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‘Everybody Hates Bed-Stuy’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Bed-Stuy

306. Everybody Hates Bed-Stuy

Aired November 5, 2007

When Chris joins the school newspaper, he stretches the truth to write an exciting story about Bed-Stuy. Meanwhile, Rochelle helps a local councilman campaign for reelection.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Lisa hated my story, so I showed it to Ms. Morello, who loved anything Black.
Ms. Morello: Lisa's right, this isn't good.
Chris: What's wrong with it?
Ms. Morello: Chris, there's nothing worse than racial stereotypes. We've seen this a thousand times. The tall, shirtless Black man, his ebony pecs glistening with sweat from working in the fields. His furrowed brow filled with savage lust. Where was I?
Chris: I think you were talking about racial stereotypes.
Ms. Morello: Oh, right. I want to read about the real Black men who walk the gritty streets of the hood. People like Super Fly, the Mack, Black Belt Jones, Truck Turner and Blacula. Tell me the truth about the pimps and the hustlers, the violence... all set to a jazzy beat!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, there's a jazzy beat I want to give her, right upside the head.

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Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Walking home, I couldn't help thinking that my street was usually filled with life, and now it was an empty wasteland, all because of me. I felt worse than food poisoning.
Jerome: [hushed] Little dude from across the street... come here, man. Man, what you doing out there?
Don't you know there's a killer on the streets?
Chris: Nah, I'll be all right.
Jerome: Let me hold a dollar. [takes a dollar] Be safe out here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Did I just get mugged from a window?

Quote from Greg

Greg: It's not too late. You can still get involved in an activity.
Chris: Like what?
Greg: I don't know. Something that plays into your strong suits.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Problem was, all I had were weak suits.
Greg: Choir.
Chris: I can't sing.
Greg: Glee Club.
Chris: I can't sing.
Greg: The debate team. You can talk, can't you?

Quote from Doc

Doc: You know, when I was young, I was a real player. I dated women wherever I could find them. Oh, yeah, I was what you'd call a serial dater. I went out with thousands of women. They all cried when I left. But they'd all take me back in a second.
Chris: No, I didn't know that.
Doc: I dated all the pretty women in Syracuse.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Both of them.
Doc: Then I dated all the pretty women in Albany.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now we're up to three.
Doc: Then, I dated all the pretty women in Pittsburgh.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Okay, we're back at two.
Doc: But I know it's hard to look at old Doc and think of me in that way, but I'm a real lady killer.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I knew one thing for sure: nobody at school was writing about this.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: I'm trying to prevent the election of this evil individual.
Rochelle: Lamar Johnson is not evil.
Mr. Omar: You know that since this man has come into office, my business has dropped 35%?
Rochelle: That's because the murder rate has dropped 35%.
Mr. Omar: The whole reason I moved to Bed-Stuy was because business was booming. I couldn't keep a casket in stock. They were literally flying into the ground.
Rochelle: You are sick. That's why I'm going to do everything in my power to get him re-elected.
Mr. Omar: I'm going to do everything in my power to get him defeated.
Rochelle: What?! Wait a minute now. If you're not voting for Johnson, who are you voting for? [Mr. Omar takes out a campaign pamphlet] Himelfarb? Abe Himelfarb, who owns the pawn shop?
Mr. Omar: With Himelfarb in office, everything will fall naturally into place.
Rochelle: [over bullhorn] Over my dead body!
Mr. Omar: That would be tragic, but if it were to happen, you can rest assured I'll give Mr. Julius a nice discount.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: [shouts out the window] Hey, hey, don't listen to that fool. Johnson is a good man. He's cleaning up our streets! Vote Johnson!
Mr. Omar: What kind of councilman got people campaigning for him hollering out of windows?! Vote for Himelfarb!
Rochelle: How you gonna vote for somebody, and you can't even spell their name?! Vote Johnson!
Mr. Omar: We can't spell his name, 'cause Johnson ruined the schools. Vote for Himelfarb! When I say, "Himel," you say "Farb"... Himel!
Crowd: Farb!
Mr. Omar: Himel!
Crowd: Farb!
Rochelle: Well, at least Johnson ain't locked out of his own damn house! When I say, "Locked," you say, "Out"-- Locked!
Crowd: Out!
Rochelle: Locked!
Crowd: Out!
Rochelle: That's what he is.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait! Where you going? Where you going? Come on! Himelfarb will open doors that's been shut. He will put a chicken in every pot.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I thought about what to write, my father thought something was wrong.
Julius: Re-elect Lamar Johnson?! Why're you campaigning for this guy?
Rochelle: Because my daddy supported his daddy when he was city councilman, and now I am just carrying on the tradition.
Julius: But you're hardly home as it is. Who gonna take care of the house?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "Ain't you got two hands?"

Quote from Julius

Julius: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What about dinner?
Rochelle: Oh, baby, can't we order Chinese food?
Julius: Well, who gonna pay for this Chinese food?
Councilman Johnson: Uh, I can pay you with my undying gratitude.
Julius: Well, can you pay me back with $13.43?

Quote from Drew

Drew: Yuck!
Rochelle: What's the matter?
Drew: My peas are touching my mashed potatoes.
Rochelle: So what?
Drew: I just hate when one food touches another.
Rochelle: Baby, that's what mashed potatoes are for. They're like little clumps of glue that you use to pick up your peas.
Drew: That's disgusting.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I could only imagine what would've happened if I'd tried that.
[fantasy:]
Chris: I can't eat this. My peas are touching my mashed potatoes.
Rochelle: [pushes Chris's head into his food] Are they separated now?

Quote from Rochelle

Councilman Johnson: [stammering] This is a... a... [stammering] Oh, this is a disaster!
Rochelle: Can you believe what this is going to do to the community?
Councilman Johnson: I mean, why would you let your son Chris write a story like this when I'm trying to get reelected?
Rochelle: What? You're worried about being reelected when my son is out there about to be snipped to death by a scissor killer?! Is that what you saying to me?!
Councilman Johnson: Uh, n-no, no.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes!
Councilman Johnson: I'm saying what would people think if I'm allowing a serial killer to roam the neighborhood?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hadn't seen spin like that since Usher battled Omarion.
Rochelle: I don't know if you noticed or not, but ain't nobody in the neighborhood except that killer and my baby!

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My story had pulled the wool over the community's eyes, but Doc's eyes weren't woolly at all.
Doc: Who keeps taking these posters down? Now, Chris, let me see if I understand this correctly. The killer came over here and spontaneously confessed to you about his murderous past in Syracuse, Albany and Pittsburgh. Is that about right?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, if by right, you mean wrong.
Chris: Yeah, kind of.
Doc: Oh, what part of that did I get wrong?
Chris: The part about the killer coming out here.
Doc: Chris, you've got this whole neighborhood terrified. Ain't nobody on the streets. Ain't nobody out here, ain't nobody coming in the store.
Chris: I'm sorry; it's just that I want to be remembered.
Doc: Chris, you can't base your legacy on lies. Now, you got to go and tell somebody what you did.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: [sighs] You just had to lie, didn't you, Aesop?

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: So, I gave the people what they want, and now look at me.
Greg: Sometimes people don't like what they want after they get it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wonder if he'll want my foot in his behind after he gets that.
Greg: I got the yearbook.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I learned a couple of important things from this whole fiasco. Number one, I learned the word legacy. Number two, people are suckers for a serial Scissor Killer story. And C... hey, I could write. But best of all, I finally did get something written under my school yearbook picture. [The caption under Chris's picture reads "Liar"]

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At the end of the school year, I was going to graduate from Corleone Junior High. My eighth grade picture had a list of everything I'd accomplished, which so far, was nothing. This was my last chance to make sure that didn't happen again.
Greg: Why aren't you filling out your yearbook activities form?
Chris: Because right now, the only thing I have to put under my picture is "human punching bag."
Greg: How about "First Black kid at Corleone"?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Actually, I wasn't the first Black kid at Corleone...
[flashback to 1968: As a smiling Black student gets off the school bus, he is shot]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was just the first one that made it into the building.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Okay, so I might be the first. But until now, that hasn't meant a whole lot.
Greg: But you tried out for the basketball team. And you ran for class president.
Chris: Yeah, but I failed. Nobody remembers failure.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about other Black people who were first at something, and what it would be like if they had failed.
[fantasy: A middle-aged man is smoking a cigar in his office as he talks to a White baseball player:]
Team Owner: Thanks for showing up. This Black guy was in here, uh, Robinson. You know I was going to break the color line for him. He showed up 20 minutes late. Claimed he couldn't get a seat on the bus. Now you, kid, you can't hit. You can't run. You can't throw. But you show up on time.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Well, it looks like the only thing left is the Chess Club and Journalism staff.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about joining the Chess Club.
[fantasy:]
Referee: Go!
Russian Boy: [makes a move] [Russian: "Checkmate."]
[reality:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Extra, extra! Dummy joins newspaper.
Chris: School newspaper, here I come.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because failure is not an option.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] School newspapers are different in White neighborhoods. For one thing, there's no obituary column.
Lisa: So, what do you want to write about?
Chris: Politics.
Lisa: No. I write about politics.
Chris: Okay, then sports.
Lisa: No, Ping does the sports column.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mostly covers Ping-Pong.
Chris: Okay, then entertainment. Like, movie reviews and stuff like that.
Lisa: This isn't Jet magazine, this is a newspaper.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I like Jet.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Okay, then what do you want me to write about?
Lisa: I don't know, something that you know about.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She doesn't have the guts to suggest a fried chicken column.
Chris: Like what?
Lisa: I don't know. Something that's unique to you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You know, something that's unique to you, Blackety.

Quote from Julius

Councilman Johnson: Julius, ha-ha! Good to see you, my brother. Hope you plan to vote next week.
Julius: Yeah, I-I do.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hope you plan to lose.

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