Woody: 800.
Cliff: Literature.
Woody: 808.83.
Cliff: Short monologues.
Woody: Boy, Mr. Clavin, you sure know your Dewey Decimal System.

Sam: Threw his back out over at, uh, Frasier's house. Can't move. Lilith's taking care of him.
Paul: Ooh, poor Norm.
Cliff: Yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, I hope... Hope it's not serious. I mean, if anything, uh, happened to the big guy, I don't know what I'd do.
Paul: Yeah, it's too bad it takes something bad to happen for us to really appreciate him.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, it really makes you stop and think, huh? Flip you for his stool.
Paul: Heads.

Cliff: Yoo-hoo! Anybody home? Hey, Lilith, how're ya doin'? Normie!
Norm: Cliffy!
Cliff: Hey, how's it goin'? Well, I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd stop in.
Norm: Yeah? You finished your route?
Cliff: Well, no, they can wait. Heck, there's, uh, nothin' happenin' today. Well, l, uh, the biggest thing today is, uh, some old lady wrote some guy sayin' that she was his natural mother. It's a soap opera out there, Norm.

Rebecca: Carla, I did it. It's almost closing time, and here's my little egg. Safe and sound. Pay up.
Carla: Darn the luck! [sighs] Say, uh, you don't have change for a 20, do you?
Rebecca: Where did you get all that money?
Carla: Well, I bet some of the guys that I could make you carry an egg around the bar for three days running. I won 150 bucks. Here's your five. Go crazy.
Rebecca: The important thing to remember here is that I proved my point.
Carla: What did you prove? That you could take care of an egg? [chuckles] You know, babies are a lot bigger and heavier. Now, if you could, say, uh, carry a watermelon say, between your legs, from one end of the bar to the other, and cluck like a chicken, now, that would prove that you're ready for motherhood.
Rebecca: Good night, Carla. [exits]
Woody: Here's your 20, Carla. I thought she'd do it.

Rebecca: So you are saying that you don't think that I can take care of a baby?
Carla: You kidding? I don't think you could take care of an egg.
Rebecca: Oh, come on.
Carla: No, really, really. I'll bet you five bucks you can't take care of this egg until Friday night at closing time.
Rebecca: Five bucks?
Carla: Yeah.
Rebecca: You're on. Thanks. [egg splatters] Okay, I was practicing. Now, start!

Frasier: Look, Lilith, the least I owe Norm is is the comfort of our home. I mean, at least until Vera comes back.
Lilith: I see what this is. You want your little friend to stay over.
Frasier: Well, he doesn't move much.
Lilith: All right, if you clean up after him, you can keep him, but the first time I have to do it, out he goes.
Frasier: Do you hear that, Norm? You can stay! Say, listen, tell her you want to watch some television.

Norm: Now, now, Cliffy. Back off now, Cliff. Lilith and I have been talking. Turns out she's just regular folks.
Cliff: Sure. Sure she is. Yeah, so, uh, what's a guy gotta do to get a drink around here? [doorbell rings]
Lilith: Cliff, this is not a tavern. This is my home. Do you see a bartender? Do you see any beer?
Sam: [enters with a keg] Ho, there he is!
Norm: Sammy! All right!
Sam: Normie can't come to the beer, then the beer comes to Normie!
Norm: All right!
Sam: Hey, Lilith, want to get us some glasses there?

Cliff: You know, Norm, it's a little bit strange watchin' TV at eye level.
Norm: You get used to it, though.
Lilith: No, actually, you probably won't get used to it, Cliff. Remember, you're just stopping by.
Cliff: Oh, I don't know there, Lilith. I mean, uh, Sam's pourin', you got ESPN. It's just like Cheers.
Lilith: Yes, but it's not Cheers. This is a private home, and comfortable though it may be, I'm sure you have other things to do.
Sam: You know, Cliff, Lilith's right. You've got your route to finish. We'll be here when you get back.
Lilith: Uh, gentlemen, I'm afraid the party is over. As enjoyable as this has been, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
[When Lilith opens the door, Paul and Phil are there]
Paul: Well, this must be the place.
Phil: He drives like a maniac.
Paul: How would you know? You were playing with my radio the whole way.
Phil: How can you listen to that crap?

Sam: Hey, guys, huh? What'll you have here? How about a beer?
Lilith: Oh, listen, everyone, Norm needs peace and quiet. For that matter, so do Frasier and l. So if you don't mind...
Frasier: Wing dings! Get 'em while they're hot! Paul! Phil! Good to see you. Say, listen, those directions weren't too complicated, were they?
Paul: Oh, no.
Frasier: Look, honey, it's Phil and Paul!

Lilith: Stop it right now! [music stops] I want you people out of my house!
Sam: Gee, Lilith, what's wrong?
Lilith: You've taken advantage of our hospitality. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Sam: Lilith, don't you think you're overreacting a little bit? [answers phone] Cheers.
Lilith: This is not Cheers.
Sam: Call back, huh? [hangs up]