Chris: [licks a stamp for Julius] Can we use the sponge instead?
Julius: You know how much a sponge costs?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Less than a new tongue.
Julius: [accidentally tears a stamp] That's one cent worth of stamp. Chris, give me the tape.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What my father didn't realize was that I had to use two cents' worth of tape to repair one cent worth of stamp.

Rochelle: Chris!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Uh-oh.
Rochelle: Why is Miss Clarkson talking about? Boy, turn around before I smack a face onto the back of your head.

Rochelle: Why is Miss Clarkson talking about you in her house with Tasha, and it's all over the neighborhood? I do not appreciate the whole neighborhood knowing something about my child, and I'm the last to find out.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother hated being the last to find out about anything.
[flashback to Rochelle entering the living room:]
All: Surprise! [party horns]
Rochelle: Why am I the last to know?
[flashback to Rochelle and Julius in a doctor's office:]
Doctor: Congratulations. You're pregnant.
Julius: That's great!
Rochelle: Pregnant?! Well, why am I the last to know? [turns around to reveal a baby bump]

Julius: Sit down. Chris, if you're leading people to believe you did something with that girl you didn't do, then you need to fix it.
Chris: But I never said we did anything.
Julius: Let me tell you how to treat women, son. If you do something, you should never say anything. If you don't do something, and you don't say anything, that means you did something even if you did nothing. So, by not saying anything, you're doing something, and you need to say something and let people know you did nothing. You understand?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No.
Chris: Yeah.

Jerome: Hey! Little dude from across the street. Man, that's too bad what happened with you and Tasha.
Chris: I told you, nothing happened with me and Tasha.
Jerome: Yeah, I know. Let me hold a dollar.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They say the truth will set you free, but in my case it cost a dollar.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father never spent money on himself, so to get the things he liked, he used trading stamps. These weren't the kind of stamps you put on an envelope. They were the kind of stamps you put in books and could redeem for stuff that you'd never buy with cash. Like a bumper pool table. Electro energy ball. My father wished he could use trading stamps to pay for everything.
[fantasy: Julius and Rochelle are in a hospital room where Chris is bed:]
Doctor: He needs a new heart.
Rochelle: Is it in the catalog?
Julius: 85,000 stamps.
Doctor: Get that boy into surgery.

Chris: What?
Doc: Okay, what? I'm just trying to figure you out. Here I'm thinking, your middle name is "Mr. Lonely." Come to find out it's "Lady-Killer," huh?
Chris: I'm not a lady-killer.
Doc: Yeah, I wasn't either. That's how come I got divorced as many times as I did. Look, when your time comes, get you a pre-nup.
Chris: I don't have anything.
Doc: Well, they'll take that, too.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You got that right.

Julius: This is a nice canoe.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] 100,000 more stamps and we could get a river.
Rochelle: Julius, where you plan on putting this canoe?
Julius: I don't know. Somewhere.
[When the family get out of the car, the canoe has been taken from the roof of the car:]
Chris: Where's the canoe?
Tonya: How did they untie it?
Drew: When did they take it?
Rochelle: They wouldn't have taken a refrigerator.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The next week, that's exactly how they stole our new refrigerator.
Julius: That's 4,652 books worth of stamps!

Julius: Do they still have that golden boomerang?
Rochelle: We ain't getting no golden boomerang. We getting a new refrigerator.
Julius: What's wrong with the refrigerator?
Rochelle: The thermostat is broken. The freezer's too cold, the refrigerator's too hot. It melted the ice cream and froze the cheese.
Julius: I thought we'll get something fun.
Rochelle: Eating ain't fun? Try not eating.

Drew: Hey, Mom, you want to watch The Ropers with me? It's the one with the big misunderstanding.
Rochelle: Oh, no, baby, I'm tired. I've been working all day, and after I finish helping Tonya I got to go fold clothes.
Drew: Oh, okay.
Chris: I'll watch it with you.
Drew: No, thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only thing Drew liked more than watching The Ropers was watching The Ropers with my mother.