Man: Well, here's your room, Mr. and Mrs. Malone.
Woody: Well, thank you. The wife and I really enjoy getting away from the kids for a relaxing evening. By the way, honey, shouldn't we call the babysitter and tell her there's some chicken in the fridge? The little woman is a great cook. Almost makes putting up with the mother-in-law worthwhile.
Man: You two aren't married, are you?
Woody: No.
Man: [flatly] Gee, you really had me going there for a while.

Woody: Carla's right. When it happens, it has to be special. It has to be the most meaningful thing in the whole world. You know, if if it were up to me, I... l think we should wait.
Kelly: You mean until we're married?
Woody: No, until I can afford a nice room at the Four Seasons, instead of some cheap motel. No offense, Carla. I know this place has sentimental meaning to you.

Henri: Uh, when I first came in, I was afraid that you were Woody, uh, but then when I saw the real thing, I was most relieved.
Sam: Why's that?
Henri: Heh. No competition. I could steal Kelly with both hands tied behind my back. Ooh!
Sam: Listen, Kelly's Woody's girlfriend. I'm sure you could have any woman you wanted.
Henri: I know, but, uh, Kelly is so innocent and naive. I love to change that.
Sam: Boy, I'm kind of torn here. I mean, Woody's my closest friend, but that is a real solid argument. You know, Woody may surprise you there, you know. He's, uh looks like a pushover, but he's got his way with women.
Woody: Oh, no, I've been shot through the head! I've been shot through the head!
Henri: I'll take my chances.

Henri: Come on, Woody. Woody, how about this one? Knock, knock.
Woody: Who's there?
Henri: Henri, the guy who's going to steal your girlfriend.
Kelly: Now, Henri, this is getting a little tiresome.
Henri: Oh?
Kelly: I'm kidding. It's really cute.

Frasier: Everyone! This is Dr. Eugene Eckworth, a renowned scientist and surgeon. A man who not only believes in cryogenics, but has just performed the procedure you all scorned so zestfully.
Dr. Eugene Eckworth: Yes, I'm in the process of transferring one of our thermostatic clients to a storage facility. My good friend, Frasier, asked me to stop by for a drink.
Sam: You- You telling me you brought a severed head into the bar? Oh, man, we gotta have a policy against that, don't we?
Cliff: Hey. Don't worry, it's, uh, it's frozen. It's not like it's gonna go bad or anything.
Frasier: Say, a game of pool, Gene? You can leave the head there.
Dr. Eugene Eckworth: Oh, that's just fine.

Woody: Boy, I've never felt this self-conscious about kissing you. My lips feel huge.
Kelly: Well, they've always been full.
Woody: Really? They feel like two big pieces of liver slapping together. Oh, no, I can hardly talk.

Woody: Oh, no. It's the manager. He figured out we're not married.
Kelly: But, Woody, you told him we're not married.
Woody: Then I guess it was easy for him to piece together.

Carla: Boy, I'm glad I could help you guys.
Woody: Yeah, I don't know how to thank you, Carla.
Carla: Yeah, that's okay.
[Carla waits for Woody and Kelly to walk away]
Carla: See, I told you I could get us a vacancy. Come on, Frenchie. Here's your big chance. Steal me away from Woody.