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‘Everybody Hates Driving’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Driving

303. Everybody Hates Driving

Aired October 15, 2007

Julius finally allows Chris to get behind the wheel and move the car to the other side of the street. Meanwhile, Rochelle takes Drew and Tonya with her to court as she challenges a speeding ticket.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Good, and make sure you put on your seat belt.
Chris: I will.
Julius: And don't touch my mirrors.
Chris: I won't.
Julius: Don't move my seat.
Chris: Okay.
Julius: Warm up the engine.
Chris: Right.
Julius: And don't go burning up gas.
Chris: I'm just moving the car across the street.
Julius: That's three cents worth of gas.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] By the time this checklist was over, I had had a license, a diploma, and had made my third appearance on Showtime At The Apollo.

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Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I got older, I was always asking my dad to let me drive.
Chris: Hey, Dad, can I drive?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And he always said the same thing.
Julius: Drive? Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16, go to driver's ed., get a driver's license, graduate from high school, get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance. Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He could have just said no.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After a day behind the wheel of a car, I had been popular, I had been terrified, and I was ready to get back on the bus.
Chris: Oh, no.
Police Officer: Hey, kid! Hey! A little young to be driving, ain't you?
Chris: I'm just listening to the radio, officer.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There's only one reason the police in Brooklyn would pass up the chance to bust a Black kid in a car, two Black kids in a car. [siren blaring]

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: I told you about speeding. Now you have to spend a whole day off from work just to pay a ticket.
Rochelle: I'm not paying the ticket because I wasn't speeding. Cop gives me a ticket for doing 32 in a 25. Who does 32 in a 25? If I'm gonna speed, I'm gonna do 30 miles over the limit, not seven.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Greg, I thought I told you not to tell anybody about the car. Now the whole school knows.
Greg: I'm sorry, man. You've got a car and I know you. That's the closest thing I've ever gotten to being cool. You know Jennifer Thompson?
Chris: Yeah, so?
Greg: Well, every time I'm around her, I get tongue-tied, and I finally had something worth saying to her.
Chris: That I had my father's car?
Greg: And that I'm riding shotgun.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I had had a shotgun, Greg would be riding in the trunk.

Quote from Drew

Rochelle: Drew, where have you been?
Drew: I just made ten dollars. Some guy just paid me to pee in a cup.
Rochelle: Boy, give me that money! Don't you know that's against the law.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not technically.
Rochelle: And you were supposed to be getting soda. Where's the soda?
Drew: I had to drink them so I could pee.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You have to spend money to make money.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: I- I'm throwing myself at, at, at the mercy of the court. I have been such a very bad girl and, and, and I deserve to be punished. Ow.
Judge: I know this. That's what I'm doing. 50 days or $50.
Rochelle: No, come on, Judge! I, okay, okay, wait, wait, wait. I-I-I promise you I wasn't speeding.
Judge: Ma'am, everyone who came in here today said the same thing. Whether they were going 32 in a 25 or 37 in a 30 or a 62 in a 55. "I wasn't guilty," "I didn't see the sign!" "I'm a law abiding citizen!" "I didn't do nothing wrong!"
Rochelle: Did you just hear yourself? Wait, wait a minute. Did, did it ever occur to you that everybody that came in here today just so happened to be going seven miles exactly over the speed limit. Not two, not ten, not twelve, but one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Seven, everybody.
Judge: Officer, do you have the calibration report for your radar gun on the day in question?
Police Officer: Uh... No, I don't.
Rochelle: Mmm.
Judge: Case dismissed.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father's trust made me feel like a man... and so did this.
Tasha: Hey, Chris. You driving now?
Chris: Yeah, so if you ever need a ride someplace, just let me know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Especially if that someplace is across the street.
Tasha: Well, maybe we could take a ride after school.
Chris: Maybe. Look, I got to go, I don't want to hit traffic.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] At that moment, I had a decision to make: drive across the street and look like a fool or drive around the corner and feel real cool. [car starts] If Greg were here, he'd say I was in there.

Quote from Adult Chris

Rochelle: Here you go, Julius, here's your breakfast. Julius, wake up.
Julius: What are you still doing here?
Rochelle: [sighs] I got to go to court. I got a speeding ticket.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother had her own style of driving called The Fast and The Furious: Bed-Stuy Drift.

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother got ready to challenge the law, I was still breaking it.
Jerome: Hey, little dude from across the street! Check you out, man. I didn't know you knew how to drive.
Chris: I'm just moving my dad's car for street cleaning.
Jerome: Well, you look a little stiff in there, little dude. See, man, you got to cop a lean, pop your collar up a little bit. I'll show you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Another thing I learned about cars is that it's not always what you drive, it's how you drive it. Pop this up some like this. Now go ahead and lean. Man, come-- lean, man. Man, get low. Yeah.
Chris: I can't see nothing.
Jerome: But you look good, though.
Chris: I got to get to school.
Jerome: Man, come on, let's go.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You can't see me, but take my word for it: I look cool.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Jerome had me driving like he was Miss Daisy.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: You got the car. Why don't you drive to school?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because it'll be the last ride I ever take.
Chris: Because I'm not supposed to be driving. I'm supposed to be parking. Plus, I don't even have my license.
Jerome: Well, I'm just saying if you doing something you ain't supposed to be doing, you might as well do something you supposed to do.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sounds crazy, makes sense.
Chris: I guess.
Jerome: Hey, you think you could stop by and pick me up on your way home from school?
Chris: No!
Jerome: All right. Let me hold a dollar; I need bus fare.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What about my gas money to bring you here?
Jerome: Thanks, little dude. Remember what I showed you.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I was scared out of my wits, there was something about driving that made me feel like the coolest kid in the world. And the only thing cooler than driving to school was pulling up in front of it.
Greg: Whoa, Chris, is that you? I always suspected you were held back a couple of years, but I didn't know you could drive. When'd you get your license?
Chris: I don't have my license.
Greg: What are you doing driving and where'd you get a car?
Chris: It's my dad's car.
Greg: What are you doing with it?
Chris: Moving it to the other side of the street.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or the other side of the borough.
Greg: Cool. This is totally off the hook.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg was actually the first one to use that phrase and eventually went on to teach Snoop "shizzle" talk.

Quote from Chris

Greg: When the other kids see this, we are going to be so in there.
Chris: Greg, you can't tell anyone about this. If a teacher finds out and calls my dad, I'm dead, so you can't say anything to anyone.
Greg: Your secret's safe with me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, it's not.
[montage:]
Girl: Oh, hey, Chris, I heard you got your father's deuce and a quarter. Cool.
Joey Caruso: Hey, Malcolm Racer X, I heard you got your father's hooptie. Cool.
Ms. Morello: Hey, Chris, I heard you've got a father. Cool.

Quote from Rochelle

Drew: Ma, I'm hungry.
Tonya: Me, too.
Rochelle: Oh, I knew y'all would say that. I got a snack. Here, we'll just open these chips and, and we gonna eat some chip...
Judge: Ma'am, you have been warned, already, for making too much noise.
Rochelle: I'm sorry, Judge. I got hungry kids over here. We're just having a little snack, that's all.
Judge: Well, why don't you try and have it quietly?
Rochelle: [whispering] I'll chew quiet.
Tonya: Ma, I'm thirsty.
Drew: Yeah, so am I.
Rochelle: Mm, Drew, go look for a vending machine and bring us back a soda.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Girl, they got you for speeding, too? You don't look like nothing on you goes fast.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother was creeping out of court, back on the street, I was rollin'. It's a shame the White kids have more rhythm than me. [car puttering] [car tires squealing]
Greg: What's wrong?
Chris: Everything.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Tonya! I thought I told you to stay put.
Tonya: I had to go.
Hooker: [chuckles] You have a lovely daughter.
Rochelle: Thank you.
Tonya: Momma, she's on trial, too.
Rochelle: I'll bet she is, baby, come on.
Hooker: Hey! I got a speeding ticket.
Rochelle: Well, I got a speeding ticket, too.
Hooker: For going seven miles over the speed limit. Can you believe that? That's not even speeding.
Rochelle: I said the same thing, girl.
Hooker: It's all right. I'll pay the fine. I'm just glad they didn't check my trunk. 'Cause if they found my guns and drugs, I would of been in trouble.
Rochelle: [shepherds Tonya away from her] Okay. Uh, well, you take care. Congratulations.
Tonya: Bye. Nice talking to you.
Rochelle: Okay.
Hooker: You too, baby.
Rochelle: Tell the streets we said hello.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Ha! Yes! In your face! [cheering] Five! Gimme five!
Judge: [rapidly banging gavel] Silence! Hey!
Rochelle: Woo! I'm sorry.
Judge: This is a courtroom!
Rochelle: I'm sorry.
Judge: Not an end zone.
Rochelle: I'm sorry, Your highness, Your Honor.
Judge: And for your little dance, I find you in contempt of court. That will be $80, please.
Rochelle: Damn it!

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After all that had happened, I kept thinking about how my dad had trusted me. Even though I had managed to get the car back home without him knowing, it seemed like the right thing to do was tell the truth.
[fantasy:]
Chris: Dad?
Julius: Yeah, son.
Chris: I have a confession. I drove your car to school today.
Julius: You what?
Chris: I'm sorry. I really am.
Julius: Son, I'm very disappointed in you. But as long as you're safe... that's all that really matters.
Chris: Thanks, Dad.
Julius: But one more thing...
Chris: Yes, Dad?
[Chris screams as he is thrown out the window]

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