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‘Everybody Hates a Liar’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates a Liar

204. Everybody Hates a Liar

Aired October 23, 2006

Chris lets everybody think he and his neighbor Tasha are an item. Meanwhile, Julius is ready to spend his trading stamps, and Drew feels neglected.

Quote from Julius

Chris: [licks a stamp for Julius] Can we use the sponge instead?
Julius: You know how much a sponge costs?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Less than a new tongue.
Julius: [accidentally tears a stamp] That's one cent worth of stamp. Chris, give me the tape.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What my father didn't realize was that I had to use two cents' worth of tape to repair one cent worth of stamp.

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Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Chris!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Uh-oh.
Rochelle: Why is Miss Clarkson talking about? Boy, turn around before I smack a face onto the back of your head.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Why is Miss Clarkson talking about you in her house with Tasha, and it's all over the neighborhood? I do not appreciate the whole neighborhood knowing something about my child, and I'm the last to find out.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother hated being the last to find out about anything.
[flashback to Rochelle entering the living room:]
All: Surprise! [party horns]
Rochelle: Why am I the last to know?
[flashback to Rochelle and Julius in a doctor's office:]
Doctor: Congratulations. You're pregnant.
Julius: That's great!
Rochelle: Pregnant?! Well, why am I the last to know? [turns around to reveal a baby bump]

Quote from Julius

Julius: Sit down. Chris, if you're leading people to believe you did something with that girl you didn't do, then you need to fix it.
Chris: But I never said we did anything.
Julius: Let me tell you how to treat women, son. If you do something, you should never say anything. If you don't do something, and you don't say anything, that means you did something even if you did nothing. So, by not saying anything, you're doing something, and you need to say something and let people know you did nothing. You understand?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No.
Chris: Yeah.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father never spent money on himself, so to get the things he liked, he used trading stamps. These weren't the kind of stamps you put on an envelope. They were the kind of stamps you put in books and could redeem for stuff that you'd never buy with cash. Like a bumper pool table. Electro energy ball. My father wished he could use trading stamps to pay for everything.
[fantasy: Julius and Rochelle are in a hospital room where Chris is bed:]
Doctor: He needs a new heart.
Rochelle: Is it in the catalog?
Julius: 85,000 stamps.
Doctor: Get that boy into surgery.

Quote from Doc

Chris: What?
Doc: Okay, what? I'm just trying to figure you out. Here I'm thinking, your middle name is "Mr. Lonely." Come to find out it's "Lady-Killer," huh?
Chris: I'm not a lady-killer.
Doc: Yeah, I wasn't either. That's how come I got divorced as many times as I did. Look, when your time comes, get you a pre-nup.
Chris: I don't have anything.
Doc: Well, they'll take that, too.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You got that right.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Hey! Little dude from across the street. Man, that's too bad what happened with you and Tasha.
Chris: I told you, nothing happened with me and Tasha.
Jerome: Yeah, I know. Let me hold a dollar.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They say the truth will set you free, but in my case it cost a dollar.

Quote from Julius

Julius: This is a nice canoe.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] 100,000 more stamps and we could get a river.
Rochelle: Julius, where you plan on putting this canoe?
Julius: I don't know. Somewhere.
[When the family get out of the car, the canoe has been taken from the roof of the car:]
Chris: Where's the canoe?
Tonya: How did they untie it?
Drew: When did they take it?
Rochelle: They wouldn't have taken a refrigerator.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The next week, that's exactly how they stole our new refrigerator.
Julius: That's 4,652 books worth of stamps!

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Do they still have that golden boomerang?
Rochelle: We ain't getting no golden boomerang. We getting a new refrigerator.
Julius: What's wrong with the refrigerator?
Rochelle: The thermostat is broken. The freezer's too cold, the refrigerator's too hot. It melted the ice cream and froze the cheese.
Julius: I thought we'll get something fun.
Rochelle: Eating ain't fun? Try not eating.

Quote from Drew

Drew: Hey, Mom, you want to watch The Ropers with me? It's the one with the big misunderstanding.
Rochelle: Oh, no, baby, I'm tired. I've been working all day, and after I finish helping Tonya I got to go fold clothes.
Drew: Oh, okay.
Chris: I'll watch it with you.
Drew: No, thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only thing Drew liked more than watching The Ropers was watching The Ropers with my mother.

Quote from Vanessa

Pam: Girl, little Tasha who just moved in?
Vanessa: That's right. You know what else I heard? I heard she and Chris were right outside on the street kissing.
Pam: Ooh, girl, was it tongue kissing?
Rochelle: Right down to the throat.
Pam: Ooh, I didn't know she was like that.
Vanessa: You wasn't supposed to know.
Pam: Hmm.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tasha Clarkson was the new girl next door. Unlike just about every other girl in the neighborhood, she didn't hate me.
Tasha: Hi, Chris.
Chris: Hey, Tasha.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I always tried to play cool around her, but every time she came out the door, it looked like this... [footage of Tyra Banks on the catwalk] But Tasha's grandmother was one of the strictest parents on the block.
Louise Clarkson: Where you going dressed like that?
Tasha: Grandma, I have on everything but gloves.
Louise Clarkson: Put some gloves on. Showing your hands to people.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And it was 79 degrees.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Little dude from across the street. Come here.
Chris: Listen, man, I don't have any money.
Jerome: I don't want your money, little dude. I want to know how you got Tasha.
Chris: Got Tasha what?
Jerome: Come on, little dude. I saw that. Every little dude on the block been trying to get next to her. Little dude from up on the third floor, little dude from around the corner, little dude with the funny leg, little dude with the little loft, little dude that be with big dude and Kenny. Now I know why they can't get nowhere. 'Cause little dude from across the street is on the case. Now why you ain't tell nobody?
Chris: Hey, well, you know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what you said when you didn't want to lie, but you didn't want to tell the truth.
Jerome: I underestimated you, little dude. I ain't think you had it in you. Tasha. Mean as her grandmom is. You a bad man, little dude.
Chris: Just do me a favor. Don't tell anybody?
Jerome: It's between me and you. [chuckles] Little dude from across the street. Mackin'.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I should have told him the truth that nothing happened, but, hey, well, you know.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Risky: Not only Chris have Tasha, but he got three other women.
Mr. Omar: Hey, ain't nothing wrong with that. The Good Book says "Be fruitful and prosper."
Risky: Yes, Lord.
Mr. Omar: Got any ashes in this?
Risky: No.

Quote from Kill Moves

Boy: Man, I heard Tasha caught Chris cheating with Valerie Simpson. Nick Ashford gonna kill him.
Kill Moves: [karate chop] Hi-i-i-i-i-i. Notice how Nick Ashford and Verdine White look just alike?
Boy: Verdine White from the liquor store, or Verdine White from Earth, Wind and Fire?
Kill Moves: It's the same guy.
Boy: What?

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Hello, Louise. How you doing?
Louise Clarkson: You keep your nasty little nappy-headed son away from my granddaughter. That's how I'm doing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means all seven of the words you can't say on television. Because this is a family show, all she can say is this...
Rochelle: Excuse me?
Louise Clarkson: Let me slow it down for you. Keep your nasty little nappy-headed son away from my granddaughter.
Rochelle: Okay, Louise, first of all, I don't know what you're talking about. Second of all, I suggest you watch your tone.
Louise Clarkson: I suggest you watch your son.
Rochelle: Louise, I'm going to assume that you have not lost your mind.
Louise Clarkson: All right.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There's less anger in the Middle East.

Quote from Adult Chris

Rochelle: So exactly what is it that you're talking about?
Louise Clarkson: Your son was in my house with my granddaughter when I wasn't home. And then went around the neighborhood and talked about her like she was some kind of tramp.
Rochelle: Chris?
Louise Clarkson: No, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Yes, Chris. I don't know how he wormed himself into my house, but I'll tell you this... if it happens again, there's going to be a problem.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] "Problem" is a polite word for ass-kicking.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Miss Clarkson said that Chris was in her house with Tasha.
Julius: Doing what?
Chris: Nothing. She asked me to come over because there was a mouse in her closet. I got rid of it, and then we went right back outside.
Rochelle: Getting rid of a mouse? Is that what they're calling it nowadays?
Julius: Are you an exterminator? If you are, let me see your paycheck.
Chris: No.
Rochelle: Chris, I don't care if you were over somebody's house getting rid of a mouse, a spider, a roach, a tiger...
Chris: I was just trying to help.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother had to find out what was up before she had to smack Drew down.
Rochelle: Something you want to talk about?
Drew: Why do you pay more attention to Chris and Tonya than you do me?
Rochelle: I don't do it on purpose, baby.
Drew: Well, then, how come every time I ask you to do something, you always make me do it by myself?
Rochelle: Well, because you've always been able to do things on your own. Doesn't mean I love you any less.
Drew: Sometimes it feels like it.
Rochelle: Oh, don't say that, Drew. I'm proud of you. I guess I don't see you as being my baby anymore.
Drew: You don't?
Rochelle: Uh-uh. I look at you as a young man, because you're so independent.
Drew: I'm independent?
Rochelle: And you're funny. You're handsome.
Drew: Oh, cool.
Rochelle: So you going to be okay?
Drew: Yeah.
Rochelle: I'm sorry, Drew. I love you.
Drew: I love you, too.
Rochelle: Good. Come on, let's make some Kool-Aid. Oh, and another thing. If you ever walk away from me like that again, you going to need a wheelchair to bring you back. Okay?

Quote from Julius

Julius: I'm here to redeem my stamps.
Cashier: What would you like?
Rochelle: The olive green refrigerator.
Cashier: We're out of those.
Julius: You have one in yellow?
Cashier: No. We're out of the refrigerators.
Rochelle: Well, what about the stove?
Cashier: Gone.
Julius: The sofa?
Cashier: Nuh-uh.
Julius: Washing machine?
Cashier: Nope.
Chris: Electric ping-pong table?
Cashier: Nada.
Tonya: Mini-Bake Oven?
Cashier: Zilch.
Drew: The golden boomerang?
Cashier: The bishop just walked out with the last one.

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