Carla: Okay, who's the wise guy who shoved the l.O.U. in the tip glass?
Sam: Let me see this. It's not an l.O.U. This is a bunch of writing I don't understand, is what this.
Diane: Is it in a foreign tongue?
Sam: No, no, it's English.
Diane: In your case, that qualifies.

Sam: "To Whom It May Concern. Please be advised that herewith I amend my will to provide the following... As a token for their kindness, I leave the sum of $100,000 to the gang at Cheers, signed Malcolm Kramer."
Norm: Is this a joke?
Coach: Cliff, check that out. See if it's valid.
Cliff: Well, uh, I don't want to pronounce judgment too hastily, Coach, but I think there is a precedent in the case of Penoyer versus Neff, when it was found that jurisprudence is the better part of diction.
Sam: Tom, you're a lawyer, aren't you?

Tom: OK, Sammy, this is it! This will satisfy the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and all we need is Kramer's signature and three witnesses and we got it.
Carla: Don't think you're gonna get a bigger cut.
Cliff: Listen. On behalf of the federal government, I think I'd better take a look at this. Oh, you misspelled Massachusetts, first of all.
Tom: What?
Cliff: Well, on the face of it, this is all prima facie non corpus interruptus anyhow. Quit wasting our time, Tom.
This guy, I don't know. Hey, what kind of lawyer are you anyway?
Tom: You wouldn't know if I told you.
Cliff: Well, try me, Raymond Burr-brain.

Carla: Sammy, how do you do this trick? You know, that one.
Sam: It's all in your mind, Carla. You know, the trick is, think about the most pleasant thing in your life.
Carla: Being burned by this match would be the most pleasant thing in my life.

Sam: Hi, can I join you? My name's Sam Malone. I'm the owner of the bar.
Malcolm: Malcolm Kramer. How do you do? Before I retired I owned a chemical plant outside of Chicago.
Sam: Now, this may be none of my business but have you got a second opinion? Doctors make mistakes.
Malcolm: Every doctor says the same thing and I've been to twelve leading specialists.
Sam: Maybe you'd get better news if you went to a quack.

Coach: This guy's terrific. I mean, he's a great storyteller and he really knows what he's doing. I mean, really,we should have an older guy behind the bar. The customers would love that.
Sam: What about you, Coach?
Coach: Oh, I'd like it, too.
Sam: I'll think about it.
Coach: Thanks, Sam.

Sam: Take a look at this. Tell me what it means.
Tom: Well, I assume his intent here was to have everybody at Cheers split up $100,000 when he dies.
Sam: I'll be darned. You know, I heard him say he was rich, but I thought it was a line.
Diane: Oh, Sam, who would use a line like that?
Sam: Not me.

Sam: What took you so long, Coach?
Coach: Oh, Sam, I had to dig the car out, put on the tire chain...
Sam: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why didn't you just take a cab?
Coach: Well, I figured it wasn't worth it. The hotel's only a block away.

Malcolm: Coach said there was some problem about my will?
Diane: Mr. Kramer, you made a wonderful gesture to these people and now they're asking you to repeat it.
Sam: You do that to me every night.
Diane: I'm waiting for you to get it right.

Sam: Mr. Kramer, it was a wonderful gesture but you, uh, you didn't tell us how you wanted us to split it up.
Carla: Yeah. You see, what we got here is a real problem. Who gets what? These bozos or my five precious children. Posing for this picture is the longest they've ever stood without crutches.