Carla: A whole night without my kids. Thank you, Saint Jude, patron saint of lost causes. I have prayed for this day for 18 years. First you freed me from Diane. And now this! I am blessed! I am truly blessed.
Cliff: Carla, do you realize that you're the same height kneeling down as you are standing up?

Carla: Hey, Sammy, if you want my two cents, I think that you and Rebecca having a kid together is very immoral. Now, you and me havin' a kid outta wedlock that'd be a blast.

Sam: Okay, I hope you all enjoyed the dinner as much as the wall did. And I also want you to know that Rebecca really enjoyed the dead-rat-in-the-bun joke. That's very funny. [Rebecca sobs] Come on, honey, just pull yourself together. You're going to frighten the kids.
Rebecca: I don't think I can take any more.
Sam: Oh, come on, of course you can. You can't quit now. We've onl... Okay, who-who took my watch? [mutters]
Rebecca: You see that? This is not a home. This is a house of horrors.
Sam: No, you're just...
Rebecca: I mean, my God, they Crazy-glued the dryer door shut.
Sam: Yeah, I know, but we got you out, didn't we?
Rebecca: But I'm still dizzy.