Woody: Sam, you know, you wouldn't have these problems if you just made an honest woman out of Miss Howe.
Sam: Ooh, what're you talking about, Woody?
Woody: Well, back in Hanover we have this little tradition. It's called marriage. It's to avoid another little tradition called hellfire.

Rebecca: Look, those guys have some good points. I mean, how do we know we're gonna be good parents?
Sam: How does anybody know?
Lilith: Maybe a little practice would help ease your nerves. Would the two of you like to take care of Frederick for an evening? It may provide you with some confidence in your parenting skills as well as give us a break from that 16-year-old bundle of breasts Frasier insists is God's gift to babysitting.
Sam: Would that make you feel better?
Rebecca: Yeah, I think it's a good idea. I think it's good. When can we do that?
Lilith: Well, let me see. Uh, tonight, oh, well, Frederick has his story hour at the library tonight. Tomorrow is our Mommy and Me class. Friday is Aqua Tots. Let me look at next month.

Cliff: Hey, excuse me, Wood. Don't you think maybe your parents would like a shot with the two of you in it? Huh? Yeah. What do you say we sit down and chat about it? Get a few ideas cookin' here, you know. A little percolatin'. You know, maybe a maybe a nice two shot. You know, widen out to a master with a little background lighting for a nice halo effect.
Woody: Wow! Mr. Clavin, you're a real expert.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, I'm a bit of a film buff there, Woody. l, uh, I admire the works of all the greats. You know, Kurosawa, Fellini, Hitch. That's, uh, Hitchcock, Woody.

Cliff: I just had an idea. Whatta you say we, uh, have Woody start this thing off? I mean, he's an actor. He can just warm the whole thing up, huh? All right, Wood?
Woody: Yeah. Okay.
Cliff: Ready and action!
Woody: Hi, Mom and Dad.
Cliff: Oh, Woody, l, uh, thought you were an actor. Let's try this again, okay? And remember, you haven't seen your parents for years. You hunger for their love and affection. You want them to know just how badly you miss them. You left Indiana all those many years ago to come to the big city. You're practically a stranger, pal. Action.
Woody: I love you, Mom and Dad. I know I should've stayed on the farm. I don't know why I left. Uh, I guess I was just selfish. You know, everybody always leaves the farm. That's why America's in the condition it is. [sobs] I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me? Please don't die before I come home again.
Cliff: Oh, Woody, that was wonderful. What do you say we turn this thing on and shoot this baby?

Carla: You know, now that Sam's busy with this baby thing, you guys are either going to have to live vicariously through somebody else, or get your own lives.
Paul: [scoffs] She's right, you know.
Norm: Wood? Thank you. Listen, when you and, uh, Kelly go out on a date, what do you guys do, huh? [chuckles]
Woody: Well, last night we played three games of miniature golf and stopped for ice cream at the Freeze 'n' Frost.
Norm: Ooh! A little miniature golf there, huh?
Paul: A little ice cream action, huh?
Norm: Huh? Yeah, that Woody.
Paul: Yeah.
Norm: He's an ice-cream-eating, miniature-golfing guy.
Paul: Look at us trying to sponge off other people's lives. We're pathetic.
Norm: Hey, Phil, new pants there, huh?
Phil: Yep.
Norm: That Phil he's a pants-wearing, guy.

Lilith: So, Carla, how do you intend to spend your night of freedom?
Carla: Ah, nothing special. I'm going to check into the, uh, Ritz for a night of R & R.
Lilith: Oh.
Frasier: Sounds nice.
Carla: Yeah, I think so. I know Roy and Ralph are looking forward to it.

Frasier: Oh remember the Ritz-Carlton, darling? A night of unbridled passion that remains unmatched to this day.
Lilith: We've never been to the Ritz-Carlton, Frasier.
Frasier: Did I say the Ritz-Carlton? I meant the Four Seasons.
Lilith: Strike two.
Frasier: So, did you get a load of Phil's new pants? You know, an older fellow like that, you know, you wouldn't think he'd be able to get away with, you know, still looking good in a pair of slacks. But, uh, darn if he doesn't pull it off. Lilith, please blink.

Cliff: Okay, kids, now let's just get a shot of you in front of the whole bar, all right? Yeah, okay.
Norm: Cliffy, you want... I should take off?
Cliff: No, no, no, you stay right where you are, Norm. Uh, you're what we call atmosphere.
Norm: Wait a minute. What's that?
Cliff: Atmosphere, that's, uh, you know, people in the background. You're sitting around, drinking your beer. You know, it looks like you belong there.
Norm: All right! Hey, everybody, I'm atmosphere!
Paul: Hey, Cliff, could I be atmosphere, too?
Cliff: Pauly, Pauly, Pauly, uh... Personally I love you, Paul, but, uh, the camera doesn't. Scoot!

Frasier: Cliff, please!
Cliff: What?!
Frasier: Now you'll never get what you want by badgering these kids. You've got to make them feel safe. After all, it's just a videotape. Now listen, why don't you pull up a chair here, try to calm yourself down. Have a beer...
Cliff: I'm all right.
Frasier: We'll see if we can, uh, get this thing done, huh? Okay?
Cliff: All right, all right. I'm all right.
Frasier: Kelly, Woody. Now, Kelly, just do whatever comes naturally to you. Relax, be yourself. No pressure. And simply say "hello" to Woody's parents.
Kelly: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Boyd. I'm Kelly Gaines.
Frasier: Kelly, you you just don't have a clue, do you? That's a wrap.

Rebecca: Oh, well, listen, don't worry about it. All we have to do is find somebody else and take care of their kids.
Sam: Nobody else in this bar has any kids.
Rebecca: Carla does.
Sam: No! Forget it! No!
Rebecca: Sam, wait a minute.
Sam: No!
Rebecca: No, look, I am not gonna have a baby until I know I'll be a good parent.
Sam: Taking care of Carla's kids is not gonna prove that you're a good parent. It just proves that you can survive in the wild.