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‘Everybody Hates Bed-Stuy’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Bed-Stuy

306. Everybody Hates Bed-Stuy

Aired November 5, 2007

When Chris joins the school newspaper, he stretches the truth to write an exciting story about Bed-Stuy. Meanwhile, Rochelle helps a local councilman campaign for reelection.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Lisa hated my story, so I showed it to Ms. Morello, who loved anything Black.
Ms. Morello: Lisa's right, this isn't good.
Chris: What's wrong with it?
Ms. Morello: Chris, there's nothing worse than racial stereotypes. We've seen this a thousand times. The tall, shirtless Black man, his ebony pecs glistening with sweat from working in the fields. His furrowed brow filled with savage lust. Where was I?
Chris: I think you were talking about racial stereotypes.
Ms. Morello: Oh, right. I want to read about the real Black men who walk the gritty streets of the hood. People like Super Fly, the Mack, Black Belt Jones, Truck Turner and Blacula. Tell me the truth about the pimps and the hustlers, the violence... all set to a jazzy beat!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, there's a jazzy beat I want to give her, right upside the head.

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Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Walking home, I couldn't help thinking that my street was usually filled with life, and now it was an empty wasteland, all because of me. I felt worse than food poisoning.
Jerome: [hushed] Little dude from across the street... come here, man. Man, what you doing out there?
Don't you know there's a killer on the streets?
Chris: Nah, I'll be all right.
Jerome: Let me hold a dollar. [takes a dollar] Be safe out here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Did I just get mugged from a window?

Quote from Greg

Greg: It's not too late. You can still get involved in an activity.
Chris: Like what?
Greg: I don't know. Something that plays into your strong suits.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Problem was, all I had were weak suits.
Greg: Choir.
Chris: I can't sing.
Greg: Glee Club.
Chris: I can't sing.
Greg: The debate team. You can talk, can't you?

Quote from Doc

Doc: You know, when I was young, I was a real player. I dated women wherever I could find them. Oh, yeah, I was what you'd call a serial dater. I went out with thousands of women. They all cried when I left. But they'd all take me back in a second.
Chris: No, I didn't know that.
Doc: I dated all the pretty women in Syracuse.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Both of them.
Doc: Then I dated all the pretty women in Albany.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now we're up to three.
Doc: Then, I dated all the pretty women in Pittsburgh.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Okay, we're back at two.
Doc: But I know it's hard to look at old Doc and think of me in that way, but I'm a real lady killer.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I knew one thing for sure: nobody at school was writing about this.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: I'm trying to prevent the election of this evil individual.
Rochelle: Lamar Johnson is not evil.
Mr. Omar: You know that since this man has come into office, my business has dropped 35%?
Rochelle: That's because the murder rate has dropped 35%.
Mr. Omar: The whole reason I moved to Bed-Stuy was because business was booming. I couldn't keep a casket in stock. They were literally flying into the ground.
Rochelle: You are sick. That's why I'm going to do everything in my power to get him re-elected.
Mr. Omar: I'm going to do everything in my power to get him defeated.
Rochelle: What?! Wait a minute now. If you're not voting for Johnson, who are you voting for? [Mr. Omar takes out a campaign pamphlet] Himelfarb? Abe Himelfarb, who owns the pawn shop?
Mr. Omar: With Himelfarb in office, everything will fall naturally into place.
Rochelle: [over bullhorn] Over my dead body!
Mr. Omar: That would be tragic, but if it were to happen, you can rest assured I'll give Mr. Julius a nice discount.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: [shouts out the window] Hey, hey, don't listen to that fool. Johnson is a good man. He's cleaning up our streets! Vote Johnson!
Mr. Omar: What kind of councilman got people campaigning for him hollering out of windows?! Vote for Himelfarb!
Rochelle: How you gonna vote for somebody, and you can't even spell their name?! Vote Johnson!
Mr. Omar: We can't spell his name, 'cause Johnson ruined the schools. Vote for Himelfarb! When I say, "Himel," you say "Farb"... Himel!
Crowd: Farb!
Mr. Omar: Himel!
Crowd: Farb!
Rochelle: Well, at least Johnson ain't locked out of his own damn house! When I say, "Locked," you say, "Out"-- Locked!
Crowd: Out!
Rochelle: Locked!
Crowd: Out!
Rochelle: That's what he is.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait! Where you going? Where you going? Come on! Himelfarb will open doors that's been shut. He will put a chicken in every pot.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I thought about what to write, my father thought something was wrong.
Julius: Re-elect Lamar Johnson?! Why're you campaigning for this guy?
Rochelle: Because my daddy supported his daddy when he was city councilman, and now I am just carrying on the tradition.
Julius: But you're hardly home as it is. Who gonna take care of the house?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "Ain't you got two hands?"

Quote from Julius

Julius: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What about dinner?
Rochelle: Oh, baby, can't we order Chinese food?
Julius: Well, who gonna pay for this Chinese food?
Councilman Johnson: Uh, I can pay you with my undying gratitude.
Julius: Well, can you pay me back with $13.43?

Quote from Drew

Drew: Yuck!
Rochelle: What's the matter?
Drew: My peas are touching my mashed potatoes.
Rochelle: So what?
Drew: I just hate when one food touches another.
Rochelle: Baby, that's what mashed potatoes are for. They're like little clumps of glue that you use to pick up your peas.
Drew: That's disgusting.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I could only imagine what would've happened if I'd tried that.
[fantasy:]
Chris: I can't eat this. My peas are touching my mashed potatoes.
Rochelle: [pushes Chris's head into his food] Are they separated now?

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