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‘Bar Wars V: The Final Judgment’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Bar Wars V: The Final Judgment

1007. Bar Wars V: The Final Judgment

Aired October 31, 1991

On Halloween, the Cheers crew are prepared for another prank war with Gary's Olde Towne Tavern.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Freddy is, of course, bedecked in the garb of superhero crime fighter Spider-Man.
Lilith: Interestingly, Spider-Man acquired his supernatural powers from the bite of a radioactive spider. I tried to explain to Frederick what would happen if one were really bitten by a radioactive spider, but he just cried.

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Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Sam, stop it. The game is over. A man is dead. You know, it's getting a little bit embarrassing.
Frasier: It's time for you to face the fact that Gary is dead. That you had a hand in his death. We all did. That's the end of it.
Sam: Yeah, maybe you're right. All right, I admit it. Waah-waah, he's dead. [laughs] Come on, you guys. Lookit, he's bluffing. I wonder how far he's really going to take this thing.
[later, at the wake in Gary's Olde Towne Tavern:]
Sam: I'll be he's not even in there. [opens coffin] Okay, so he's in there. I still think it's a trick. If he wants to stay in there and suffocate, it's fine with me; it's his funeral.

Quote from Sam

Sam: He's gone. He's really gone.
Frasier: Gary had to go out of his way to prove it to you, but, yes, Sam, he's gone.
Sam: I feel like I've lost my best friend.
Carla: Having Gary around was, like, the one thing that always seemed to pull us together as a group.
Cliff: Yeah. Gary really brought out the best in us, huh?
Norm: No, Cliffie, he brought out the worst in us.
Paul: He will be missed.
Sam: Boy, I'll tell you, I've done a lot of things that I regret, but I'll never be able to make up for this one. You know, maybe it's time I stopped acting like an overgrown child. I mean, a man is dead because I did not have the maturity to know when to stop. Never thought I'd say this, but I miss Gary. He's a he's a true friend.
Frasier: That would have made a better eulogy than "Get out of there, Gary."

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, Sam, I'm back.
Carla: Oh, look, a bumpkin with a pumpkin.
Woody: Yeah, it's from my building's roof garden. I entered this contest the local merchants are throwing for the best jack-o'-lantern. First prize is a cruise around Boston Harbor. They say it's three hours you'll never forget.
Carla: Especially if it's low tide.
Lilith: Woody, it's hard to believe you grew such a hardy specimen in the city.
Woody: Well, yeah, the trick is to give it lots of care. I took a seed from last year's pumpkin, planted it, and watched over it like a daddy. I'd even lie in bed at night thinking, "I wonder how the pumpkin's doing." Pruned it, weeded it, checked the soil. I even talked to it. I think they like that. [stabs knife into the pumpkin] Aah! Farm boys love their Halloween!

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: I sympathize with Rebecca's parents. l, for one, will not allow my child to go trick-or-treating through the dangerous city streets.
Frasier: What luck! I got the last Spider-Man costume for Frederick! And look what he can use for webs. [sprays silly string at Lilith]
Lilith: Frasier, we need to have a discussion.
Frasier: Oh no, don't tell me you have a thing against Halloween, too.
Lilith: I don't have a thing against Halloween. I just don't want my child panhandling door-to-door accepting non-nutritious snacks from strangers, dressed in a silly costume.
Frasier: But, darling, that is Halloween.
Lilith: Oh. Well, then I guess I do have a thing against it.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: I'd like to tell you something, young man. I don't know if you realize how lucky you are that your parents let you partake in the better things of childhood. You know, I never got to trick or treat. I always had to hand out the candy. Nobody ever gave me any candy.
[Frederick reaches into the bag and hands Rebecca a piece of candy]
Frasier: Look at that... Good boy, Freddy.
Rebecca: Thank you. That's the first time anybody ever gave me anything. Thank you, Frederick. [mutters to Norm] The kid's got a bagful of Snickers, and he gives me a Tootsie Pop.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, I know what he's going to do. All right, we're walking along here, all of a sudden, the coffin opens up, he reaches out and grabs my hand. Yeah, right. Ooh-ooh, I'm scared, yeah. Come on, Gare, I got you. Come on, open up. [knocks on coffin] Hello? Come on out, Gary.

Quote from Sam

Sam: [owl hooting in distance] Come on, Gary. Enough's enough. It's getting chilly out here.
Cliff: Sammy?
Sam: Hmm?
Cliff: Come on, the funeral's been over for hours.
Sam: No, no, you don't understand. See, that's the whole thing about practical jokes, it's timing. I know this; I've done this a thousand times before. Matter of fact, if I don't miss my guess, he'll be coming out right about... now. Right about now. Come on, you're milking it, Gary! Get out of there!
Frasier: I don't think he's coming out, Sam.
Sam: Yeah? Well, then I'm I'm digging him out. Come on, Gary. Come on. No, you don't understand. This is a stunt. No, come on, you can hear him laughing. He's laughing, I hear you! You're laughing, I know that!

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, Miss Howe, I was over at the magic shop today, and look what I got for Halloween. Aah! It's the old bloody thumb!
Rebecca: Yuck!
Woody: You just hide it somewhere, and then get ready for the fun. This was a Halloween night tradition around our house.
Rebecca: Woody, please don't tell me how that got started.
Woody: I thought we could use it tonight to scare the guys from Gary's Old Towne Tavern.
Rebecca: Woody, it's not scary, just gross.
Woody: That's 'cause you haven't seen it in action. I'll try it out on Mr. Peterson.
Norm: Wood, can I have a refill?
Woody: Sure thing, Mr. P. Way ahead of you.
Norm: All right. Yuck. What the hell is that?
Rebecca: The old bloody thumb.
Woody: Didn't it scare you?
Norm: No, actually, Wood, it's really more gross than anything else.
Rebecca: Told you. Here's another beer, Norm.
Norm: Thank you, Rebecca. And thank you, Woody. [takes both beers]

Quote from Cliff

Rebecca: Well, I think you guys should just call it off; I mean, I think it's really childish.
Sam: Excuse me? Childish? Sweetheart, this is bar versus bar. We will use any weapon available to us. Water balloons, stink bombs, whoopee cushions and fake vomit. Yes, fake vomit. Now, how childish is it?
Norm: Remember last year, we sent Cliffy over there wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos? [all laughing, snickering]
Paul: Those people were screaming like banshees.
Norm: Yeah.
Cliff: Well, I was making a scary face.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: I always hated this night.
Norm: Why?
Rebecca: Well, when I was a kid, my folks used to move around so much that they never really got to know the neighbors, so they didn't trust them. So when all the other little kids had their costumes on, and they were trick-or-treating, all I was allowed to do was stand at our front door and pass out candies. I could hardly wait till I was an adult, so I could enjoy Halloween, you know, and not spend all my time serving everybody else.
Norm: Ah. That's too bad. Could you pass those pretzels, please?
Rebecca: [moaning] Darn!

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, that's it, man. I'm calling Gary, and I'm telling him that payback is on its way.
[When Sam picks up the phone, music plays again. It stops as he hangs up. He picks up the receiver again and the music resumes.]
Sam: He's good. You know, this is just the beginning, too. He's gonna be doing this all day long. We're gonna have to think of something to really get back at him.
Frasier: Yeah.
Carla: Yeah.
Sam: You know, something that'll make him wish he was never born.
Norm: Absolutely.
Sam: Something so horrible that he'll never set foot in this bar again.
Norm: All right! All right, all right! What are we gonna do?
Sam: Soap his windows!
Norm: You going for, like, a mild irritation sort of thing?
Sam: Oh, all right, all right, all right. You know, that was just my first idea.

Quote from Sam

Sam: We have a lot of Chinese food delivered to Gary's.
Norm: Yeah?
Sam: And not Moo Shu, just the stuff no one likes. [laughs]
Carla: Yeah?
Sam: Well, and then, you know, have to pay for it and stuff.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Sam, he just told you he's sick.
Sam: [laughs] She fell for that! [mocking tone] High blood pressure. My wife's in the car waiting for me. [normal voice] Honey, don't you see what he's trying to do? He's getting me to lower my guard. Oh, this is good, this is good. All we got to figure out now is, is something that'll really spook him tonight.
Cliff: Yeah. Yeah.
Norm: Yeah.
Woody: Well, Sam, how about using the old bloody thumb? That's pretty scary.
Sam: Come on, man, forget the old bloody thumb. No chump would fall for that. [Sam screams as he opens the cash register and sees the thumb] Oh, gee!
Woody: Helps to have the right chump.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Maybe you gentlemen should be thinking along the lines of high-tech.
Carla: What do you mean?
Frasier: Well, a hologram. You project a three-dimensional translucent image of some ghoulish apparition right into Gary's, thereby scaring the bejeezus out of 'em.
Norm: Where'd you get that idea?
Frasier: Well, actually, Lilith and her physics friends pulled it on me last year. Geez, I must have pulled out five fistfuls of hair.
Lilith: Hee, hee, hee.

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