wife.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] To say good-bye.

Rochelle: Hey, you guys, your cereal is on the table. Okay, here we go, Greg. Egg white frittata, honeydew melon and dry wheat toast.
Greg: Thanks. This looks delicious.
Chris: Why's he get all this?
Rochelle: 'Cause our regular food would kill him.