Sam: Oh, what's happening to me? I'm turning into a horrible person.
Diane: Yes, you are.
Sam: I'm gonna do what I should have done the minute I set eyes on this evil thing. I'm gonna destroy it before it destroys me. [lights paper] Oh. Oh.
Diane: That was the right thing to do, Sam. Now let's forget that any of this ever happened.
Sam: Yes, let's.
[Diane leaves and quickly returns]
Diane: Oh, I hate myself for what I just thought. No, no, I won't even say it. [leaves and returns again] I know you didn't but let me know better.
Sam: Oh, come on. Do you really think I would do something like that again after what I just went through?
Diane: I'm sorry. Of course not. Any person who would do something that vile would have guilt eating away at his guts for the rest of his life. Thank you. [exits]
[Sam pulls out the real will and lights it on fire]
Sam: I hate her. I really, really do. I hate her so much.

Sam: Allow me.
Woman: Thank you.
Sam: Watch this. [runs hand over the match and puts out the flame]
Woman: How do you not burn your hand?
Sam: I don't.
Coach: Hey, Sam show her some of the other tricks.
Woman: Oh, you know a lot of tricks, do you?
Sam: Yeah, I know my share.
Diane: Show her the one about the disappearing girlfriend.
Sam: You'll like this one. Watch this. [swallows a lit match] [applause]

Coach: Hey, everybody, now watch this. Watch this. [extinguishes match with his finger]
Tom: Hey, way to go, Coach. You did it. You must have a high threshold for pain.
Coach: I don't know the meaning of the word.
Tom: Ah, pretty tough guy, there?
Norm: No, he doesn't know what "threshold" means.
Coach: Thanks, Normie.

Sam: Now I'm gonna try to divide this up fair and square, but no appeals to friendship and sentiment and none of that kissy-kissy stuff.
Diane: How much evidence do you need? Does there have to be blood shed? Destroy the will.
Carla: Let's kill her! [Sam rings the bell to silence the baying mob]
Norm: What's it gonna be, Sam?
Cliff: Yeah, walk like a man.
Sam: Now, everybody in this room right now gets an equal share and that's it.
[Amid the cries of protest, Carla gasps as Sam takes a lighter to the will]
Sam: Now it's over. It's done. Let's just everybody get back to normal here.
Carla: We should have killed her when we had the chance.