Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I helped Malvo, maybe someday he would help someone else. Or at least kill one less person.
Malvo: [holding a kid against a wall] Can't you see I'm trying to better myself?
Chris: Malvo.
Malvo: What?!
Chris: I decided to help you.
Malvo: Looks like I ain't gonna be needing you after all, Four Eyes! Get out of here!
Chris: I thought you said you weren't gonna beat anybody up.
Malvo: I wasn't beating him up, I was threatening him!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He'd gone from a felony to a misdemeanor. That was progress.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I told my parents about Malvo, they insisted on talking to him, but they were prepared for anything.
[Julius has a baseball bat in his hands, Rochelle has a gun behind her back, Drew is holding his nunchuks, and Tonya is aiming a crossbow at Malvo]
Malvo: I made you all a bean pie.
Rochelle: Oh! Thank you!
Malvo: No. Thank you. Thank y'all for having me over.
Rochelle: No problem. It was our pleasure.
Julius: So, I understand you want our son to help you get into high school.
Malvo: Yes, sir.
Rochelle: Well, you do realize it's not a school to get high?
Malvo: Yes, ma'am. I figure if I'm gonna turn my life around, it starts with education.
Rochelle: That's nice; education is good. So what do you plan on doing with this education?
Malvo: Well, short-term, I was thinking about becoming a male nurse.
Rochelle: Male nurse, that's good! You know, not many of those. [forced laugh]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That way, he can care for you after he beats the hell out of you.

Malvo: Long-term, I was thinking about becoming an astronaut.
Julius: [laughs] Whoo, that's way up there. [Julius and Rochelle laugh]
Chris: Sky's the limit.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He wanted to be the first man to steal things in space.
Rochelle: You know, Malvo, we-we really appreciate what you're trying to do.
Julius: Yeah, but, um, we kind of don't like the idea of our son hanging out with a... ex-con.
Rochelle: Ex-con, yeah.
Malvo: I understand, sir, but all I want is a second chance. I mean, if I can turn my life around and become a guy like you, the world will see me differently.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, they won't.

Chris: So, uh, Malvo, do you have all your records?
Malvo: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, those were lost in a... school "fire."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I don't know why he's doing quotes. He actually set the school on fire.

Rochelle: Well, you know, I-I work for the Department of Records. Maybe I could help you find, you know, some copies of yours.
Malvo: That'd be great; I'd be most gracious.
Rochelle: "Most gracious." Good word.
[Rochelle goes to the window and gives a signal to Monk, who is on the roof of the other building with a rifle]
Monk: Come on, man.

Alyson: I'm Alyson; I'm Latrinda's mother. I'm here to talk to you about what your daughter did.
Rochelle: Well, what did my daughter do?
Alyson: Well, she talked my little Latrinda into going to see an R-rated movie and I don't appreciate it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I don't appreciate that outfit.
Rochelle: Well, that does not sound like my Tonya, but I promise you I'll get down to the bottom of it.
Alyson: Yeah, you do that.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I miss Salt-N-Pepa.

Rochelle: What happened at the movies?
Tonya: What do you mean?
Rochelle: Latrinda's mother just came here and told me you dragged her to an R-rated movie.
Tonya: No, that's not what happened. Latrinda's mother was supposed to come with us to see Police Academy 3, but she just dropped us off, so Latrinda wanted to sneak in to some movie called Kiss of the Spider Woman, and they had all nasty killing and stuff in there and I didn't want to see it, so I left.
Rochelle: Mm...

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was used to seeing Malvo getting booked, not reading one.
Malvo: Hey, Chris.
Chris: Hey, Malvo. Where you going?
Malvo: Down to Greenwich Village to play Scrabble in the park. What have you got there, an abacus?
Chris: No.
Malvo: Well, it's obviously not an abalone.
Chris: What are you talking about?
Malvo: I'm just practicing my new words.
Chris: Oh, well... Listen, man, my mom pulled up your records. There's no way you can get into high school.
Malvo: Why not?
Chris: You never graduated junior high school.
Malvo: Now I feel abysmal.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nothing sadder than a depressed gangster.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my father was realizing that these weren't Jackie Robinson's Dodgers.
Drew: Yes! Ha! The Mets win again. Looks like you owe me a dollar.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father was a strong man, but right then, that dollar weighed a ton.
Julius: Double or nothing?
Drew: You want to let it ride?
Julius: Let it ride.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now I was on my own trying to get Malvo through this process, but Malvo was making progress.
Chris: What year was the Magna Carta signed?
Malvo: 1215.
Chris: You got another one right.
Malvo: Yeah!
Rochelle: Hey! I was just wondering how studying was coming along.
Malvo: Good.
Chris: Yeah, Malvo's doing great.
Rochelle: Okay, just checking on you. [holding a gun behind her back] Go back to studying.
Chris: Okay, um, the Battle of Hastings?
Malvo: 1066.
Chris: You, sir, are smarter than a ninth-grader.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And you're only 32.