Frasier: Please, Lilith don't you think you could forgive me?
Lilith: I don't know. At this moment, my feelings for you are ambivalent. I need to sort them out. I'm going to go out and wander the streets aimlessly. I'll take my usual route.
Frasier: You know, I have an idea, Popsicle. Uh, why don't I run upstairs and make us a nice warm, soothing bath, hmm?
Lilith: Well, Mr. Bubble does always cheer me so.
Frasier: Once begun, it's half done.

Sam: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, that was easy. Wait, uh... Let's try some more compromises here. Um, I want to sleep with you 25 times, but you don't want to sleep with me at all, am I right?
Rebecca: Right.
Sam: Okay, so what's half of 25?
Rebecca: Your l.Q.?
Sam: Wait, uh... please. Um, I'm a little sensitive about people making fun of my intelligence.
Rebecca: I'm sorry.
Sam: That's all right.
Rebecca: But I wasn't making fun of your intelligence.
Sam: Good.
Rebecca: I was making fun of your lack of intelligence.

Woody: Sam, I found an apartment.
Sam: Hey, good for you, Woody.
Woody: It's got everything I ever wanted.
Sam: What's that?
Woody: A living room and a bedroom.
Cliff: Dare to dream there, Woodman.
Sam: Isn't this in Chinatown?
Woody: I don't think so, Sam.
Sam: Well, yeah, I think it is. Did there seem to be a lot of Chinese restaurants around?
Woody: Yeah, I guess.
Cliff: And, uh, a lot of, uh, signs hanging hither and yon in Chinese there?
Woody: Yeah, come to think of it.
Norm: Yeah, lots of Chinese people walking around on the street, I suppose.
Woody: Yeah, but that could just be a coincidence, you know? I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll call my landlady. If anyone would know, Mrs. Chung would.

Frasier: Hello, Rebecca. Why do I suddenly feel nervous as a schoolboy? Uh... Well, let me- let me come directly to the point by telling you that you couldn't have chosen a more opportune moment to declare your feelings. Let me assure you, the feeling is mutual. I've just recently rid myself of an entanglement. I find myself free to ask you if you'd like to join me for dinner.
Rebecca: Who are you?
Frasier: My God. What have I done?
Woody: You leaving so soon, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Yes, Woody, I've got to convince the woman I love that I'm not a complete ass.
Woody: Good luck!

Lilith: Yes, I read the letter, you licentious quack! And what facile tripe it is! "We both need time to grow, to develop as people." Who is the slut?
Frasier: She's no slut! What slut? Well, I mean, look, it was all a mistake. It's just a big mistake.
Lilith: Oh, you bet it is, mister. You want your freedom?! Ha, I'll give you freedom. From your teeth! [picks up a dish]
Frasier: No, Lilith! Not the Royal Doulton.
Lilith: You're right. I realize when I contemplate the destruction of property that I'm overstepping the bounds of decorum. If there's any hope of our salvaging any of our relationship, we must remain calm and discuss this in a rational, truthful manner.
Frasier: All right. I'll be honest with you. There was a woman. But I am a man of honor. I did not betray you. Nothing happened.
Lilith: You broke off our relationship for the possibility of a relationship? A mere fantasy? How flattering.

Frasier: All right, I'll be honest with you. You see, I only wanted to spare you. This woman is a a sex-starved Circe who drew my ship onto the rocks and there I foundered.
Lilith: What's her name?
Frasier: Well, let's just, you know, leave her name out of this.
Lilith: Frasier, are we going to clear the air or continue to hold back? Unless you identify this woman, doubt and suspicion will fester in my consciousness. Every woman I meet will provoke the question, "ls this the one, is this the one, is this the one, is this the one, is this the one?"
Frasier: It's Rebecca Howe. She runs Cheers now.
Lilith: So, now we know the slut's name.

Norm: Cliffie, girl fight, 12:00 high.
Lilith: Rebecca Howe?
Rebecca: Mm-hmm.
Lilith: You and I are both mature women, and I think we should handle this openly and with civility. Believe me, I could be doing you a very big favor. Frasier is not an easy man to live with. He's obsessively compulsive about neatness. The sex is good, but he pouts unless you compliment his performance. Fortunately, his male ego can be satisfied with a simple "Thank you, Conan."
Rebecca: I don't know who you are, and I don't know who Frasier is, but I do... Conan?

Lilith: You really don't know Frasier, do you?
Rebecca: No, I don't.
Lilith: God, I'm such a fool. How could I let him do this to me?
Rebecca: It's all right. It happens to everybody.
Lilith: He made up this whole story just to avoid committing to me. And the worst part is he's going to get away with it. They always do.
Rebecca: Yeah, men are such a pain. I have someone who's very special to me, but he wouldn't notice me if I set fire to my hair.
Lilith: [looking at Sam] Him?
Rebecca: [scoffing] No, definitely not him. I prefer the Fortune 500 type. One who owns blocks, not one who plays with them.
Sam: Look, they're flirting with me.

Frasier: Give me a scotch, Woody.
Woody: Sure thing, Dr. Crane. Hey, by the way, when you go to the restroom, I want you to notice that the [speaks Chinese] have been shined.
Frasier: I'm hardly concerned about doorknobs at the moment.
Woody: You understood me?
Frasier: Yes. It was only a matter of time.

Frasier: Oh, thank God.
Lilith: [o.s.] What was that, Tootsie Roll?
Frasier: I said, uh, thank God I'm home.
Lilith: I couldn't agree more. [they kiss] How was your day at the office?
Frasier: It was fine. How was yours?
Lilith: Delightful.
Frasier: Here, I'll just make us a couple of drinks, and then we can start relaxing.
Lilith: Where is the envelope you left for me on the table?
Frasier: Envelope? What envelope?
Lilith: Frasier. It's wicked of you to tease me. I saw it, but wanted to save it to open while you were here. It's probably either tickets to the ballet or the symphony. Or perhaps one of those cards with a handsome couple walking hand in hand on the beach at sunset that I cherish so.
Frasier: You know, that is exactly what it was. [chuckling] Good Lord, I guess I'm becoming quite predictable. You know, I'll just have to think of another way to enchant you. I've got it. [rips up the letter] Look, it's a flock of seagulls. Let's have our drink. Here's to the most beautiful woman in the world. [Lilith throws her drink in Frasier's face] Let me guess. You read the letter.