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‘Where There's a Will’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Where There's a Will

212. Where There's a Will

Aired December 22, 1983

A dying businessman who visits Cheers decides to leave $100,000 in his will to the gang.

Quote from Diane

Carla: Okay, who's the wise guy who shoved the l.O.U. in the tip glass?
Sam: Let me see this. It's not an l.O.U. This is a bunch of writing I don't understand, is what this.
Diane: Is it in a foreign tongue?
Sam: No, no, it's English.
Diane: In your case, that qualifies.

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Quote from Cliff

Sam: "To Whom It May Concern. Please be advised that herewith I amend my will to provide the following... As a token for their kindness, I leave the sum of $100,000 to the gang at Cheers, signed Malcolm Kramer."
Norm: Is this a joke?
Coach: Cliff, check that out. See if it's valid.
Cliff: Well, uh, I don't want to pronounce judgment too hastily, Coach, but I think there is a precedent in the case of Penoyer versus Neff, when it was found that jurisprudence is the better part of diction.
Sam: Tom, you're a lawyer, aren't you?

Quote from Cliff

Tom: OK, Sammy, this is it! This will satisfy the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and all we need is Kramer's signature and three witnesses and we got it.
Carla: Don't think you're gonna get a bigger cut.
Cliff: Listen. On behalf of the federal government, I think I'd better take a look at this. Oh, you misspelled Massachusetts, first of all.
Tom: What?
Cliff: Well, on the face of it, this is all prima facie non corpus interruptus anyhow. Quit wasting our time, Tom.
This guy, I don't know. Hey, what kind of lawyer are you anyway?
Tom: You wouldn't know if I told you.
Cliff: Well, try me, Raymond Burr-brain.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sammy, how do you do this trick? You know, that one.
Sam: It's all in your mind, Carla. You know, the trick is, think about the most pleasant thing in your life.
Carla: Being burned by this match would be the most pleasant thing in my life.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hi, can I join you? My name's Sam Malone. I'm the owner of the bar.
Malcolm: Malcolm Kramer. How do you do? Before I retired I owned a chemical plant outside of Chicago.
Sam: Now, this may be none of my business but have you got a second opinion? Doctors make mistakes.
Malcolm: Every doctor says the same thing and I've been to twelve leading specialists.
Sam: Maybe you'd get better news if you went to a quack.

Quote from Coach

Coach: This guy's terrific. I mean, he's a great storyteller and he really knows what he's doing. I mean, really,we should have an older guy behind the bar. The customers would love that.
Sam: What about you, Coach?
Coach: Oh, I'd like it, too.
Sam: I'll think about it.
Coach: Thanks, Sam.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Take a look at this. Tell me what it means.
Tom: Well, I assume his intent here was to have everybody at Cheers split up $100,000 when he dies.
Sam: I'll be darned. You know, I heard him say he was rich, but I thought it was a line.
Diane: Oh, Sam, who would use a line like that?
Sam: Not me.

Quote from Coach

Sam: What took you so long, Coach?
Coach: Oh, Sam, I had to dig the car out, put on the tire chain...
Sam: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why didn't you just take a cab?
Coach: Well, I figured it wasn't worth it. The hotel's only a block away.

Quote from Diane

Malcolm: Coach said there was some problem about my will?
Diane: Mr. Kramer, you made a wonderful gesture to these people and now they're asking you to repeat it.
Sam: You do that to me every night.
Diane: I'm waiting for you to get it right.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Mr. Kramer, it was a wonderful gesture but you, uh, you didn't tell us how you wanted us to split it up.
Carla: Yeah. You see, what we got here is a real problem. Who gets what? These bozos or my five precious children. Posing for this picture is the longest they've ever stood without crutches.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Hey, don't forget who you turned to in your hour of need when you wanted to know what time it was.
Malcolm: You didn't tell me.
Norm: Hey, what am l, Big Ben?

Quote from Diane

Diane: What you did out there was fine and noble and I'm very proud of you. And I can tell by that look you're proud of yourself, huh?
Sam: Yes, Diane, I am. I'm proud and rich. [laughs]
Diane: What's that?
Sam: This little baby is my ticket to happiness. This is the will. I palmed it, and I burned the phoney one.
Diane: What? How?
Sam: Are you kidding me? I do magic, remember? Watch this. [hums as he makes the paper disappear and then pulls it out from behind Diane's ear] Oh, lookee here!
Diane: That is the most avaricious, unregenerate, rapacious thing you have ever done!
Sam: Wait a second here. Now, a couple of those words didn't sound very nice.
Diane: How's this? You have sunk so low you would need a ladder to kiss a snake's hiney.
Sam: Well, that's clear, but why?

Quote from Sam

Sam: I thought it was pretty good. I saw those people going at each other's throats. It occurred to me that this was the best possible solution. Come on, look at it logically.
Diane: How are you going to explain your new-found riches to them?
Sam: Give me a little credit here. I'm not going to change my lifestyle all of a sudden. My purchases will be simple. A television, maybe. A pair of shoes. A couple pairs of pants. A trip to the Canaries in my brand new 60-foot yacht.

Quote from Sam

Diane: I won't let you do this to your friends!
Sam: What are you gonna do? Rat on me? [off Diane's look] Oh. Oh. Wait a second. Wait a second here. This is what we're talking about here, isn't it, huh?
Diane: You're crazy.
Sam: Oh, I may be crazy but I'm not stupid.
Diane: You're very stupid.
Sam: I'll tell you how stupid I am. I see through you like a book.
Diane: Ah, that stupid.

Quote from Sam

Sam: You want my money. What are you gonna do? You gonna blackmail me for it? [Diane slaps Sam] Oh, you just lost your boat ride, baby. [again] You can't slap me. I'm a rich guy. How much longer are you gonna keep doing this?
Diane: I don't know you. I've never seen you like this and I don't like it.
Sam: Come on, come on, don't let this come between us. I want you to help me spend the money. Come on, it's going to make us so happy.
Diane: It's already making me miserable.
Sam: Well, just wait till you see the fun we have on that boat! Damn, boy! If that guy would just kick off in four months, we could have that baby in the Atlantic by spring!
Diane: Did you hear what you just said?
Sam: Oh, my God. That was a horrible thing to say, wasn't it? Six months would be fine. We could catch the Gulf Stream.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Yeah, that was my postal supervisor. They need me down at the branch office to help handle the holiday deluge. Ah, terrific, and now this. My coat's underneath this mess. All right, everybody. Come on up here and get your jackets. This is official government business.
Sam: Carla.
Carla: Got it, Sam. Stand back. I'm going in. I'll find you-
[Carla disappears into the rack and emerges with a red, woman's coat]
Cliff: This is obviously not my-
Carla: Put it on or I tear off your clothes.
Cliff: Yes, ma'am. Yes, God bless you, Carla. [sniffs the coat] Well, at least dogs won't attack their own.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Allow me.
Woman: Thank you.
Sam: Watch this. [runs hand over the match and puts out the flame]
Woman: How do you not burn your hand?
Sam: I don't.
Coach: Hey, Sam show her some of the other tricks.
Woman: Oh, you know a lot of tricks, do you?
Sam: Yeah, I know my share.
Diane: Show her the one about the disappearing girlfriend.
Sam: You'll like this one. Watch this. [swallows a lit match] [applause]

Quote from Diane

Diane: Hello. Welcome to Cheers. What can I get you?
Malcolm: What's your bartender's specialty?
Diane: He's got a great batch of hot buttered rum going.
Malcolm: Sounds good. Make it a double. I've just had the worst day of my life.
Diane: Well, you know what I always say? Life is like a Chinese banquet. Between the Peking duck and the sweet and sour fish, you have to expect a little chicken feet soup. So laugh.
Malcolm: I've just been told I have six months to live.
Diane: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be facetious. I'm terribly sorry. I went on and on like a ninny...
Malcolm: Hey, miss, can I get you something?

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, you have to talk to that man over there alone at the table.
Sam: Why?
Diane: Well, he came in here because he just found out he's got six months to live.
Sam: Oh, come on. You sure that's not just an opening line?
Diane: Sam, what kind of a reptile would say that as a sexual overture?
Sam: Nobody. I mean, not me, that's for sure.
Diane: Well, he seems to want to talk about it.
Sam: I'll talk to him.
Diane: How do you cheer someone up who's got six months to live?
Sam: I'll tell him I have five.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Hey, everybody, now watch this. Watch this. [extinguishes match with his finger]
Tom: Hey, way to go, Coach. You did it. You must have a high threshold for pain.
Coach: I don't know the meaning of the word.
Tom: Ah, pretty tough guy, there?
Norm: No, he doesn't know what "threshold" means.
Coach: Thanks, Normie.

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