‘The Crane Mutiny’
Season 6, Episode 5 - Aired October 29, 1987
Norm and Cliff trick Frasier into thinking that Rebecca is infatuated with him.
Quote from Woody
Cliff: So, uh, Woody, how's the ol' apartment working out?
Woody: Oh, great, Mr. Clavin. You know my landlady, Mrs. Chung?
Woody: She's teaching me a new word in Chinese every day. The trick is to work it into the conversation smoothly. Say, Carla, seen any interesting [speaks Chinese] lately?
Carla: What are you babbling about, Festus?
Woody: [speaks Chinese] is the Chinese word for "doorknob."
Carla: Well, here's a couple of [speaks Chinese] right here. [points to Norm and Cliff]
Quote from Sam
Sam: Hey, Bobby. Any new twists in the pretzel business?
Bobby: Hey, I haven't heard that one before, right, Sammy? [laughing] So you want the usual four cases?
Rebecca: Excuse me. I'm the new manager here.
Bobby: Congratulations. So, uh, that's four, right, Sam?
Rebecca: I handle all the ordering around here now.
Sam: Really, Sam?
Bobby: So how many cases do you want?
Rebecca: [whispers] How many did he say?
Rebecca: I want five.
Sam: She's the boss. I'll call you later.
Quote from Norm
Frasier: Maybe subconsciously, I've- I've settled for Lilith because she's the only woman that ever liked me for well, not my brain.
Norm: Oh, Frasier, please. I know of plenty of women, they- they find you attractive.
Frasier: Oh, look, I know you're just being nice...
Frasier: ...but you see, I'm not really trying to shop around. I mean, Lilith Sternin is a a good woman. Strong, durable, reliable.
Norm: She'd make a hell of a radial tire, actually.
Quote from Cliff
Frasier: Oh, I'm just too young for a commitment. You see, I haven't been with all that many women. Especially ones with a caboose like that.
Cliff: Well, Fras, uh, talk about a small world. You know it's common knowledge around here that Miss Howe finds you tres attractive.
Frasier: Oh, now stop it. She does not.
Alan: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Cliff: Gentlemen, gentlemen, am I blowing smoke here, or am I giving the man the straight skinny?
Alan: It's true.
Tim: He's right, Frasier. Rebecca likes the cut of your jib.
Frasier: Well, the Cranes always have been known for their jibs. [laughter] No, seriously. It's outlandish. I mean, the woman hasn't even given me an indication.
Cliff: Uh, I don't know, Fras. You know, I think you'll find, uh, where there's smoke, there's, uh, fire.
Rebecca: Could I have a club soda, please, Woody?
Woody: Oh, sure thing, Miss Howe.
[As Cliff stands behind Frasier, he waves at Rebecca. She waves back, catching Frasier's attention. Cliff then points to his mouth, suggesting Rebecca has something on her lips. Frasier is astounded as Rebecca licks her lips while staring in his direction. Cliff gives Rebecca the OK signal and waves her off.]
Rebecca: Thank you.
Quote from Sam
Rebecca: I don't want to hear another word about this, Mr. Malone. I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority.
Sam: Whoa, wait a minute. I resent that. I've never had trouble with a woman in any position.
[Carla grabs a marker pen and starts drawing a thick, black mustache on Rebecca's portrait]
Rebecca: That's exactly what I'm talking about. You give me no respect. Now, maybe you took this job lightly when you were in charge, but I take it very seriously. And as for you, Mrs. LeBec...
[After Carla puts the pen down on the bar, Sam picks it up and starts drawing glasses and horns on Rebecca's portrait]
Rebecca: I would think that as another working woman that perhaps you would lend me some support Instead of always sniping behind my back.
What do you see we just wipe the slate clean here and start a new era of mutual support?
Carla: Wonderful idea.
Sam: Absolutely. You know, I don't think we're ever going to able to look at you the same way again.
Quote from Frasier
Cliff: Hey, Fras, what's up?
Frasier: Well, my spirits for one thing. I've just told Lilith that I want my freedom, so that I can pursue the fair Rebecca.
Norm: Wait a minute, now, wait. You dumped Lilith, 'cause of what Cliff said?
Cliff: What I said? You're the one who brought it up.
Frasier: Gentlemen, gentlemen. There's plenty of credit for both of you. You two opened my eyes, made me realize that there are other fish in the sea.
Norm: So what did Lilith have to say when you flushed her?
Frasier: Well, I don't actually know yet. Uh, I was going to tell her face-to-face, but then I thought that an eloquently written letter would be a bittersweet reminder of what we had together.
Norm: You chickened out?
Frasier: Precisely. Well... [claps hands] to the hunt.
Quote from Lilith
Frasier: Lilith. Thank God you're here. You haven't confronted Rebecca yet, have you?
Frasier: Oh, good.
Lilith: How did you know where I was?
Frasier: Well, when I realized you hadn't come upstairs, I- I toweled off, and then suddenly, it dawned on me. That little firebrand's gone down to Cheers to fight for her man. See, I think it best that I do this myself, and, uh I think next week's a really good time.
Lilith: You did have an affair with this woman, didn't you? That is what you told me.
Frasier: Well, of course.
Lilith: Well, then end it right here and now. I need to know that it's over. You've got to cut this off before she falls more deeply in love with you. And you've got to let me watch.
Frasier: You know, l- I've got an idea. Let's go to Maine. Lilith, Lilith, Lilith, the left-hand side of my body's gone completely numb. You know what that means, don't you?
Lilith: Yes, you're stalling.
Quote from Frasier
Rebecca: It's down the hall to the left.
Frasier: Thank you.
Lilith: Ms. Howe, let me introduce myself. I'm Lilith Sternin. You don't know me, but of course this man needs no introduction. He only needs a conscience. Frasier has something he wants to say to you. Listen very carefully and do what you must do.
Frasier: I'm... I'm sorry, Rebecca, but it's- it's- it's time it was over. I hope you can forgive me. Now let's go to Maine.
Lilith: Frasier, don't be so heartless. She deserves better than that.
Frasier: Uh, uh, no, no, please, please, don't try to articulate your feelings. Uh... Just let me say my little piece, and then I'll be out of your life forever. Now, just remember the part about not saying anything. I know it sounds like a cliche to to say that this is going to hurt me more than it does you, but it doesn't make it any less true. For you see, it is I who will be condemned never again to see your haunting eyes, your silken skin, your shimmering hair. But it- It's time that we part. Farewell, sweet Rebecca.
Rebecca: How will I live without your passionate kisses?
Frasier: You won't have to. [hugs Rebecca]
Lilith: Oh, Frasier Frasier, for God's sakes, she was only joking.
Frasier: Well, so was l. Come on. I was just playing along. I'm a dead man. Sweetheart? Buttercup? [to Rebecca] You were just kidding, weren't you? [Rebecca nods] My joy!
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: Lilith. Please, uh, all I can say is please have mercy on me. I... Look, it's the God's honest truth. Rebecca and I did not have an affair. I wanted to, but she wasn't sure. A small point, but she wasn't even sure who I am, so I didn't really want to. Uh, my body wanted to, but my brain didn't. Well, part of my brain did, but... Well, that part's dead, and I guess what I'm trying to say is... [gets down one knee] Will you marry me, make me the happiest man alive?
Lilith: This is obviously a ploy to get yourself out of the ridiculous situation you're in, and the answer is... yes, my steed, yes.
Frasier: Are you you're serious? [Lilith nods] Yippee. Hey, everybody, we're going to be married. [cheering] Someday. No, soon.
Cliff: Eh, we finally got those lovebirds together, huh?
Norm: Yeah, just needed that little push, I guess. [both singing] Matchmaker, matchmaker Make me a match
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: I mean, there must be some mistake.
Cliff: What? A mistake?!
Frasier: She was coming on to me?
Norm: No, no, she was trying to wipe something off her lip. [chuckles]
Alan: Oh, yeah. Doc, Doc, she talks about you all the time.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. Look, look, if you don't believe us, uh, just go over there and ask her out. You'll have your answer.
Frasier: All right, I'll do it. I mean, it's not like I haven't had any encouragement. I can come hither as well as the next guy.
[Frasier walks over to Rebecca's office and knocks on the door]
Frasier: Is this the men's room?
Rebecca: It's around the corner.
Frasier: Oh, uh, terribly sorry. [she closes the door] Well, I've laid the groundwork. I can just follow up that up tomorrow. Oh, right now, I'm running late for dinner so I better get back. You know, Lilith goes into a blinding rage if I'm not home the minute the meat hits the platter. [soft chuckling] Guys thanks for being here for me. My compadres, huh?