Chris: Well, nobody wakes me up. Nobody puts chocolate on my pillow. If I took a half-hour shower singing "That's What Friends Are For," and you had to pee, you would smack the crack out of my behind.
Rochelle: Okay, watch yourself, boy.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, Greg was catching up on more than his studies.
Ms. Morello: What year did the American Revolution begin? Greg. Greg?!
Greg: [wakes up] 1942.
Ms. Morello: Greg, what's wrong with you? You're usually so alert.
Chris: It's because he's staying at my house for the week.
Ms. Morello: Oh, my God, he's drunk?! Did he have a 40 for breakfast?
Greg: I'm not drunk. I'm just not used to getting up so early.
Ms. Morello: Don't be ashamed. Chris's people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She was Don Imus in a dress.

Rochelle: Julius, do you want me to make you an extra plate for work?
Julius: Oh, that'd be great, baby. Thank you.
Greg: Work? It's nighttime.
Tonya: He works at night.
Drew: And days.
Chris: My dad has two jobs.
Julius: Make that three. I just picked up a side job driving a cab.
Rochelle: A cab? When do you have time to drive a cab?
Julius: I'm just trying it for the weekend. I'll see how it goes.
Greg: Wow. When do you sleep? [all laugh]
Julius: Hey, that's a good one. Sleep.

Greg: I can't decide on a hairstyle. I'm stuck between Verdine White and Dr. J.
Manny: I cannot cut your hair, Greg.
Greg: Why not?
Manny: First of all, your hair's not long enough to be Verdine White, and it's not curly enough to be Dr. J. I've never used these scissors on straight hair. I don't know what will happen. I'll start cutting your hair, man, sparks start flying everywhere, your whole head catch on fire. And I will not be sued by White people!

Julius: [on pay phone] Operator. I'd like to make a collect call.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father had a system to beat the high price of calling collect.
Drew: [answers phone] Hello?
Operator: You have a collect call from...
Julius: [rapidly] Daddy fine. Nebraska cornfields. Chris garbage. Hang up.
Operator: Would you like to accept? [Drew hangs up]
Rochelle: Collect call from your father?
Drew: Yeah. He's doing fine. He's in Nebraska, and the cornfields are pretty, and Chris should remember to take out the garbage.
Rochelle: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Eventually, the phone company started hanging up on my father.

Julius: So how was it having Greg over?
Chris: Cool. Can he stay over again sometime?
Rochelle: Are you nuts? I never worked so hard in my entire life.
Drew: And I want my bed back.
Tonya: And she is not making me eat no more tofu. [overlapping complaints]
Julius: Whoa, you gave your brother's bed to Greg?
Drew: And you sit up here washing dishes for the White man!
Tonya: And that little TV show NOVA was boring!
Rochelle: I'm tired of being a vegetarian short-order cook!

Greg: [singing in the shower] Keep smiling, keep shining Knowing you can always count on me
Chris: [bangs on door] Greg, hurry up! I need to get in!
Greg: [o.s.] That's what friends are for...
Tonya: Chris, would you shut up?! Dang!
Greg: [o.s.] Keep shining, knowing you can...
Rochelle: Boy, what is your problem?
Chris: I need to go to the bathroom.
Rochelle: Well, you bang on that door again and I'm gonna knock out whatever you're holding in!

Rochelle: [on the phone] Boy, are you crazy?! And why are you just springing this up on me?!
Chris: So he can't come stay with us?
Rochelle: [sighs] Well, baby, it's just that I'm at work, and I don't have time to get ready for company. Okay, all right, Greg can stay, but just tell him don't expect anything special.
[later:]
Chris: Chris: I'm warning you, man, don't expect anything special.
Greg: Don't worry, dude, I'm just happy to be here.
Rochelle: Hello, Greg! Hors d'oeuvre?
Greg: If this isn't special, I'd hate to see her overdo it.
Rochelle: Come, eat.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Help! My mother is possessed by a nice lady.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The snoring actually wasn't that bad compared to what followed.
Greg: [singing in his sleep] She's a maniac, maniac on the floor And she's dancing like she's never danced before
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was hoping a maniac would break in and smother Greg with a pillow.

Jerome: Hey, little dude from across the street. Who this?
Chris: Oh, it's my friend Greg. He's staying at my house for a few days.
Jerome: Hey, little White dude staying across the street, let me hold a dollar. [Greg hands him a dollar] Nice shirt.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Risky got the shirt from Jerome.
Greg: Hey, I just got a nickname.
Chris: Hey, you just got robbed.
Greg: Cool!